to be a drunk.

Man... some days are better than others- I guess I am just waiting for my life to start again.... so I can stop sulking in my past. I think that if I could be a drunk or a drug addict.. I'd really enjoy being able to take the easy way out of forgetting the mistakes I have made.... But instead--- I don't really like drugs, and I hate hang overs... so looks like I am stuck. dealing with shit like a regular adult.

there has been many times that I have wanted to sit down and write a blog in the last 10 mths... but every time I site down to write something.. I felt that the "airing your dirt laundry" kicked in and I didn't want to complain. So many things have happened in the last 10 mths, so many obstacles so many emotions, feelings, hormones... you name it.. i felt it.. and it just didn't seem right to write about it ... do you know what i mean? like, i was feeling such angst, sorrow, pain and hurt that i didn't want to come off sounding like i was just airing my dirt laundry for the world to hear... I guess now that it is all said and done, it is okay to write about. In the last 10 mths... I have activated in the United States Marine Corps.. I moved to North Carolina to do me "work up" to head to Afghanistan.. my divorce was processing.. I deployed to Afghanistan.. I worked in the most stressful job I have imagined.. my job wasn't too stressful, but the enviornment I was working it was killing me... the divorce was final on my birthday.. which was terrible.. for the rest of my life.. what a great reminder that I fail in life.. I failed at something I commited to.. and itfailed because of the selfish choices i made which lead to adultery.. Ruining the greatest thing that came into my life..

I just didn't feel the need to express all of my feelings ... I didn't want to bring anyone down, and I didn't want to put it all out there...

but I guess now that it is all said and done.. its okay to express... ... altho.. I don't have a lot to say right now.. inspiration comes and goes.. and I had a moment where I wanted to share something.. but now the time has passed.. So... I don't really know what I want to talk about...

I am back "home" now.. staying with my best friend Lynnie.. her husband and her beautiful baby... It's calm and easy going.. my rage, sadness, happiness, content and bliss all comes in waves... a lot of things remind me of a life from the past, and many things carry on so fast that I forget where I am... Moving forward is the only sense of relief I have from the life that was before.. but every once in a while-- it all creeps up.. and like a slap in the face.. reality sets in.. and I am saddened by time... I guess this is all for now...maybe I will feel inspired later.. but for now.. this is all.. xoxoxo

Headed To Afghan

I have very bad anxiety today… I am not sure what it is… Maybe it's because I can't stop thinking about Danny. Which, it turn.. makes me feel bad… because i end up talking to him.. and digging up all the memories, thoughts, and loneliness… I should just stay strong and keep burying it deep inside.. he doesn't need to hear it. just like I don't need to sit here and cry all day….

I need to get out of this country.. so i can leave everything behind… and maybe just become a memory to him… hopefully one that he thinks only of the good…

Oh Man… so many thoughts… for starters… I'M CRAZY..

There is so much going on lately… and so many mixed emotions… I'm having a hard time dealing with all of… that stuff… for those who know-- you know. It's been on my mind constantly.. I am pretty good at pushing it aside, and ignoring the feelings that overwhelm me, but lately it's been constant. I keep having flashes of memories, smiles, watching him bouncing thru the house saying, "babbles, babbles, babbles, babbles…" and jumping on me.. and at moments in my life like that, i am not strong enough to push those thoughts under the rug, and the pressure is building. I know the end is coming soon--- and it's the reality that is tearing me apart. What will happen, must happen… but going thru the motions isn't working. and the realization is all coming down on my chest… I find my self in waves… I'm sad.. I'm angry.. IM FKN FURIOUS.. i feel resentful, ashamed, lonely, depressed… disbelief is probably the strongest emotion I feel… just… disbelief.. I can't believe that everything is happening, and what has happened… im also angry… Im so angry… I'm dwelling on conversations and events…. I'm so angry… I find myself hating… filling with rage… I failed. I failed at something that was so precious… out of my own selfishness… I guess all I can do is say that we live.. and we learn..I don't ever want to repeat the same mistakes that I made.. to hurt someone so much that I loved and cared about out of my own issues.

a lot is changing in life.. and i just want to close the book on my past life and never look back. I know that that's not what I actually want.. but it seems like the easier road… w/o pain.. and loneliness

we are out of here in about 2 weeks.. I will post my address for you all .. i am looking forward to running away from this life… right now it seems unbearable… and I'm more angry at myself then anything else…. angry and lost….

goals.goals.goals....

lately it seems i have really great ideas for a blog... and the moment i sit down... BOOM... everything escapes me! i think what i wanted to write about were my goals... as this deployment is quickly approaching, i can't help but contemplate what i want to accomplish while i am away. i had my initial counseling the other day with my SSgt, and he didn't really have anything to correct me on, but asked me what my short term goals are for this deployment--- and essentially it's just Marine Corps related... i want to get at least my brown belt in MCMAP (Marine Corps Martial Arts Program) ... i want to get my run time down.. and i'd like to start and finish my meritorious SSgt package and submit it to my unit in Seattle...

but I want to figure out some other life goals... so, this will be on my mind... what would i like to do with my life... where do i want to be... where will i go when i come home from afghan??? so many thoughts that I need to find the time to sit down and think about! ta tas for now xoxo glo

My Weeping Willow...

