Death Before Dishonor.

Sometimes I find myself feeling guilty as I am enjoying my life. Being in the military brings death a lot closer to home then if I would have just stayed in Kalamazoo. Drug overdose, drinking and driving and other self imposed choices that a person kills them self over is one thing. Yes, it's sad and tragic. But being apart of the United States Marine Corps and seeing the families hurt from the loss of their loved one... that's a different kind of pain. My husband has lost too many of his Marines. Phone calls from Marines out of the blue are almost never good. It kills me to watch people hurt over that. Recently, VMA-211 was attacked in Afghan. It took a few days for me to realize that one of the two Marines that were killed was someone I deployed with. Sgt Atwell and I weren't good friends. I couldn't tell you his 1st name, and I never spoke with him after we got off the MEU. We went out with groups of people, been drunk together and lived a few rooms away from each other. It's a small world, and it's a smaller Marine Corps with only about 160,000 of us. I am amazed of the odds when it comes to being effected by a fallen Marine. It's very sad that Atwell has given the ultimate sacrifice. It pains me that he was once here, and now he's not. For the 6 mths I knew him, never did I think that his life would be over in a matter of 4 years. Standing next to him in formation, I didn't look over and see a man who was going to be killed in combat in Afghan in 4 years, leaving his new bride to mourn his death. Like I said, Atwell and I weren't super close- just two Marines in the same unit for 6 mths. So it's not me that lost someone that pains me... it's the fact that his wife is with out him. His friends have lost him. His parents have to bury their son. With tears in my eyes, my chest is heavy. Shallow breaths take over in the middle of my haircuts as I think of the pain his family is going thru. The guilt I feel is from these thoughts. Like, how dare I enjoy my day.. when that woman sleeps alone at night. When she looks at the last email he sent her- excited to be coming home from war in a month. The last skype conversation they had... little did they know that everything was going to change.

My whole life I've had a very hard time excepting time. I remember at a very very young age crying and panicking that time next stops, and that moments in life are so brief... and then they are over... Older and older.. always changing, never being able to hang on to a moment because then its done. I am a very emotional person. I catch myself driving down the road and if for a moment my thoughts get away from me and I think about how unpredictable life is... I break down and cry... Someday the people we love the most may not be there. Everything in life comes to an end and there is nothing I can do about it. I have no idea how I am going to handle death when it approaches. The Marines that Danny has served with that has given the ultimate sacrifice are Marines I have never met before, and it hurts so much to hear the news... and think about how they were here once, and then they aren't. How devastated their family must feel. How much pain it causes and adjustments to not have them anymore. Seeing the memorials of fallen Marines on facebook makes me cry every time. I know it's something that we are all aware of when we enlist. It is a thought that crosses all of our minds when we head out for deployments. We know there is always a possibility. Let's face it, we are putting ourselves out there... it's a lot safer at home... But it's what the military does. And it's something that we have to "just accept"... I really want to go to Afghan.. I really want to give my time and support my Marines out there-- and be apart of it. But there is always that thought that we as Marines have to swallow. The "what ifs"...

I can't imagine what it would be like to lose someone you love in combat.

I some what feel guilty for having a good day, when I know that there are people out there that don't have that person anymore. I mourn for Sgt Bury, Sgt Wilson, Sgt Atwell and anyone else that can't kiss their family and tell them they love them. Men that I don't even know. I pray for their families. I know they all have their support groups and their methods of dealing with their loss.... but I pray for their strength and courage to go thru such a challenging part of life... ........ how does that happen??? how is it that you are here.. and then you aren't?... that the last time I saw you was the last time I'll ever see you again???? How do you handle that??? How do you get out of bed in the morning???? ........ RIP Marines. You are never forgotten.

*glo*

I dont think anyone really realizes how much it means to me when people call me "Glo" Glo is a name that my close friends and family have always called me... much like every Gloria out there... but when people are comfortable, they call me Glo... I like this... or people who don't even know my well... but call me Glo because my family does... this makes me happy too. At work, the gals call me Glo now.. i like that as well.. friends of my brother... who I hardly ever speak with call me Glo.. men my dad works with... call me Glo...

It warms my heart.. and I dont think anyone realizes it but me :)

We're just two lost souls..swimming in a fish bowl... year after year....

I dont believe in panic attacks.. and I dont believe in ADHD... I believe that we are all in control of our own feelings. It's amazing what a healthy life style and diet does to an individual...along with the right amount of sleep each night.. Now, with that being said... my extreme level of ADHD is pissing me off lately... as well as my sudden panic attacks. I don't know if either of them are what they actually are.. But I keep panicking lately.. I am stressing about up coming events in life and the change of scenery that will be happening.. It's true... we all have to grow up some day in our lives... but when it's good.. you don't want that to change.. you want to keep having and awesome life.. awesome time.. awesome friends.. I love my job, i love my family, my home.. my friends.. my moments in life when i find myself driving down the 405 gazing out into traffic.. thinking about how awesome everything is... i love having a really awesome moment in time and thinking.. this is going to be a memory later... someday I'll look back and reflect on this exact moment I am living and wish I were here.. and want to reply everything about it in my mind.. and here I am.. living it... but as time is ever changing.. that moment is gone...

the question of contentment has been on my mind lately.. will I ever be content...being content? I dont really believe in that either.. as much as i'd like to say yes there is a goal of mine.. i know me well enough to know that i like change... as scary as it is.. and as much as i long for the good times to last and last.. i know that when life is too much of the same.. i must stir things up... it sucks sometimes..but i guess thats what keeps things exciting. I'm sad to be tearing up everything I am comfortable with and jumbling it all around-- but isn't that what keeps us in a fwd perpetual motion?

anxiety has been building up.... maybe i just gotta go for a run...

