My Weeping Willow...

I have made these choices myself. Self inflicted heart-ache and pain. I know that this is what needs to happen, and I know that this is only the beginning.

Isn't it amazing how awful experiences can be, even when you are aware when they are happening? You can't even prepare yourself from your own prior knowledge.. You know the limb will break as you jump for your life the weight of your body bends until the little fibers can't hold up all 122lbs of you...but you jump anyways.. you know you are 100 feet from concrete, and it will hurt unlike any previous time in your life, but you fall anyway... you know you have to land softly and roll, otherwise you'll break your legs... But just as stubborn as a child you plummet to the solid concrete, stiff legged an all- shattering every bone in your body.. and you sat there, the whole time.. warning yourself of the pain the next step will cause... and you did it anyway...

Sometimes in life, we have to climb that Weeping Willow tree...( I picked a Weeping Willow, because it's the current feeling of my life).. it's such a sad looking tree... but so beautiful at the same time... The limbs are week an fragile, the twigs are delicate and frail... we climb an climb, hanging on for dear life, but the higher we go-- the harder it will be when we fall.. and I just took that step on the branch that was too weak...

and there my soul sits, at the very top, looking down as I fall with flailing arms..I wont die. I know there lay a thin sheet at the bottom, just before concrete -- to catch me... it comes in the form of Jesus.. an he never left.. he's just waiting for me to realize that he's there to catch me... I don't know how far I have climbed yet.. so I don't know when I'll stop falling.. but this is just the beginning... of my long journey down the Weeping Willow....

xoxoxo

glo

Whelp. Here we are.

I might as well start now. Some of you know, many many many of you do not. As of Aug 1st..I activate... I leave my home.. my family and my friends, and I start my long journey to Afghan.. I'll head to NC for about 4 mths- and from there head to the middle east... I will be deactivating my fb before I get in country.. I have zero interest in posting anything while I am over there, and exploiting my life ...

I know a lot of you know the path my life has been on in this last year.. and with a clean fresh start, I am taking this opportunity to cleanse. I will keep my blog, incase you are genuinely interested in what I am up to, I will have email-- but I don't want to be contacted via email...

gloria.sherer@gmail.com -- incase you wish.. otherwise, I am requesting hand written letters only... I'll post my address when i get there.. I have a long ways to go before I get there..

today i start packing up my life into many boxes and totes to be stored within a storage facility... I have about 4 days to do it... and as scatter brained as I am, I struggle to organize my thoughts and emotions long enough to get done what has to be done. My life has been pretty emotional in the last month.... the word "emotional" is a weak word to describe the magnitude of angst, stress, pain, and nausea I am actually experiencing. I think along this journey I have had my 1st anxiety attack. I can't tell if I need to vomit, or cry... maybe a little both.. maybe at the same time.. but instead.. when I know all I have to do is cry... for some reason i can't. I wont. I refuse to. I don't have time to be weak and sulk in the choices I have made... I will save that for another time.. maybe when i am alone in NC.. maybe when I am by myself and quiet in aghan. One of these days I will have to face the demons that lurk in the depths of the darkness.. the darkness that's trying to make me weak. I'm far too strong to give into such pathetic behavior... at least that's what I am talking myself into.

It's hard. everything is hard. I don't like being alone.

As I sat this afternoon in my garage, organizing boxes of my life... I ran across a tote filled with memories of my past. all my bootcamp letters/cards/pictures, along with a billion letters from gf's in high school. my cap an gown, journals from my childhood.. where i wrote Gloria Schuring over everything (hahah I love you, Danni!) letters even back to 8th grade band class, when Kim and I would pass notes in front of Mr. Hazen...

the letters that pull at my heart the most are from my father. There is no doubt in my mind that 90% of the choices I have made in my short life are in direct connection to making him proud. He wrote me so many in highschool, and so much encouragement thru bootcamp.. I pulled a few out and I intend on taking them on this deployment with me....

I really need to change up the music I am listening to lately... this is killing me... altho, the sappy shit is how I am feeling-- it doesn't help my motivation.. I have accomplished nothing today.. besides sitting alone in the garage, ready letters spread all over the floor, and crying.. Maybe that's all I needed.. i got my crying out of the way...