I have made these choices myself. Self inflicted heart-ache and pain. I know that this is what needs to happen, and I know that this is only the beginning.

Isn't it amazing how awful experiences can be, even when you are aware when they are happening? You can't even prepare yourself from your own prior knowledge.. You know the limb will break as you jump for your life the weight of your body bends until the little fibers can't hold up all 122lbs of you...but you jump anyways.. you know you are 100 feet from concrete, and it will hurt unlike any previous time in your life, but you fall anyway... you know you have to land softly and roll, otherwise you'll break your legs... But just as stubborn as a child you plummet to the solid concrete, stiff legged an all- shattering every bone in your body.. and you sat there, the whole time.. warning yourself of the pain the next step will cause... and you did it anyway...

Sometimes in life, we have to climb that Weeping Willow tree...( I picked a Weeping Willow, because it's the current feeling of my life).. it's such a sad looking tree... but so beautiful at the same time... The limbs are week an fragile, the twigs are delicate and frail... we climb an climb, hanging on for dear life, but the higher we go-- the harder it will be when we fall.. and I just took that step on the branch that was too weak...

and there my soul sits, at the very top, looking down as I fall with flailing arms..I wont die. I know there lay a thin sheet at the bottom, just before concrete -- to catch me... it comes in the form of Jesus.. an he never left.. he's just waiting for me to realize that he's there to catch me... I don't know how far I have climbed yet.. so I don't know when I'll stop falling.. but this is just the beginning... of my long journey down the Weeping Willow....

xoxoxo

glo

Whelp. Here we are.

I might as well start now. Some of you know, many many many of you do not. As of Aug 1st..I activate... I leave my home.. my family and my friends, and I start my long journey to Afghan.. I'll head to NC for about 4 mths- and from there head to the middle east... I will be deactivating my fb before I get in country.. I have zero interest in posting anything while I am over there, and exploiting my life ...

I know a lot of you know the path my life has been on in this last year.. and with a clean fresh start, I am taking this opportunity to cleanse. I will keep my blog, incase you are genuinely interested in what I am up to, I will have email-- but I don't want to be contacted via email...

gloria.sherer@gmail.com -- incase you wish.. otherwise, I am requesting hand written letters only... I'll post my address when i get there.. I have a long ways to go before I get there..

today i start packing up my life into many boxes and totes to be stored within a storage facility... I have about 4 days to do it... and as scatter brained as I am, I struggle to organize my thoughts and emotions long enough to get done what has to be done. My life has been pretty emotional in the last month.... the word "emotional" is a weak word to describe the magnitude of angst, stress, pain, and nausea I am actually experiencing. I think along this journey I have had my 1st anxiety attack. I can't tell if I need to vomit, or cry... maybe a little both.. maybe at the same time.. but instead.. when I know all I have to do is cry... for some reason i can't. I wont. I refuse to. I don't have time to be weak and sulk in the choices I have made... I will save that for another time.. maybe when i am alone in NC.. maybe when I am by myself and quiet in aghan. One of these days I will have to face the demons that lurk in the depths of the darkness.. the darkness that's trying to make me weak. I'm far too strong to give into such pathetic behavior... at least that's what I am talking myself into.

It's hard. everything is hard. I don't like being alone.

As I sat this afternoon in my garage, organizing boxes of my life... I ran across a tote filled with memories of my past. all my bootcamp letters/cards/pictures, along with a billion letters from gf's in high school. my cap an gown, journals from my childhood.. where i wrote Gloria Schuring over everything (hahah I love you, Danni!) letters even back to 8th grade band class, when Kim and I would pass notes in front of Mr. Hazen...

the letters that pull at my heart the most are from my father. There is no doubt in my mind that 90% of the choices I have made in my short life are in direct connection to making him proud. He wrote me so many in highschool, and so much encouragement thru bootcamp.. I pulled a few out and I intend on taking them on this deployment with me....