It's time for a new leaf...

This last weekend was most likely one of the best in my life... and I'm here to tell you about it. As you all know I was in school for a month in July learning my new MOS for the Marine Corps. So this last weekend was the 1st reserve drill weekend I've had. Earlier in the week I was pointed in the direction to write this Sgt an email an let him know I'll be on deck the following weekend and I needed billeting for the room at the hotel.... He writes back and says, "Just show up in Alphas and we will go from there." Well this is irritating because I have a lot of question, and that doesn't answer anything. So I write him back. "Roger that Sgt, I already checked in to the unit when I got back from MOS school, do I still need to be in my Alphas? I know the company is going to the range this weekend, should I be prepared for that or have to bring anything? There may be CFT (combat fitness tests) to make up, should I be prepared to do that as well? Let me know asap so I can plan accordingly." So, the Sgt doesn't write me back and I can't get ahold of anyone.. So I Thursday morning I leave my house at 0445 to get to base by 0600. Im standing there in my dress uniform and the Marine I checked in after MOS school walks up to me and says, "Sgt, why are you in Alphas? You already checked in?" GAHHHHHHH!!!! **&^(^(#$(%ADFA*!! WHY DOES COMMUNICATION SUCK SO MUCH IN THE CORPS?!?!?!... So the Cpl tells me to go put on my cammies... "Aye, Cpl" lol...I change over and get introduced to the company GySgt.. he tells me that I will be attached to H&S Co. but doesn't know the details just yet.. Oh,okay.. roger that.. and tells me to go to supply and get my stuff I'm headed to the range this weekend .. ok! awesome! So i go an get my rifle.. and head to supply.. "Hey Sgt, sorry.. but we dont have anymore gear.." ... what do you mean???? "Um, well we dont have anything really left... what would you like?" ... "Well... do you have a sleep system?" .. "No".. well.. tell me what you do have?? Do you have a fleece, gator, gloves, polypro, and gortex?" Check... gimme that shit.. do you have a day pack I can put this in? "No. "... well screw you too then supply... OMgoodness... I just remembered that Danny and I camped out last weekend and all of our supplies are in the jeep still! THANK YOU!!!... I also was smart enough to have brought my pack that I bought that is authorized in cammies.. so, I pack my stuff up to hurry up an wait...

1st night.. trying to figure out all my stuff.. and where i belong.. reserves are a little different.. no structure right off the bat... that, or people were all lost bcuz of the range? i dunno.. but either way i spent the 1st day asking "WHO IS MY STAFF NCO?!?!?" That night- we have a Sgt's brief and I pull Gunny aside and ask, "Gunnery Sgt.. will you please inform me as to what I am doing here? Where I should be? And what my duties are? This is killing me, wandering around like a lost puppy..." So he tells me he's assigning me to H&S Co, Headquarters PLT Sgt.. awesome.. I've heard nothing but turrrrible things about this...but that's fitting.. I always have been the gold medal finalist a the special olympics.. That night I held formation with my new plt to introduce myself to them... as I barked "Plt, FALL IN"... their eyes perked open like that hadn't heard that in a minute.. I watch them slum along kind of dragging as to the POA (position of attention).. nasty... maybe it's because i have been out for a few years.. but oh man.. nasty... i say..

