My Time.

The time that I get to sit by myself and enjoy a cup of coffee (no milk, no sugar.. just black.. like i like my me... just kidding... I don't like my men that way.. haha)is some of the best moments of my day. Just moments before my husband wakes up and joins me with that smiling, boyish face that I love so much.. but for now.. these moments are mine.

Not a lot is different from the rest of my day-- it's just a little more special.

Lately, I have been fantasizing about my 1st home that I'll buy some day.. Never thought I'd dream of a white picket fence but it's totally there. Mulch, shrubbery, foliage, beautiful flowers. I want a fountain with a stream and fish.. (THAT RACCOONS WILL NOT EAT! .. Danny and I were talking about this the other day and he said, "well yeah, until the raccoons eat of your fish.." HHAHAHA.. i was like... NOOOO MY HYPOTHETICAL FISH JUST GOT EATEN!!)

but we are in work right now to see if we can get preapproved.. I'm excited to go house shopping and spending weekends at Lowe's... oh man.. talk about a hot date... home improvement stores are the hottest kind of date... a long way to go still.. but for now.. I am enjoying my coffee.. sitting on the couch... watching whatever i want to watch.. planning the events of my day.. what should i do? I want to go to the gym, have to go to best buy, have to go to the apple store, want to get my nails done.. have to remember to eat right.. my German teacher from high school and I are trying to kick start a clean eating routine.. i did pretty great yesterday.. until I had 2 glasses of wine and a cookie.. oh yeah.. and this awesome sauce that i made to dip my artichoke in :( whoops.. I really have to control those little splurges that i engulf myself in...

Yut for now. off to start my day.. 1st things 1st.. wake up my bayyyyboooozeeee... ;)

OH MAN! I LOST IT!

It's been a LONG time since I have written anything, and I was feeling motivated and inspired.. Then I opened up blogger.com and I lost it all. Maybe that's a sign. I shouldn't blog. BAH! I say... I do what I want.. actually, Whitfield use'd to say that.. I dont. I just say, "meh." I say Meh a lot.. it signifies this feeling of.. I don't really care.. But the truth is, I do care.. and the shrug of my shoulders, the slight exhale and the sound that leaves my mouth... like.. "meeeh" is just a mask for me actually caring... but not having the energy to put forth and do anything.

So. Meh. I am going to write anyway. is the concept of a personal, public blog- self centered? Who am I to assume that you all are just dying to know what I am thinking about.. or what I have been up to. I think I may right a book someday.. about my life.. now, that's the ultimate vain thought.. not only am I under the impression that you really are interested in my random ass thoughts, but NOW.. i am going to make you pay $21.95 to read my thoughts.. HAHAHA.... THIS is a great idea.

I have been nominated for a nice award in the Marine Corps.. there is a very tiny to slim to none chance of getting this.. and that's okay.. it'll be a good thought after its all said and done.. but the conversation boils down to.. is my vagina the only reason why I would be getting nominated? "Being fun and bubbly is getting me this nomination...." (someone said this to me recently...) and it pisses me off.. because there is truth to that. No, I do not think that that is the reason.. but it just goes to show that if I work really really hard in the Corps.. there will always be an underlying factor that I am a cute bubbly girl, which gives me attention, so i will get "special" privileges.. you can bitch an moan all you want about how, "WELL DON'T USE THAT TO YOUR ADVANTAGE!!!"... And i could yell back till i was blue in the face and say , " I'M NOT!! IM REALLY TRYING HARD TO BE OUTSTANDING, AND DO EVERYTHING THEY ASK OF ME, AND THEN SOME! I WANT TO TRAIN, AND LEAD, AND DEVELOP JUNIOR MARINES TO BE OUTSTANDING! I WANT TO TEACH THEM OUT TO LEAVE A LEGACY OF BRILLIANCE.. I WANT TO SHARE THE LOVE... the love that burns so deep through my veins.. the passion for this screwed up institution.. I want to do everything I can to do a good job!!!!" but at the end of the day.. treatment will be different... and no matter the black and white... fellow Marines will look at me for just those reasons, " oh, shes a cute girl... that's why she's got it..." well this is what i have to say to you... "very well."