I really need to change up the music I am listening to lately... this is killing me... altho, the sappy shit is how I am feeling-- it doesn't help my motivation.. I have accomplished nothing today.. besides sitting alone in the garage, ready letters spread all over the floor, and crying.. Maybe that's all I needed.. i got my crying out of the way...

I am excited and I am scared. my life is going to be completely different when i get back... and as hard as it is too push that all aside and not dwell on it..it's still there.. tugging on the coat tails of my heart...

your heart is a funny thing.

There is so much that has to happen. and I waist my time--- sitting here ..... maybe I'll pack a little more.. maybe I'll just sit and stair at my Gizwiz... because I love her.. and she looks adorable with a collar n a bell :)... i think I am going to give her a bath tonight...she needs to smell like cherries,,, and then clip her nails...because I dont like how she claws me...

Also, found a journal entry from the day I walked into the rctr station the very 1st time. I'm proud of my insight... little did I know what I was actually getting myself into. I did mention that I had no idea know what I was getting into, nor what I would have to go thru.. but that God would never give me something I couldn't handle... whelp, looks like here is another one of those moments in my life...

I want to talk about something else... The Marine Corps... but I am very to sick of stressing about my feelings.. so I will save that for another rant. This is all I have on my mind....

Yut for now.. Rah rah and all that jazz...

xoxoxoxox

The Motivator ... (haha, that was my call sign :) AKA Sgt Sherer AKA Glo

My Time.

The time that I get to sit by myself and enjoy a cup of coffee (no milk, no sugar.. just black.. like i like my me... just kidding... I don't like my men that way.. haha)is some of the best moments of my day. Just moments before my husband wakes up and joins me with that smiling, boyish face that I love so much.. but for now.. these moments are mine.

Not a lot is different from the rest of my day-- it's just a little more special.

Lately, I have been fantasizing about my 1st home that I'll buy some day.. Never thought I'd dream of a white picket fence but it's totally there. Mulch, shrubbery, foliage, beautiful flowers. I want a fountain with a stream and fish.. (THAT RACCOONS WILL NOT EAT! .. Danny and I were talking about this the other day and he said, "well yeah, until the raccoons eat of your fish.." HHAHAHA.. i was like... NOOOO MY HYPOTHETICAL FISH JUST GOT EATEN!!)

but we are in work right now to see if we can get preapproved.. I'm excited to go house shopping and spending weekends at Lowe's... oh man.. talk about a hot date... home improvement stores are the hottest kind of date... a long way to go still.. but for now.. I am enjoying my coffee.. sitting on the couch... watching whatever i want to watch.. planning the events of my day.. what should i do? I want to go to the gym, have to go to best buy, have to go to the apple store, want to get my nails done.. have to remember to eat right.. my German teacher from high school and I are trying to kick start a clean eating routine.. i did pretty great yesterday.. until I had 2 glasses of wine and a cookie.. oh yeah.. and this awesome sauce that i made to dip my artichoke in :( whoops.. I really have to control those little splurges that i engulf myself in...

Yut for now. off to start my day.. 1st things 1st.. wake up my bayyyyboooozeeee... ;)

OH MAN! I LOST IT!

It's been a LONG time since I have written anything, and I was feeling motivated and inspired.. Then I opened up blogger.com and I lost it all. Maybe that's a sign. I shouldn't blog. BAH! I say... I do what I want.. actually, Whitfield use'd to say that.. I dont. I just say, "meh." I say Meh a lot.. it signifies this feeling of.. I don't really care.. But the truth is, I do care.. and the shrug of my shoulders, the slight exhale and the sound that leaves my mouth... like.. "meeeh" is just a mask for me actually caring... but not having the energy to put forth and do anything.

So. Meh. I am going to write anyway. is the concept of a personal, public blog- self centered? Who am I to assume that you all are just dying to know what I am thinking about.. or what I have been up to. I think I may right a book someday.. about my life.. now, that's the ultimate vain thought.. not only am I under the impression that you really are interested in my random ass thoughts, but NOW.. i am going to make you pay $21.95 to read my thoughts.. HAHAHA.... THIS is a great idea.