"Good Evening Marines, my name is Sgt Gilligan and I am your new Plt Sgt. I wanted to introduce myself to you and let you know a little bit about me and my beliefs.. 1st an foremost.. This is the United States Marine Corps, and even though you only cut your nasty hair one day a month, and get the privilege to put this uniform on two days a month, you will not forget that you are part of an elite group of people that get to call themselves Marines. I love the Marine Corps, and I am pumped to be here! I'm excited to be your Plt Sgt and I am excited to make you love the Corps as much as I do.. This shit seeps thru my pours... and I hope you get infected. Rank structure is crucial. Everything we do in the Marine Corps has a bigger picture to it.. and something as little as addressing your senior Marines by rank and name is the 1st step.. You will stand at parade rest when speaking to an NCO when you are not an NCO.. because I will do the same damn thing when Gunny comes rolling up to talk to me. " blah blah blah.. something along those lines.. The weekend went great and I was pumped and motivated.. I worked the pits on the little end all weekend on the radio.. running up an down and having a great time.. Terrified about qualing... It had been 4 years since I touched a rifle... well I did a great job.. and i feel like it was legit.. like.. i didnt get the hook ups from the pit.. I took well aimed shots.. and when I knew I hadnt taken my time.. it showed.. over all i shot a 233, Expert.. the highest inthe CO was 243 i think.. so not too shabby.. there were def things I could had done to geta higher score, but I was happy with it.. Back from the field on Sunday my XO (boot Lt.) pulls me aside to give me an initial counseling.. after asking me a bunch of questions about my life and where I came from she says, "Sgt, I am really excited you are here. I noticed you the minute you got on deck with your rush of enthusiasm and excitement. I love what you've done with your plt already and how motivated you are, watching you with your Marines makes me wish I was a Sgt, you motivate the hell out of me" blah blah blah... I was so excited! I was so nervous this weekend, coming in.. not knowing what it would be like.. and getting positive feedback made me as smitten as a kitten... Then after we secured.. my Company Gunny shot me a text message that said "out standing job this weekend, Sgt Gilligan.. you really came in at full speed.." or something like that... so it meant a lot to me.. and I feel confident and excited... life seems amazing right now.. and I am so happy to be back in the Marines.. and leading.. better yet.. getting the opportunity to lead... I never really got this chance when I was in... maybe a little.. but ya know.. I was always Gilligan.. i always felt like.... i dunno... I wont go into details here.. but I didn't ever feel like a good Marine.. my 1st couple of years was spent drunk and erasing the memories from the night before... never put in a position of authority till the very end.. and I really can't blame them.. I was too busy trying to be the funny guy for all the Marines.. I feel like I get a 2nd chance now. and I like how it's starting off.. its a new leaf for me... leaving Gilligan behind and rushing in as Sgt Sherer... This is my time to shine... and to do what I long to do... Lead Marines.... Hope I do a good job...

But Ill always be me... that wont ever change....

no matter how hard I try.. there will always be Dan Gilligan's genes inside, just dying to make people laugh... Thnx Dad! hahah

a little PT... just for you... just for me.....

*grumble grumble grumble* I went for a run this morning.... I know I am not the fastest runner.. but i felt great.. and I was running a 27-28 min PFT... THAT'S almost 6 minutes off my runtime! GAHHHH!!!! I am so embarrassed that I started MOS school off on such a bad foot :( I knew I could do better then that! Does humidity really screw you over like that?!?!?! I didn't realize that! I have my CFT in a few weeks-- i'm pretty confident it will be just fine... I guess rifle range is the same weekend.. This will be pretty exciting!

My cat doesn't let me sit on my computer.. she's such an attention whore like her mother... she must walk all over me and thru her head under my hands .. DEMANDING i pet her.. stop what I am doing... and show her love.. AND THEN... she RUNS thru the house like a mad woman! i know none of us in the house are drug users, but i wonder if she finds 8balls of crack somewhere....

Gilligan

i want to kiss you, but i want it too much, i want to taste you.. but your lips are venomous poison.....

back to the grind...

Jumping in with both feet i feel energized, confident, determined, and motivated! my music runs thru my veins, rushes my blood and its making me feel like I'm a million dollars... pulling motivation from my peers keeps the ultimate goal in full focus.. the only thing i have to really concentrate on is keeping my eye on the prize... This summer has brought lots of changes... I just spent 30 days back in the Corps... even though it was just student status- it was just what I needed to get a grasp of what I want... I just registered for fall qtr.. i am a little nervous of how busy I will be.. but i know that in the end.. it will all be worth it.. from 0630- to 2100 just about every day except sundays i will be in school then work.. if it's worth having in life, it's worth working your ass off for... some day I know I will look back on my life when i am an old woman and i will smile... i'll smile because i know i gave it my all. there are times when we fall off track- i think that's natural.. but the difference is when you recognize it, grab life by the horns and control your situation.. I say all the time and i'll say it again... from the great words of my father, "you are the sum total of all decisions you have made in life..." you don't sit around pouting because of your situation. YOU put yourself there.. YOU are responsible.. AND ONLY YOU... can change it.. so take a big gulp of suck it the @#$^ up and do something about it. I choose to be a product of my choices, not the other way around.

I don't really know what it is- but I feel like a ray of sunshine and energy.

I am so proud of the people in my life as well. Friends are coming out of the wood work to ask you about my father's brewing company.. and I can't help but get all bubbly and giddy inside for him and his best friend for doing just that.. taking life in the hands and pursing a goal in which they have both desired. I am confident that their choices in life have impacted others and help motivate people that may not even know in life. I am in Seattle, Washington and I have had clients in my chair tell ME about my dad's brewery in Kalamazoo, Michigan. my hats off to you daddy.. you have always been my cheer leader in life, always backed me up.. and always grounded me when i got too high... you are my saving grace, and I am forever indebted to your love and support.. you will always have mine...

i can't tell you what the future holds for me.. but i know it's going to be great... and on that note.. i'd like to address my husband...

Danny may very well be the most amazing man I have met in my life... ( i never met my father, i always knew him :) -- ) His love and support, and undying devotion and love centers me... He's encouraging and trusting even when i know he is leery... He is always there to make sure I have an open mind.. and makes me see the other side of the coin in all circumstances.. even when i don't want to hear it. I spend lots of my time day dreaming about him, how we met, moments in our relationship, the excitement, the uncertainty, the exhilaration and the copious amounts of impulse choices we have made together...from getting married in 12 hours.. to moving to a tropical island in which neither of us have ever been to, nor did we know anyone.. there isn't a person on this planet that I would ever want to get lost with, take uncharted adventures... or live out my days with... I'm more blessed then I deserve to be... He is my rock. My focus.. my love... and without him... well- i'd still be me.. and i'd still be independent, focused and driven... but with him..life is a lot less hectic and lonely...