I am excited and I am scared. my life is going to be completely different when i get back... and as hard as it is too push that all aside and not dwell on it..it's still there.. tugging on the coat tails of my heart...

your heart is a funny thing.

There is so much that has to happen. and I waist my time--- sitting here ..... maybe I'll pack a little more.. maybe I'll just sit and stair at my Gizwiz... because I love her.. and she looks adorable with a collar n a bell :)... i think I am going to give her a bath tonight...she needs to smell like cherries,,, and then clip her nails...because I dont like how she claws me...

Also, found a journal entry from the day I walked into the rctr station the very 1st time. I'm proud of my insight... little did I know what I was actually getting myself into. I did mention that I had no idea know what I was getting into, nor what I would have to go thru.. but that God would never give me something I couldn't handle... whelp, looks like here is another one of those moments in my life...

I want to talk about something else... The Marine Corps... but I am very to sick of stressing about my feelings.. so I will save that for another rant. This is all I have on my mind....

Yut for now.. Rah rah and all that jazz...

xoxoxoxox

The Motivator ... (haha, that was my call sign :) AKA Sgt Sherer AKA Glo

My Time.

The time that I get to sit by myself and enjoy a cup of coffee (no milk, no sugar.. just black.. like i like my me... just kidding... I don't like my men that way.. haha)is some of the best moments of my day. Just moments before my husband wakes up and joins me with that smiling, boyish face that I love so much.. but for now.. these moments are mine.

Not a lot is different from the rest of my day-- it's just a little more special.

Lately, I have been fantasizing about my 1st home that I'll buy some day.. Never thought I'd dream of a white picket fence but it's totally there. Mulch, shrubbery, foliage, beautiful flowers. I want a fountain with a stream and fish.. (THAT RACCOONS WILL NOT EAT! .. Danny and I were talking about this the other day and he said, "well yeah, until the raccoons eat of your fish.." HHAHAHA.. i was like... NOOOO MY HYPOTHETICAL FISH JUST GOT EATEN!!)

but we are in work right now to see if we can get preapproved.. I'm excited to go house shopping and spending weekends at Lowe's... oh man.. talk about a hot date... home improvement stores are the hottest kind of date... a long way to go still.. but for now.. I am enjoying my coffee.. sitting on the couch... watching whatever i want to watch.. planning the events of my day.. what should i do? I want to go to the gym, have to go to best buy, have to go to the apple store, want to get my nails done.. have to remember to eat right.. my German teacher from high school and I are trying to kick start a clean eating routine.. i did pretty great yesterday.. until I had 2 glasses of wine and a cookie.. oh yeah.. and this awesome sauce that i made to dip my artichoke in :( whoops.. I really have to control those little splurges that i engulf myself in...

Yut for now. off to start my day.. 1st things 1st.. wake up my bayyyyboooozeeee... ;)

OH MAN! I LOST IT!

It's been a LONG time since I have written anything, and I was feeling motivated and inspired.. Then I opened up blogger.com and I lost it all. Maybe that's a sign. I shouldn't blog. BAH! I say... I do what I want.. actually, Whitfield use'd to say that.. I dont. I just say, "meh." I say Meh a lot.. it signifies this feeling of.. I don't really care.. But the truth is, I do care.. and the shrug of my shoulders, the slight exhale and the sound that leaves my mouth... like.. "meeeh" is just a mask for me actually caring... but not having the energy to put forth and do anything.

So. Meh. I am going to write anyway. is the concept of a personal, public blog- self centered? Who am I to assume that you all are just dying to know what I am thinking about.. or what I have been up to. I think I may right a book someday.. about my life.. now, that's the ultimate vain thought.. not only am I under the impression that you really are interested in my random ass thoughts, but NOW.. i am going to make you pay $21.95 to read my thoughts.. HAHAHA.... THIS is a great idea.

