Far Behind by Candlebox

isn't it strange how much our teens suck... you feel so alone an troubled, like your falling down this deep dark hole... an no one understands you.. but then somehow .. you grow past it... an everything works out. an when you get older, you have an opportunity to listen to younger people-- an you realize.. holy hell.. we all go thru that stage.. at least for me anyhow.. I was thinking about life the other day.. well, i think about it everyday.. but the other day i was thinking about this.. an then i just read my cousin's blog-- an it is JUST like my journal when i was 17/18/19 years old.. SOOOOO boy crazy.. an inlove with EVERYONE.. holy crap was i inlove with every one. everything.. anytime a guy paid me attention.. i couldn't get them out of my mind. it was this sick twisted control that they didnt even know they had over me... but i couldnt help it.. like the plague they would just eat away at me.. until someone else came along and paid me more attention.. or some crazy dramatic falling out.. but when did that change? when did i start feeling in control? ya know- i'm not sure if i even feel in control these days hahah.. but what i was thinking about was how much people change.. how much i changed... somewhere from 18 an 21 my identity came to me..i go back home a visit occasionally.. but even then.. those people dont know me... i think about the time spent in Japan when i was 20... the boys i'd roll with.. Toler, thunder, Brody, Merz, Hayter, Krissy.. @ Terry's... drinking Boogies all night an slamming shots of habu saké... it was this whole new person that came out of me when i left home.. I'd like to be humble.. but confident when I say that my friends liked me.. they liked me around.. that i may have been the drunk center of attention.. but moreso they liked me because i was funny... the countless memories.. (or blackouts lol) from that period in time.. I remember being worried when i got back to the states.. that that person wasn't going to come with me.. I wanted to stay being the "funny guy" ... i was worried about how my friends in NC would take me... but it all rolled intogether.. Whit, Mikey, Sanford, Lew, Face, Scott, Driskill.. they were some of my group.. an I remember so many great nights... its this confidence.. somewhere along the way.. i became me.... an when i go home to Kalamazoo.. I know that not a single person there knows who I am.. which i guess is okay.. they don't need to know me.. that's why i left it behind.. an all the stupid things I did... Remember memorial day weekend in Knoxville, TN.. MAN that was fun.. i remember i wanted to go to Cottoneye Joe's soooo bad.. an ride a damn cowboy (wild bull.. but i kept calling it a cowboy).. an we taught Scotts mother (who doesnt drink) how to play beer pong.. an the rest of the 15 brothers an sisters he has.. an they made fun of how i eat.. an somehow Sanfords truck had my bootprints on the ceiling.. an Scott was looking for the lighter.. an i was looking for the lighter.. an he turned to me an said, "WHAT, ARE YOU DUMB".. an then the two of them laughed so hard.. an i was soo lost.. Kalamazoo just reminds me of boys..an it makes me ill... I spent so many years wasted on ... boys... damn.. i've wasted so many years of my LIFE.. on boys... what the hell for? why ?? why why why?? Im so happy that I'm married now. so its okay that i can be 100% consumed in love.. an its mutual... but what was wrong with me then... But as i was saying.. they don't know me.. but then again-- im not really that person anymore either.. i'm a home body.. i like to throw dinner parties and cook for lots of people an sew things, or crochet.. clean my house.. will we forever dwell on the past? replay our "glory days" over an over?... i am happy that i am past those days.. let me rephrase that.. I am HAPPY I got thru my teens.. an got the hell out of kalamazoo.. an all the crazy boys that i was inlove with who didnt even know i existed.. that i filled countless pages of my journal about.. craving attention from anyone that would look twice at me.. I hope i didnt mislead them.. because i guess I may have hurt some people along the way.. what in the hell happened in my life where that had to be such a big, pathetic part of my life???? so i am happy i lived past that, an joined the corps.. an i am happy i partied harder then i ever will again... for a few years.. an traveled the world with my brothers by myside.. an did some stupid .. but fun.. things... an i went balls to the wall.. (face planting over everyone)... but i lived passed it.. and now i am happy.. ECSTATIC actually.. that i lived passed that.. an met my match.. but even if i am happy where i am.. do will forever wish for our glory days again?? i met a guy that could match every story that i had.. an that was just as wild (well i thought.. come to find out.. he's SUPER.. the opp. of me! :o) --- ).. but i'm happy i lived those times and made it thru them... an have settled nicely .. as the 25 year old .. still lost, still looking for what i want in life.. but this time.. no boy drama.. just my baby... my baby an me... together.. trying to figure out what the hell i want outta my life.. our lives.. this blog was sparked by reading a younger woman's feeling about boys.. made me think about how completely retarded i was.. I guess i have no regrets.. well, thats bullshit.. because if a regret is considered "if i had another chance.. i'd do it differently" then hell yeah.. i would do SOOOO many things differently.. (as long as they still brought me to Danny :O)-- )... But i just wish i didnt waste so much time on boys.. i wish i could have been happy with me.. thats what it boils down to.. i couldnt handle myself.. by myself.. i didnt like me... couldnt handle the thought of being alone.. i just wish i would have listened to someone older then me... they are wiser.. they wre all wiser.. they all knew what was best for me.. man-- i could have played a sport... done better in school... saved more money... but nope... page after page after page... boy after boy... all of my time.. wasted .... on boys who didn't even know i was alive...man.. am i happy to not be 19 anymore.. my advice do the 16-20 y/o's..... stop wasting your time on a boy.. that part of your life can come later... right now... just be you.. learn to sit in your room by yourself.. an NOT focus on some dude.. an wonder if he likes you.. or dissect what his "hey" meant today... learn to love yourself.. an im not talking about for a night.. im saying... reallly.. really... get to know yourself.. go a couple mths w/o even batting an eye at a boy.. they aren't worth it.. an i can tell you another thing.. YOU WONT MARRY WHO YOU MEET NOW.... so it's not even worth it.. man... i wish i just played a sport.. i would have played... Softball, volleyball, i would have actually played a match in Golf.. an not just go to practice ... i could have been so cool then... if only i would have known.... only if i didnt wear my heart on my sleeve... and have a little more confidence.... so embarrassed of the person i was in kalamazoo.. just some thoughts. "an its not your fault, but mine .. an it was your heart on the line.. i really fucked it up this time... deny my dear... deny my dear.."