I'm sweaty, smelling, sore, and the 6 mile run i just did with a break at the gym 1/2 way thru -- really makes me want to shower. Cheers for now. -Gilligan.

didn't have to stooooooooop so low

My time here has come to an end already.. most likely the fastest month of my life has come and gone... Getting back into it has been awesome! not going to lie... it's really hard knowing im not active... I want this life again... it fills an emptiness of wandering hopes... Itll be okay tho-- because the life I have made for myself blows MC life out of the water.. sometime I wanna save my cake and eat it too... I guess I am doing that with the reservist part.... Just sad to hear about everyones orders and where they will be going and giving them advice about the "fleet".... Thank you, Camp Johnson... you have been boring and hot/humid.. happy to leave.... but so sad to say goodbye.. -Sgt Gilligan

oh she makes me.......

I can't even tell you what the last 13 days of my life has been like.... What started in this euphoric, amazing, highly anticipated month quickly turned into the worse day of my Marine Corps... for a few reasons, in which it is no ones fault but my own. What my average PFT score is a medium to high 1st class. I started this course off by failing my PFT.. well news flash. as a Sgt, there is no room for error, and at the end of the day I could complain about frivolous things like, humidity and being out for 2 years blah blah blah... but what it boils down it, is that I didn't prepare enough, and I let the Marine Corps down. Which resulted in another Sgt telling me, essentially, that I was a disappointment and there was no reason for me to even be back in and I should have never picked up Sgt. well- slap in the face to me. But she is dead right. I understand that there are a ton of different style leaderships... PT is not my top 5 strong points. But that is something that can be controlled... So, you suck in the eff up and brush off your knees, mend your hurt ego and you put one foot in front of the other... I may not be very book smert -:) and I may not be a marathon runner... (wait, I did do that.. I just ran it slow)... and I may do everything the long and hard way 1st before I get a hang of it.. but there is one thing that no one can deny me of... an that's having heart. I'm not going to give up, I am not going to fail... (completely) and I will get better... It's been quite the adjustment getting back into the swing of things... Something things come so naturally and others throw me thru loops. I stare blankly at the instructions, trying so hard to understand and comprehend, I don't want to look like a fool... I know I'll get the hang of it.

It's hard being somewhere, starting over essentially, and not having any friends. I am not used to it... I am used to people knowing me, liking me, thinking I'm funny...

I didn't really have any expectations when I got back in.. I knew it would be different, but what I guess I didn't realize is how much time it would cause me to reflect on life. We as the NCO's are teaching and training the boots about the fleet, what it's like, what to expect, and how life is... and in the midst of everything.. I forget that I am not active... I wont be at work 24/7 with Marines... I wont be irritated one moment, running around like a headless chicken the next, and so excited every morning... I get kind of sad... This is making me wonder if I should have ever gotten out??? Should I have?? I think that there are all sorts of things in life that I want to see and be apart of it.. Maybe just the reserves is the right ave.? I do love my life in Seattle.. I love my family... my job... my cat... amazing husband an I moved to a tropical island last year... FOR THE FUN OF IT! ...where is next? What's next on my list of adventures... Should I keep my beloved Corps at an arms length so I can have my cake and eat it to?

While writing this blog, I was sitting outside my hatch on the balcony... and Taps began to play... The faint sound of the horn blanketing the outdoors in a ritual of pride and respect... we stand and salute as they lower the flag of the United States of America... and put her to bed for the night, so at 0800... she can wake up, unfurl, and dance in the breeze for the rest of the day.. representing everything we stand for and support.

this is what I missed...

The Marine Corps makes me feel like I had drive and a purpose.. Maybe because it's just a challenge for me... Everything comes the hard way... and I am pretty sure that is inadvertently self inflicted..

Maaaaatu posted a blog tonight that I stopped to read, and I loved it so much I pulled my boots into a room and read it to them....Her and I agree about a lot of things in the Corps.. and even tho (i'm pretty sure) I came in before her.... I look up to her... I respect her, I want to learn from her. She is squared away, self-motivated and driven... we share the love.... and the ambition... Still trying to figure out what it is that this life we have is in store for us... all we know is that we are going to have a blast trying to figure it out...

I have so much to do to grow--- to become better... to tweak....

Am I the person I've always wanted to be? I am not sure about that.. Some days I'd say yes and others I'd say no...

