Death Before Dishonor.

Sometimes I find myself feeling guilty as I am enjoying my life. Being in the military brings death a lot closer to home then if I would have just stayed in Kalamazoo. Drug overdose, drinking and driving and other self imposed choices that a person kills them self over is one thing. Yes, it's sad and tragic. But being apart of the United States Marine Corps and seeing the families hurt from the loss of their loved one... that's a different kind of pain. My husband has lost too many of his Marines. Phone calls from Marines out of the blue are almost never good. It kills me to watch people hurt over that. Recently, VMA-211 was attacked in Afghan. It took a few days for me to realize that one of the two Marines that were killed was someone I deployed with. Sgt Atwell and I weren't good friends. I couldn't tell you his 1st name, and I never spoke with him after we got off the MEU. We went out with groups of people, been drunk together and lived a few rooms away from each other. It's a small world, and it's a smaller Marine Corps with only about 160,000 of us. I am amazed of the odds when it comes to being effected by a fallen Marine. It's very sad that Atwell has given the ultimate sacrifice. It pains me that he was once here, and now he's not. For the 6 mths I knew him, never did I think that his life would be over in a matter of 4 years. Standing next to him in formation, I didn't look over and see a man who was going to be killed in combat in Afghan in 4 years, leaving his new bride to mourn his death. Like I said, Atwell and I weren't super close- just two Marines in the same unit for 6 mths. So it's not me that lost someone that pains me... it's the fact that his wife is with out him. His friends have lost him. His parents have to bury their son. With tears in my eyes, my chest is heavy. Shallow breaths take over in the middle of my haircuts as I think of the pain his family is going thru. The guilt I feel is from these thoughts. Like, how dare I enjoy my day.. when that woman sleeps alone at night. When she looks at the last email he sent her- excited to be coming home from war in a month. The last skype conversation they had... little did they know that everything was going to change.

My whole life I've had a very hard time excepting time. I remember at a very very young age crying and panicking that time next stops, and that moments in life are so brief... and then they are over... Older and older.. always changing, never being able to hang on to a moment because then its done. I am a very emotional person. I catch myself driving down the road and if for a moment my thoughts get away from me and I think about how unpredictable life is... I break down and cry... Someday the people we love the most may not be there. Everything in life comes to an end and there is nothing I can do about it. I have no idea how I am going to handle death when it approaches. The Marines that Danny has served with that has given the ultimate sacrifice are Marines I have never met before, and it hurts so much to hear the news... and think about how they were here once, and then they aren't. How devastated their family must feel. How much pain it causes and adjustments to not have them anymore. Seeing the memorials of fallen Marines on facebook makes me cry every time. I know it's something that we are all aware of when we enlist. It is a thought that crosses all of our minds when we head out for deployments. We know there is always a possibility. Let's face it, we are putting ourselves out there... it's a lot safer at home... But it's what the military does. And it's something that we have to "just accept"... I really want to go to Afghan.. I really want to give my time and support my Marines out there-- and be apart of it. But there is always that thought that we as Marines have to swallow. The "what ifs"...

I can't imagine what it would be like to lose someone you love in combat.

I some what feel guilty for having a good day, when I know that there are people out there that don't have that person anymore. I mourn for Sgt Bury, Sgt Wilson, Sgt Atwell and anyone else that can't kiss their family and tell them they love them. Men that I don't even know. I pray for their families. I know they all have their support groups and their methods of dealing with their loss.... but I pray for their strength and courage to go thru such a challenging part of life... ........ how does that happen??? how is it that you are here.. and then you aren't?... that the last time I saw you was the last time I'll ever see you again???? How do you handle that??? How do you get out of bed in the morning???? ........ RIP Marines. You are never forgotten.

*glo*

I dont think anyone really realizes how much it means to me when people call me "Glo" Glo is a name that my close friends and family have always called me... much like every Gloria out there... but when people are comfortable, they call me Glo... I like this... or people who don't even know my well... but call me Glo because my family does... this makes me happy too. At work, the gals call me Glo now.. i like that as well.. friends of my brother... who I hardly ever speak with call me Glo.. men my dad works with... call me Glo...

It warms my heart.. and I dont think anyone realizes it but me :)