I'm actually not going to get upset by it, because I would be a fool to think that that's not true. Just like God made man and woman different, I know that woman will be treated differently then men. The defining line is if you use it to your advantage or not... Do you use the power of the vagina to get what you want? And at the end of the day, when you lay your greasy little face on your filthy pillow.. smudged in too tan foundation and mascara marks... and you feel confident in the abilities of yourself that you are not taking advantage of the system.. that's all what matter.

on that note.. I feel like.... if I was a 300 PFTer.. and I could run 3 miles in 24 minutes.. I would have the key to success in the Marine Corps.. honestly.. in my mind, when i think if the Corps.. that's the tool to infinite success. I can do what you ask, I will ask if I can not do.. I will follow up if I don't understand, and I will seek continuous guidance and room for improvement, while trying to pass on what I've been taught to my juniors... but if I can't run.. then I have nothing. I feel like running right now. I might just do that.. right after i get done watching America's Cutest Kittens.. THE BEST PART OF MY SATURDAY MORNINGS! ... I often find myself home alone saturday mornings.. and this show is ALWAYS on.. makes me soooooo happy.. Okay.. for today.. I am going to get off the couch... put away my laundry.. maybe start another load.. work on my marketing presentation final.. finish an assignment that was due last night.. THAT I ALWAYS FORGET TO DO ON FRIDAY NIGHts! ... start an finish my homework in my retail buying class... maybe watch a little bit more of cutest kittens.. (oh man, it would be so rad if my little whore of a cat was pregnant right now! KITTENS IN MY HOME!!!)... and then maybe go for a little run, just for fun... I need to find that for a sticker of my car..I want it to say.. "Little PT... good for you... good for me...?"

Blogging... I missed you.... I may come back.... but for now.. I have to go pee.

Death Before Dishonor.

Sometimes I find myself feeling guilty as I am enjoying my life. Being in the military brings death a lot closer to home then if I would have just stayed in Kalamazoo. Drug overdose, drinking and driving and other self imposed choices that a person kills them self over is one thing. Yes, it's sad and tragic. But being apart of the United States Marine Corps and seeing the families hurt from the loss of their loved one... that's a different kind of pain. My husband has lost too many of his Marines. Phone calls from Marines out of the blue are almost never good. It kills me to watch people hurt over that. Recently, VMA-211 was attacked in Afghan. It took a few days for me to realize that one of the two Marines that were killed was someone I deployed with. Sgt Atwell and I weren't good friends. I couldn't tell you his 1st name, and I never spoke with him after we got off the MEU. We went out with groups of people, been drunk together and lived a few rooms away from each other. It's a small world, and it's a smaller Marine Corps with only about 160,000 of us. I am amazed of the odds when it comes to being effected by a fallen Marine. It's very sad that Atwell has given the ultimate sacrifice. It pains me that he was once here, and now he's not. For the 6 mths I knew him, never did I think that his life would be over in a matter of 4 years. Standing next to him in formation, I didn't look over and see a man who was going to be killed in combat in Afghan in 4 years, leaving his new bride to mourn his death. Like I said, Atwell and I weren't super close- just two Marines in the same unit for 6 mths. So it's not me that lost someone that pains me... it's the fact that his wife is with out him. His friends have lost him. His parents have to bury their son. With tears in my eyes, my chest is heavy. Shallow breaths take over in the middle of my haircuts as I think of the pain his family is going thru. The guilt I feel is from these thoughts. Like, how dare I enjoy my day.. when that woman sleeps alone at night. When she looks at the last email he sent her- excited to be coming home from war in a month. The last skype conversation they had... little did they know that everything was going to change.

My whole life I've had a very hard time excepting time. I remember at a very very young age crying and panicking that time next stops, and that moments in life are so brief... and then they are over... Older and older.. always changing, never being able to hang on to a moment because then its done. I am a very emotional person. I catch myself driving down the road and if for a moment my thoughts get away from me and I think about how unpredictable life is... I break down and cry... Someday the people we love the most may not be there. Everything in life comes to an end and there is nothing I can do about it. I have no idea how I am going to handle death when it approaches. The Marines that Danny has served with that has given the ultimate sacrifice are Marines I have never met before, and it hurts so much to hear the news... and think about how they were here once, and then they aren't. How devastated their family must feel. How much pain it causes and adjustments to not have them anymore. Seeing the memorials of fallen Marines on facebook makes me cry every time. I know it's something that we are all aware of when we enlist. It is a thought that crosses all of our minds when we head out for deployments. We know there is always a possibility. Let's face it, we are putting ourselves out there... it's a lot safer at home... But it's what the military does. And it's something that we have to "just accept"... I really want to go to Afghan.. I really want to give my time and support my Marines out there-- and be apart of it. But there is always that thought that we as Marines have to swallow. The "what ifs"...

I can't imagine what it would be like to lose someone you love in combat.

I some what feel guilty for having a good day, when I know that there are people out there that don't have that person anymore. I mourn for Sgt Bury, Sgt Wilson, Sgt Atwell and anyone else that can't kiss their family and tell them they love them. Men that I don't even know. I pray for their families. I know they all have their support groups and their methods of dealing with their loss.... but I pray for their strength and courage to go thru such a challenging part of life... ........ how does that happen??? how is it that you are here.. and then you aren't?... that the last time I saw you was the last time I'll ever see you again???? How do you handle that??? How do you get out of bed in the morning???? ........ RIP Marines. You are never forgotten.