In the end, it's just to make you proud, Daddy:) What if i have lived my entire life just to make that man proud? What if every choice I have ever made was just to make him tell me how great of a job I am doing??? Am I the only one on this planet that sees how much of an amazing man my father is? How hard working, how positive, how motivated, how.. "if there is a will, there is a man named Bill" he is???? How "you are the sum total of all choices you have ever made in lifE" he is... How " Words mean things, Gloria" he is??? am i the only one that thinks this man can just about walk on water????

not sure-- but if that's what it takes me to succeed in life.. I just hope I don't let him down... I want to live out his legacy... I want to teach some little child of mine some day the importance of "you are only as old as you feel" or "excuses are for those who make them" or "success is getting up one more time then you get down".. HOLY CRAP i guess i didnt realize how many saying i knew of his.. I could go on an on.. and the end of the day..

this is me. this is the path of life I have chosen. and this is the path of life I am going to run down.. weather it takes me 32:33 or not..... :)

in closing...

Brown Chicken- brown cow. Sgt Gilligan

The boys of the past.

never replacing the old.

on thursday i will board a plane and head to MOS school for the Marine Corps... again... but this time i am not a PVT. I am nervous and full of excitement to find out what is to come, and to be apart of something I love so much, again... I can't help but compare it to what I already know.. but it's not going to be the same.. fb is annoying when you don't want to run down memory lane.. but you find yourself flashing thru album after album, reliving your old moments in time..

I find myself on the Marine Corps ball of 2007... all of my friends.. all together... having a blast.. we are all LCpl's and some have already made it to Cpl.... so young.. not that we are old now.. but we are for sure not 21 anymore... it's hard to grasp that 6 years have already come and gone...

6 years is kind of a long time when you have only been an adult for 8.

I went to the Marine Corps ball this last year with someone I just met because he needed a date... (friends of friends)... I remember looking around (this was also before I decided to reup)... but I looked around and saw 300 Marines that I had never met before.. granted, we all do the same thing at the Ball.. sit around.. all done up in our best dress, eat slightly cold dinner, watch the Comm of the Corps give a speech (which is always found to have the audio mess up along the way)... followed by excessive drinking, black outs, dancing, and some of us puking.. But i realized that I don't know anyone.. and that the Corps will never be the same for me...

Headed to school in 5 days.. I must remember that this is not to relive the past, nor is it to duplicate my old life.... this is a new beginning and I can't be let down if it doesn't fulfill my nostalgia. If anything this is a chance to be the Marine I always wanted to be..

starting new things in 2012...

I started my Bachelor of Science in Culinary Arts last Monday.. a lot of homework, but i am excited to be learning new things...

and SUPER pumped to make dinner for my roommates and have them tell me how much they love it or what they can do to change it :)...

I also bought a leather journal.. i'll be channeling a lot of my thoughts there...

until my thoughts get too much -Gilligan

little bit of this.. little bit of that....

so- was going to write a blog on having children an why i am just not there.. then i found it directionless an boring. searching for a top to speak about... something that will bring insightful laughter an relatable memories.. but nope.. no motivation. I am sitting here with a clay masque on my face, hot rollers in my hair, Crest bleach strips on my teeth, an contemplating repainting the three nails that i smudged yesterday... chores must be done... laundry always to be washed an folded, an all the while Family Guy is distracting me.

July 19th I head to NC for training in the Marine Corps. I'm stoked. Stoked to feel like a belong again-- to train an lead Marines... I'm stoked to be miserable and fall out of formation runs... even tho I just ran a 1/2 marathon.. i sure as hell have a hard time doing any type of distance... in a timely manner.

my dad's brewery, Boatyard Brewing Co. is really taking off.. So happy for him.. just goes to show that you are not too old to start your dream. Too many of us find reasons to not pursue happiness, instead we stand by- comfortably miserable in life because routine is too hard to step off the beaten path...

what are my goals for when i turn 30.. 30 was a milestone, now I look at it as right around the corner.. my next bday will put me in my late 20's... I am not like other people.. i don't dread getting older.. I actually lie sometimes and tell people I am older then I am now.. just so they may take me more seriously. I am a screw off, clown, always looking' for a laugh.. but those people.. those kinds of people aren't ever taken seriously.. so .. maybe they will take a 29 y/o seriously.. haha .. But I have these goals in life. an I hope that where I plan to be at 30 really is where I will be... .. ya know.. i got nothing.... Cheers.

Gilligan

the '59 sound

race day is a meer 30days away... so far the furthest I have ran is about 6.5 miles.. hahah.. an I am totally fine with that.. I am 1/2 way thru my Insanity cross fit training and my husband tells me I am really starting to tone up.. I feel that this is the best shape I have ever been in.. an some of you may think-- well what about after bootcamp.. well LET ME TELL YOU... after boot camp.. I was one tubby bunny! I didn't PT nearly enough compared to the 3 meals a day they make you eat... My Munky an I are renting a car and headed to San Diego for a week.. really excited... My Rectr I THINK has my paper work submitted.. every time I turn around he tells me it's sent thru--- then he's all.. there are some documents we need to fix.. please go to FedEx an spend 20 $ on faxing me 3 papers with a signature.. an this rate, will you just forge my sig, Gunny?? really... this is getting tiresome.. just get me back int he Corps before I remember who EFFING annoying it is to get shit taking care of.. Because you are doing a pretty good job of reminding me of this... I write him emails about once a day.. he responds once a week. I hope I am not irritating him, but on the same note-- this is my damn life. And not to sound like a snob.. I get what I want.. an I mean that as.. I want to go back in the Marine Corps as a reservist.. an I will harass you until it goes through... I will be incharge of seeing to it that it gets done... I get what I want by following up... AND YOU AREN'T DOING A GOOD JOB STAYING ON TASK, GYSGT!