I have been nominated for a nice award in the Marine Corps.. there is a very tiny to slim to none chance of getting this.. and that's okay.. it'll be a good thought after its all said and done.. but the conversation boils down to.. is my vagina the only reason why I would be getting nominated? "Being fun and bubbly is getting me this nomination...." (someone said this to me recently...) and it pisses me off.. because there is truth to that. No, I do not think that that is the reason.. but it just goes to show that if I work really really hard in the Corps.. there will always be an underlying factor that I am a cute bubbly girl, which gives me attention, so i will get "special" privileges.. you can bitch an moan all you want about how, "WELL DON'T USE THAT TO YOUR ADVANTAGE!!!"... And i could yell back till i was blue in the face and say , " I'M NOT!! IM REALLY TRYING HARD TO BE OUTSTANDING, AND DO EVERYTHING THEY ASK OF ME, AND THEN SOME! I WANT TO TRAIN, AND LEAD, AND DEVELOP JUNIOR MARINES TO BE OUTSTANDING! I WANT TO TEACH THEM OUT TO LEAVE A LEGACY OF BRILLIANCE.. I WANT TO SHARE THE LOVE... the love that burns so deep through my veins.. the passion for this screwed up institution.. I want to do everything I can to do a good job!!!!" but at the end of the day.. treatment will be different... and no matter the black and white... fellow Marines will look at me for just those reasons, " oh, shes a cute girl... that's why she's got it..." well this is what i have to say to you... "very well."

I'm actually not going to get upset by it, because I would be a fool to think that that's not true. Just like God made man and woman different, I know that woman will be treated differently then men. The defining line is if you use it to your advantage or not... Do you use the power of the vagina to get what you want? And at the end of the day, when you lay your greasy little face on your filthy pillow.. smudged in too tan foundation and mascara marks... and you feel confident in the abilities of yourself that you are not taking advantage of the system.. that's all what matter.

on that note.. I feel like.... if I was a 300 PFTer.. and I could run 3 miles in 24 minutes.. I would have the key to success in the Marine Corps.. honestly.. in my mind, when i think if the Corps.. that's the tool to infinite success. I can do what you ask, I will ask if I can not do.. I will follow up if I don't understand, and I will seek continuous guidance and room for improvement, while trying to pass on what I've been taught to my juniors... but if I can't run.. then I have nothing. I feel like running right now. I might just do that.. right after i get done watching America's Cutest Kittens.. THE BEST PART OF MY SATURDAY MORNINGS! ... I often find myself home alone saturday mornings.. and this show is ALWAYS on.. makes me soooooo happy.. Okay.. for today.. I am going to get off the couch... put away my laundry.. maybe start another load.. work on my marketing presentation final.. finish an assignment that was due last night.. THAT I ALWAYS FORGET TO DO ON FRIDAY NIGHts! ... start an finish my homework in my retail buying class... maybe watch a little bit more of cutest kittens.. (oh man, it would be so rad if my little whore of a cat was pregnant right now! KITTENS IN MY HOME!!!)... and then maybe go for a little run, just for fun... I need to find that for a sticker of my car..I want it to say.. "Little PT... good for you... good for me...?"

Blogging... I missed you.... I may come back.... but for now.. I have to go pee.

Death Before Dishonor.

Sometimes I find myself feeling guilty as I am enjoying my life. Being in the military brings death a lot closer to home then if I would have just stayed in Kalamazoo. Drug overdose, drinking and driving and other self imposed choices that a person kills them self over is one thing. Yes, it's sad and tragic. But being apart of the United States Marine Corps and seeing the families hurt from the loss of their loved one... that's a different kind of pain. My husband has lost too many of his Marines. Phone calls from Marines out of the blue are almost never good. It kills me to watch people hurt over that. Recently, VMA-211 was attacked in Afghan. It took a few days for me to realize that one of the two Marines that were killed was someone I deployed with. Sgt Atwell and I weren't good friends. I couldn't tell you his 1st name, and I never spoke with him after we got off the MEU. We went out with groups of people, been drunk together and lived a few rooms away from each other. It's a small world, and it's a smaller Marine Corps with only about 160,000 of us. I am amazed of the odds when it comes to being effected by a fallen Marine. It's very sad that Atwell has given the ultimate sacrifice. It pains me that he was once here, and now he's not. For the 6 mths I knew him, never did I think that his life would be over in a matter of 4 years. Standing next to him in formation, I didn't look over and see a man who was going to be killed in combat in Afghan in 4 years, leaving his new bride to mourn his death. Like I said, Atwell and I weren't super close- just two Marines in the same unit for 6 mths. So it's not me that lost someone that pains me... it's the fact that his wife is with out him. His friends have lost him. His parents have to bury their son. With tears in my eyes, my chest is heavy. Shallow breaths take over in the middle of my haircuts as I think of the pain his family is going thru. The guilt I feel is from these thoughts. Like, how dare I enjoy my day.. when that woman sleeps alone at night. When she looks at the last email he sent her- excited to be coming home from war in a month. The last skype conversation they had... little did they know that everything was going to change.