*glo*

I dont think anyone really realizes how much it means to me when people call me "Glo" Glo is a name that my close friends and family have always called me... much like every Gloria out there... but when people are comfortable, they call me Glo... I like this... or people who don't even know my well... but call me Glo because my family does... this makes me happy too. At work, the gals call me Glo now.. i like that as well.. friends of my brother... who I hardly ever speak with call me Glo.. men my dad works with... call me Glo...

It warms my heart.. and I dont think anyone realizes it but me :)

We're just two lost souls..swimming in a fish bowl... year after year....

I dont believe in panic attacks.. and I dont believe in ADHD... I believe that we are all in control of our own feelings. It's amazing what a healthy life style and diet does to an individual...along with the right amount of sleep each night.. Now, with that being said... my extreme level of ADHD is pissing me off lately... as well as my sudden panic attacks. I don't know if either of them are what they actually are.. But I keep panicking lately.. I am stressing about up coming events in life and the change of scenery that will be happening.. It's true... we all have to grow up some day in our lives... but when it's good.. you don't want that to change.. you want to keep having and awesome life.. awesome time.. awesome friends.. I love my job, i love my family, my home.. my friends.. my moments in life when i find myself driving down the 405 gazing out into traffic.. thinking about how awesome everything is... i love having a really awesome moment in time and thinking.. this is going to be a memory later... someday I'll look back and reflect on this exact moment I am living and wish I were here.. and want to reply everything about it in my mind.. and here I am.. living it... but as time is ever changing.. that moment is gone...

the question of contentment has been on my mind lately.. will I ever be content...being content? I dont really believe in that either.. as much as i'd like to say yes there is a goal of mine.. i know me well enough to know that i like change... as scary as it is.. and as much as i long for the good times to last and last.. i know that when life is too much of the same.. i must stir things up... it sucks sometimes..but i guess thats what keeps things exciting. I'm sad to be tearing up everything I am comfortable with and jumbling it all around-- but isn't that what keeps us in a fwd perpetual motion?

anxiety has been building up.... maybe i just gotta go for a run...

It's time for a new leaf...

This last weekend was most likely one of the best in my life... and I'm here to tell you about it. As you all know I was in school for a month in July learning my new MOS for the Marine Corps. So this last weekend was the 1st reserve drill weekend I've had. Earlier in the week I was pointed in the direction to write this Sgt an email an let him know I'll be on deck the following weekend and I needed billeting for the room at the hotel.... He writes back and says, "Just show up in Alphas and we will go from there." Well this is irritating because I have a lot of question, and that doesn't answer anything. So I write him back. "Roger that Sgt, I already checked in to the unit when I got back from MOS school, do I still need to be in my Alphas? I know the company is going to the range this weekend, should I be prepared for that or have to bring anything? There may be CFT (combat fitness tests) to make up, should I be prepared to do that as well? Let me know asap so I can plan accordingly." So, the Sgt doesn't write me back and I can't get ahold of anyone.. So I Thursday morning I leave my house at 0445 to get to base by 0600. Im standing there in my dress uniform and the Marine I checked in after MOS school walks up to me and says, "Sgt, why are you in Alphas? You already checked in?" GAHHHHHHH!!!! **&^(^(#$(%ADFA*!! WHY DOES COMMUNICATION SUCK SO MUCH IN THE CORPS?!?!?!... So the Cpl tells me to go put on my cammies... "Aye, Cpl" lol...I change over and get introduced to the company GySgt.. he tells me that I will be attached to H&S Co. but doesn't know the details just yet.. Oh,okay.. roger that.. and tells me to go to supply and get my stuff I'm headed to the range this weekend .. ok! awesome! So i go an get my rifle.. and head to supply.. "Hey Sgt, sorry.. but we dont have anymore gear.." ... what do you mean???? "Um, well we dont have anything really left... what would you like?" ... "Well... do you have a sleep system?" .. "No".. well.. tell me what you do have?? Do you have a fleece, gator, gloves, polypro, and gortex?" Check... gimme that shit.. do you have a day pack I can put this in? "No. "... well screw you too then supply... OMgoodness... I just remembered that Danny and I camped out last weekend and all of our supplies are in the jeep still! THANK YOU!!!... I also was smart enough to have brought my pack that I bought that is authorized in cammies.. so, I pack my stuff up to hurry up an wait...