anyhow... IRS sent us a notice saying my tax return was incorrect an we are only getting 25$ back... :(.... then 2 days later another notice saying "we have garnished you 25$ an put it towards the 500$ Daniel hows from 2008 taxes.... :( double meh.. good thing H&R block rocks.. and they are handling everything because the IRS messed up.. so everything will be fine... and I can put that money towards fixing our Jeep that got a hit n run on Sunday. triple meh... :(.. hahahahahahaha it's okay.. that's why we have insurance and savings! I got my official "Congrats" letter from the Art Institute of Seattle for their Culinary program! YAY! So... that starts when i get back from MOS School from june to july for 30 days.. that is.. IF I GET MY BUTT BACK IN THE CORPS! hahah so it'll be a busy month!

LYNNIE'S WEDDING IS IN 2 WEEKENDS!! gahhh!!! how did this time go by so fast! Very excited for her! She has done a GREAT job planning an organizing this! Can't wait for all the festivities to start! and the bachelorette party is at a casino north of here.. zoo excited an happy that Emery is such a BA bff.. an on top of things..I could never do the MOH duties like she has! *pats her on the back..! Good job sweet pea! Ok.. I smell really bad... I need to shower .. Insanity really kicked my tubby bunny butt today!! Until we speak again... your one and only....

Gilligan.

when the toilet seat breaks... it's time to drop a few....

tomorrow is my birthday party.. it'll be Gilligan's Island themed.. only appropriate that I dress up as Gilligan.. I am Gilligan after all.. married or not.. my name precedes me.. an I can't do anything about it.. This will be my 2nd Gilligan's Island birthday party... Keesh Feesh threw me one for my 22nd when we were in the Corps.. it was amazing... Do you remember those days... man.. those days were awesome... Listening to the Misfits tonight... an i HAVENT had anything to drink... I'm real excited about tomorrow.. i will be making a flip flop birthday cake for myself n Alica Pusey.. pretty stoked about this... Im sure I had something insightful to say but it has escaped me.

who knew Katy Perry was so rad?

Goals Goals Goals.... It came to mind recently that the only reason I do things is to stay busy.. this may be true.. but if feels great to set goals... Especially when I accomplish them... Today, danny and i ran 5.2 miles... it was a slow run with a few sprints thrown in there.. but if felt great.. and made the idea of 13 miles seem less of an obstacle.

The season is changing, and the sun has been out more.. i think it's what is making me miss North Carolina ... who ever thought i'd actually miss that place.. but I really do.. I more so miss the car rides with Keesh Feesh singing cadence... sitting outside the barracks, smoking a cigg with Kayla at 7 am on a saturday morning-- realizing it was the 1st time I had seen a saturday morning in a looonngg time.. I miss coming home to a building filled with friends... the 3rd deck that was door to door of people I knew.. Broz living down the cat walk.. Mikey's room right there.... Bott begin my head mate... Sanford n Scott an our trip to Knoxville-- where it looked like a 5 year old was living in the back seat... Living with scott n Keesh.. an our parties.. and the night someone ate the head of the Habu Sake snake?? haha who did that?? our neighbor?? Miss the night we found out i ruined my key board... keesh an i got pulled over for pealing out in my eclipse at the beach trying to show off.. hahaha i miss my little convertible.. driving the strip of road down to Jville.. that same strip that I once sat in MCT staring out the window wondering if I was every going to be getting out of training... I miss when we all lived in the barracks... Whitfield, Lew, Grieder, Cruz Meowser....

When danny 1st moved in with me... an it was summer days an we'd run the railroad tracks behind our apartment... its so sunny there.. thats all i remember it as... sunny... and beautiful....

I know all chapters have to come to an end.. but isn't it the chance of season that makes you reflect on all the changes of life?... it's such a bitter sweet thought....

we've come so far... and i can't wait to find out what's next... but for right now.. I love where I came from.. that Katy Perry song.. "part of me" reminded me of all of this... the music vid ( if you haven't seen it) she breaks up with her cheating bf an joins the Corps... oh man... didn't we all run away from something....??/

I am done with school now... an have all this free time.. i am geeked....

gotta shower now... an head to another amazing day at the barbershop :) I love everything.

control. manipulation. stress. Life.

I understand that there are parts of us that we are inclined to control the situation around us. Woman meet men, they fall in love.. and then over time (or right off the bat) the woman takes on the roll of controlling all aspects of his life, their marriage, etc..

Why is this? It is the motherly intuition that takes over to makes sure everything thing is in working order, but when you are young, in life an in a relationship/marriage you don't know where to draw the line or you don't know what you just CAN'T be in control of??