My whole life I've had a very hard time excepting time. I remember at a very very young age crying and panicking that time next stops, and that moments in life are so brief... and then they are over... Older and older.. always changing, never being able to hang on to a moment because then its done. I am a very emotional person. I catch myself driving down the road and if for a moment my thoughts get away from me and I think about how unpredictable life is... I break down and cry... Someday the people we love the most may not be there. Everything in life comes to an end and there is nothing I can do about it. I have no idea how I am going to handle death when it approaches. The Marines that Danny has served with that has given the ultimate sacrifice are Marines I have never met before, and it hurts so much to hear the news... and think about how they were here once, and then they aren't. How devastated their family must feel. How much pain it causes and adjustments to not have them anymore. Seeing the memorials of fallen Marines on facebook makes me cry every time. I know it's something that we are all aware of when we enlist. It is a thought that crosses all of our minds when we head out for deployments. We know there is always a possibility. Let's face it, we are putting ourselves out there... it's a lot safer at home... But it's what the military does. And it's something that we have to "just accept"... I really want to go to Afghan.. I really want to give my time and support my Marines out there-- and be apart of it. But there is always that thought that we as Marines have to swallow. The "what ifs"...

I can't imagine what it would be like to lose someone you love in combat.

I some what feel guilty for having a good day, when I know that there are people out there that don't have that person anymore. I mourn for Sgt Bury, Sgt Wilson, Sgt Atwell and anyone else that can't kiss their family and tell them they love them. Men that I don't even know. I pray for their families. I know they all have their support groups and their methods of dealing with their loss.... but I pray for their strength and courage to go thru such a challenging part of life... ........ how does that happen??? how is it that you are here.. and then you aren't?... that the last time I saw you was the last time I'll ever see you again???? How do you handle that??? How do you get out of bed in the morning???? ........ RIP Marines. You are never forgotten.

*glo*

I dont think anyone really realizes how much it means to me when people call me "Glo" Glo is a name that my close friends and family have always called me... much like every Gloria out there... but when people are comfortable, they call me Glo... I like this... or people who don't even know my well... but call me Glo because my family does... this makes me happy too. At work, the gals call me Glo now.. i like that as well.. friends of my brother... who I hardly ever speak with call me Glo.. men my dad works with... call me Glo...

It warms my heart.. and I dont think anyone realizes it but me :)

We're just two lost souls..swimming in a fish bowl... year after year....

I dont believe in panic attacks.. and I dont believe in ADHD... I believe that we are all in control of our own feelings. It's amazing what a healthy life style and diet does to an individual...along with the right amount of sleep each night.. Now, with that being said... my extreme level of ADHD is pissing me off lately... as well as my sudden panic attacks. I don't know if either of them are what they actually are.. But I keep panicking lately.. I am stressing about up coming events in life and the change of scenery that will be happening.. It's true... we all have to grow up some day in our lives... but when it's good.. you don't want that to change.. you want to keep having and awesome life.. awesome time.. awesome friends.. I love my job, i love my family, my home.. my friends.. my moments in life when i find myself driving down the 405 gazing out into traffic.. thinking about how awesome everything is... i love having a really awesome moment in time and thinking.. this is going to be a memory later... someday I'll look back and reflect on this exact moment I am living and wish I were here.. and want to reply everything about it in my mind.. and here I am.. living it... but as time is ever changing.. that moment is gone...

the question of contentment has been on my mind lately.. will I ever be content...being content? I dont really believe in that either.. as much as i'd like to say yes there is a goal of mine.. i know me well enough to know that i like change... as scary as it is.. and as much as i long for the good times to last and last.. i know that when life is too much of the same.. i must stir things up... it sucks sometimes..but i guess thats what keeps things exciting. I'm sad to be tearing up everything I am comfortable with and jumbling it all around-- but isn't that what keeps us in a fwd perpetual motion?

anxiety has been building up.... maybe i just gotta go for a run...