1st night.. trying to figure out all my stuff.. and where i belong.. reserves are a little different.. no structure right off the bat... that, or people were all lost bcuz of the range? i dunno.. but either way i spent the 1st day asking "WHO IS MY STAFF NCO?!?!?" That night- we have a Sgt's brief and I pull Gunny aside and ask, "Gunnery Sgt.. will you please inform me as to what I am doing here? Where I should be? And what my duties are? This is killing me, wandering around like a lost puppy..." So he tells me he's assigning me to H&S Co, Headquarters PLT Sgt.. awesome.. I've heard nothing but turrrrible things about this...but that's fitting.. I always have been the gold medal finalist a the special olympics.. That night I held formation with my new plt to introduce myself to them... as I barked "Plt, FALL IN"... their eyes perked open like that hadn't heard that in a minute.. I watch them slum along kind of dragging as to the POA (position of attention).. nasty... maybe it's because i have been out for a few years.. but oh man.. nasty... i say..

"Good Evening Marines, my name is Sgt Gilligan and I am your new Plt Sgt. I wanted to introduce myself to you and let you know a little bit about me and my beliefs.. 1st an foremost.. This is the United States Marine Corps, and even though you only cut your nasty hair one day a month, and get the privilege to put this uniform on two days a month, you will not forget that you are part of an elite group of people that get to call themselves Marines. I love the Marine Corps, and I am pumped to be here! I'm excited to be your Plt Sgt and I am excited to make you love the Corps as much as I do.. This shit seeps thru my pours... and I hope you get infected. Rank structure is crucial. Everything we do in the Marine Corps has a bigger picture to it.. and something as little as addressing your senior Marines by rank and name is the 1st step.. You will stand at parade rest when speaking to an NCO when you are not an NCO.. because I will do the same damn thing when Gunny comes rolling up to talk to me. " blah blah blah.. something along those lines.. The weekend went great and I was pumped and motivated.. I worked the pits on the little end all weekend on the radio.. running up an down and having a great time.. Terrified about qualing... It had been 4 years since I touched a rifle... well I did a great job.. and i feel like it was legit.. like.. i didnt get the hook ups from the pit.. I took well aimed shots.. and when I knew I hadnt taken my time.. it showed.. over all i shot a 233, Expert.. the highest inthe CO was 243 i think.. so not too shabby.. there were def things I could had done to geta higher score, but I was happy with it.. Back from the field on Sunday my XO (boot Lt.) pulls me aside to give me an initial counseling.. after asking me a bunch of questions about my life and where I came from she says, "Sgt, I am really excited you are here. I noticed you the minute you got on deck with your rush of enthusiasm and excitement. I love what you've done with your plt already and how motivated you are, watching you with your Marines makes me wish I was a Sgt, you motivate the hell out of me" blah blah blah... I was so excited! I was so nervous this weekend, coming in.. not knowing what it would be like.. and getting positive feedback made me as smitten as a kitten... Then after we secured.. my Company Gunny shot me a text message that said "out standing job this weekend, Sgt Gilligan.. you really came in at full speed.." or something like that... so it meant a lot to me.. and I feel confident and excited... life seems amazing right now.. and I am so happy to be back in the Marines.. and leading.. better yet.. getting the opportunity to lead... I never really got this chance when I was in... maybe a little.. but ya know.. I was always Gilligan.. i always felt like.... i dunno... I wont go into details here.. but I didn't ever feel like a good Marine.. my 1st couple of years was spent drunk and erasing the memories from the night before... never put in a position of authority till the very end.. and I really can't blame them.. I was too busy trying to be the funny guy for all the Marines.. I feel like I get a 2nd chance now. and I like how it's starting off.. its a new leaf for me... leaving Gilligan behind and rushing in as Sgt Sherer... This is my time to shine... and to do what I long to do... Lead Marines.... Hope I do a good job...

But Ill always be me... that wont ever change....

no matter how hard I try.. there will always be Dan Gilligan's genes inside, just dying to make people laugh... Thnx Dad! hahah

a little PT... just for you... just for me.....

*grumble grumble grumble* I went for a run this morning.... I know I am not the fastest runner.. but i felt great.. and I was running a 27-28 min PFT... THAT'S almost 6 minutes off my runtime! GAHHHH!!!! I am so embarrassed that I started MOS school off on such a bad foot :( I knew I could do better then that! Does humidity really screw you over like that?!?!?! I didn't realize that! I have my CFT in a few weeks-- i'm pretty confident it will be just fine... I guess rifle range is the same weekend.. This will be pretty exciting!

My cat doesn't let me sit on my computer.. she's such an attention whore like her mother... she must walk all over me and thru her head under my hands .. DEMANDING i pet her.. stop what I am doing... and show her love.. AND THEN... she RUNS thru the house like a mad woman! i know none of us in the house are drug users, but i wonder if she finds 8balls of crack somewhere....

Gilligan