Luckily, I am here to tell you.. if you are new in a marriage.. you eventually start to relax.. Now, I am not saying you don't stop trying to control every part of your husbands life--- but I can tell that I SLOOOWWWLYYYY am able to just stop trying to add my two cents, to EVERYTHING... it is an everyday battle.. an frankly, its flipping annoying... Men are big boys.. they don't need to be looked after like we think they do... Now, I also believe that men secretly do love it-- whether or not they will admit to it.. for the most part I could generalize an say- They are looking of that motherly replacement to be taken care of. I can see that they like their laundry done, their room cleaned, their lunch made.. (dear Lord, I do not to these things at ALL on a regular basis) but I can for sure see that it is enjoyed...

but, there are limits.. you just can't be in control of EVERYTHING... stop forgetting that they have their own lives.. that they want to do as they please, and that they need to feel in charge.. you can't have two chiefs all the time.. after awhile, you both find your place where one person knows what they are in charge of, and the other knows their place of dominating...

this is what I am working on. If I feel this everlasting desire to be in control of EVERYTHING.. which I think is just an excuse to have a reason to be pissy 1/2 the time.... then I should be able to manipulate that desire into more constructive behavior rather then destructing me marriage.

PT

Physical Training. It may very well be the only thing that I can be in complete control over.. and it's healthy... All the stress of my life all of the subjects that I want to add my two cents to... PT is a way to relive that desire... I can control what goes in my mouth, how hard I push myself, my routine, my output, I see results... So... I am trying to control my own life.. In the end... why isn't that enough...? why are woman ( I am speaking for myself, BTW - so if you are a female and you don't have these issues... I don't mean to offend you-- I just see a pattern in a lot of friends of mine... an myself)... always trying to fix everything in everyone else's life when they can't just focus on perfecting their own. So- here is my advice in which I am currently following... I am on the longest work out routine I have ever been on--- excluding Marine Corps boot camp... that was against my will HAHAHA... but for a little over a month now, I have been eating BETTER.. (not perfect, but better) I am working out 3-5 days a week.. and SLOWLY seeing results... I am trying to focus this need to be in control over everything... an pushing it towards personal best... if I have to be in control-- why not make it of myself.... Grow. Build. Strive. Succeed. control yourself before you get bent out of shape because your man can't read your mind of craziness an may have let you down.. on something retarded... that you made up as a reason to just be mad...

do you ever notice that... ? sometimes we just need to cause ripples? if its too smooth, we subconsciously find a reason to stir up nonsense...???

take that rage... that frustration... that desire to control EVERYTHING.. an manipulate it... burn it off... build yourself... reach your goals... Stay on track.. your man is a full grown adult.. and together you can build a beautiful, lasting relationship... just get over the fact that you don't need to regulate everything in his life... Remember, he was a person before you met him.. an he had things he loved to do... an you loved him for it.. ;o)... don't forget that... with that being said.... I love my husband, and every damn thing he was before I met the man.... and that's what I want to hang on to.. I don't wanna change him.. I want to look at him in 40 years and see that 22 year old that 1st blew my socks off!

i hope this helps some of you.. I know I have had conversations with some of my gf's an we all look blankly at each other wondering... WHY DO WE DO THIS...

o yeah, an pray on it.. It's amazing what the Lord knows you are capable of :o)

this dark cloud of truth...its kinda depressing...

I've noticed a trend in my blogs. It's mainly due to the fact that when I have this mild feeling of deep thought or depression, I find the need to share it with everyone... I'd like to add that this is not the way I am 24/7.. it's just something I have on my mind and have the desire to share.. as if it's a way to clear my thoughts, a way of healing... or maybe some of you may be experiencing the same things in life.. I am also noticing a cycle... call it PMS.. maybe that's just a good excuse for it... but about once a month for about a week I have a dark cloud of insecurities looming over myself... Altho I am happy.. I still feel it's there.. maybe its the feeders... (mom knows what I am talking about.. as if I am Nes Freemark... an the feeders are hiding out in my shadows of darkness waiting for the moment of weakness to really go to work...)... I had a big slap in the face of reality recently... Where I thought of myself in one light, and was told that it wasn't at all how I had perceived.. It's quite shocking... it's more so shocking because I was deliberately making an effort to avoid these circumstances, and then I was made aware that it was exactly the opposite of what I was trying to do... Now, this was a wonderful thing.. Dad always says, "words mean things" and that is exactly true... The things you say or do... other people may not take them the way you intend... seems like a 'no brainer' but really.... it happens.... thankfully I have people in my life that love me enough and have the balls to say, "listen Glo, this is how it is.. an this is what you're doing.." otherwise.. what... we walk thru our lives in our little bubbles of how we perceive the rest of the world sees us... especially if you are working on your own personality... we are a product of our surroundings.. an i see youth as an excuse to act like an ass.. it is the time in your life to find the way, learn from mistakes, seek new experiences and grow as an individual.. but as you get older.. you have nothing to hide behind... Ignorance is no excuse.. I think.. in my own little world.. that a person should seek to be the best person possible... seek self improvement... are you a good friend? are you a good listener? do you follow thru with tasks? can you be relied upon? these are some values that mean something in my life.. that I forever am thinking about.. because this is the type of person i love.. an therefor this is the type of person i want to become... so when you are told,... that you're really not that way... it sucks to hear... but its exactly what you need to hear.. maybe its just that time of month-- so everything seems so amplified... does this make me full of myself, that I am always focused on my image?? well.. what if it is to always be focused on improving my image? trying to be a better person to other people... should i just, "get over myself"??? but humility... an becoming humble is something where you have to focus on yourself... so you can grow... your 20's i think is a time to exp life... grow.. an work on success... i was talking to my husband last night about some people I have considered friends of mine.. an how i have noticed that when i get done talking to these people.. i feel worse then before... that they just aren't nice people.. they aren't people I wont in my life.. now, he said... "make sure you aren't forming these ideas off of one conversation with these people.. maybe they were having a bad day.." well... i guess he's right.. but then when i think about the years i have known them.. they have always been an ass.. maybe i was just an ass too an didn't notice.. and then it occurred to me.. Danny, you don't make people feel bad... you don't pick on them, belittle them, ridicule them.. I bet I could ask every single person my husband has EVER met before.. and not one person would be able to recall a time that Danny wasn't nice, loving, humble, considerate, or just plain bad ass... now .. THAT is a person we should all be like.. that is someone that won't bring you down... Can people say that about you?? How are you impacting people's lives.. In this instance... i don't need to "get over myself.." these are values I need to focus on.. an I'm sorry if that means i have to think about myself all the time.. but if i am not evaluating and considering how i effect other people.. then I can't be the best person to others as I want to be... So.. with all this being said... I just want to curl up an pray... i want to be alone and have time to ask for guidance... ask to be the best person God made me... i know it doesn't happen over night.. but maybe the more I beat myself up about it.. the more likely it is to all sink in... also--- INTERRUPTING PEOPLE!!!! HOLY SHIT am I the WORSE offender of it... it kills me that I can't sit an listen to someone long enough with out thinking what ever the hell i am saying is SOOOO much more important that I have to interrupt them... so... that's my focus...

baby steps people... baby steps... how do you eat an elephant.. ? One bite at a time..

Seattle has been hit with some major snow this last week... in some areas it was historical amounts.... What I find absolutely adorable is that no matter the age of an individual... the snow always brings the child out... I was driving thru my neighborhood and I saw what looked like grandparents out with their grandchildren... and the smile on the grandpa's face as you held the sled in his hand cheering on his grandkids was pretty priceless... Maybe it's just cause we dont get a lot of snow here, but it did give me a nice laugh... I also love that everybody comes out of the woodwork... I didnt know we had so many kids in the surrounding area.. and they were ALL at the park.. sliding down the smallest snow covered hill till the white was muddy... Today when we woke up, the warm air had come in over night and melted all the snow away.. it was good while we had it.. this past week made me feel like I was back home again.. only instead of Maple trees an Pines covered in snow, there are Evergreens... I'm still on the search of what I want to do.. there is a slight worry in the back of my mind that I will be going to school forever because I just wont be able to decide...

always starving for more.

Have we chosen the path of life in which we were meant for? How do we know this is what will make us happy? Could I have been happier choosing something else? I often find myself doing something I enjoy; like today for example... I sauteed some mushrooms, onions, cherry tomatoes and garlic together, and thru them on a toasted wheat wrap, where I cut up some grilled chicken and wilted spinach leaves, an had a spicy mustard dressing.. it tasted amazing, and I was entirely pleased with the choice of spices I had made.. While making Lynnie and me dinner I thought, " should I had gone to culinary school instead of cosmetology school?" which brings me to my next question.. is it too late? I wish I could have packed up an moved to some mountain an worked the lifts all winter an just done the "snow bum" thing.. saved my money, bought fewer items that tie me down, and travel more... should I had stayed in? always questions on my mind.. but isnt it on everyones? is that something that will always be? do we ever reach a period of time where we are okay with the path we chose? I feel like I will do something big someday! I'm going to achieve something GREAT!... my thoughts and goals are always dreaming of something better... is it just foolish talk? because... i am after all... just a dreamer..... I dream all day... all night... in the morning when my phone vibrates as the morning emails start to fill my junk box.. i lay with my eyes half open, not quite fully awake... but awake enough to day dream about the adventures and excitement I long for... shampooing my hair, when i get a client that isn't very talkative... driving home in my car w/o a stereo... an as I lay in bed at night slowly drifting off as I listen to the breath of my sleeping husband beside me.... I'm always dreaming... I pick a topic.. lets say its this idea of a café I have... i start with the items on my menu.. how much i would charge... i think about my favorite snakes or sandwiches, maybe a healthy cafe? maybe comfort foods... what would I paint the walls? i want a warm, welcoming feeling, maybe deep burgundy... internet access? leather couches? maybe a room to have a large screen TV so people can come in an pick a movie to watch?? I dream every moment I am not engaged in an active conversation, or occupied by time consuming nonsense (i.e. fb) Do we forever feel like there is something else out there for us? Is curiosity always consuming our thoughts? Will there every be a time that I look at my life an say I have made the right choices, and I am happy where I am? Or will I always starve for growth? Isn't it growth that keeps up alive, and productive? Instead of feeling like I am not doing enough, should i just recognize yearning for more is what will forever keep me in a forward perpetual motion and that its a good way of life? But would that be satisfying? or would I feel like I didnt amount to enough...