I have been nominated for a nice award in the Marine Corps.. there is a very tiny to slim to none chance of getting this.. and that's okay.. it'll be a good thought after its all said and done.. but the conversation boils down to.. is my vagina the only reason why I would be getting nominated? "Being fun and bubbly is getting me this nomination...." (someone said this to me recently...) and it pisses me off.. because there is truth to that. No, I do not think that that is the reason.. but it just goes to show that if I work really really hard in the Corps.. there will always be an underlying factor that I am a cute bubbly girl, which gives me attention, so i will get "special" privileges.. you can bitch an moan all you want about how, "WELL DON'T USE THAT TO YOUR ADVANTAGE!!!"... And i could yell back till i was blue in the face and say , " I'M NOT!! IM REALLY TRYING HARD TO BE OUTSTANDING, AND DO EVERYTHING THEY ASK OF ME, AND THEN SOME! I WANT TO TRAIN, AND LEAD, AND DEVELOP JUNIOR MARINES TO BE OUTSTANDING! I WANT TO TEACH THEM OUT TO LEAVE A LEGACY OF BRILLIANCE.. I WANT TO SHARE THE LOVE... the love that burns so deep through my veins.. the passion for this screwed up institution.. I want to do everything I can to do a good job!!!!" but at the end of the day.. treatment will be different... and no matter the black and white... fellow Marines will look at me for just those reasons, " oh, shes a cute girl... that's why she's got it..." well this is what i have to say to you... "very well."

I'm actually not going to get upset by it, because I would be a fool to think that that's not true. Just like God made man and woman different, I know that woman will be treated differently then men. The defining line is if you use it to your advantage or not... Do you use the power of the vagina to get what you want? And at the end of the day, when you lay your greasy little face on your filthy pillow.. smudged in too tan foundation and mascara marks... and you feel confident in the abilities of yourself that you are not taking advantage of the system.. that's all what matter.

on that note.. I feel like.... if I was a 300 PFTer.. and I could run 3 miles in 24 minutes.. I would have the key to success in the Marine Corps.. honestly.. in my mind, when i think if the Corps.. that's the tool to infinite success. I can do what you ask, I will ask if I can not do.. I will follow up if I don't understand, and I will seek continuous guidance and room for improvement, while trying to pass on what I've been taught to my juniors... but if I can't run.. then I have nothing. I feel like running right now. I might just do that.. right after i get done watching America's Cutest Kittens.. THE BEST PART OF MY SATURDAY MORNINGS! ... I often find myself home alone saturday mornings.. and this show is ALWAYS on.. makes me soooooo happy.. Okay.. for today.. I am going to get off the couch... put away my laundry.. maybe start another load.. work on my marketing presentation final.. finish an assignment that was due last night.. THAT I ALWAYS FORGET TO DO ON FRIDAY NIGHts! ... start an finish my homework in my retail buying class... maybe watch a little bit more of cutest kittens.. (oh man, it would be so rad if my little whore of a cat was pregnant right now! KITTENS IN MY HOME!!!)... and then maybe go for a little run, just for fun... I need to find that for a sticker of my car..I want it to say.. "Little PT... good for you... good for me...?"

Blogging... I missed you.... I may come back.... but for now.. I have to go pee.

Death Before Dishonor.

Sometimes I find myself feeling guilty as I am enjoying my life. Being in the military brings death a lot closer to home then if I would have just stayed in Kalamazoo. Drug overdose, drinking and driving and other self imposed choices that a person kills them self over is one thing. Yes, it's sad and tragic. But being apart of the United States Marine Corps and seeing the families hurt from the loss of their loved one... that's a different kind of pain. My husband has lost too many of his Marines. Phone calls from Marines out of the blue are almost never good. It kills me to watch people hurt over that. Recently, VMA-211 was attacked in Afghan. It took a few days for me to realize that one of the two Marines that were killed was someone I deployed with. Sgt Atwell and I weren't good friends. I couldn't tell you his 1st name, and I never spoke with him after we got off the MEU. We went out with groups of people, been drunk together and lived a few rooms away from each other. It's a small world, and it's a smaller Marine Corps with only about 160,000 of us. I am amazed of the odds when it comes to being effected by a fallen Marine. It's very sad that Atwell has given the ultimate sacrifice. It pains me that he was once here, and now he's not. For the 6 mths I knew him, never did I think that his life would be over in a matter of 4 years. Standing next to him in formation, I didn't look over and see a man who was going to be killed in combat in Afghan in 4 years, leaving his new bride to mourn his death. Like I said, Atwell and I weren't super close- just two Marines in the same unit for 6 mths. So it's not me that lost someone that pains me... it's the fact that his wife is with out him. His friends have lost him. His parents have to bury their son. With tears in my eyes, my chest is heavy. Shallow breaths take over in the middle of my haircuts as I think of the pain his family is going thru. The guilt I feel is from these thoughts. Like, how dare I enjoy my day.. when that woman sleeps alone at night. When she looks at the last email he sent her- excited to be coming home from war in a month. The last skype conversation they had... little did they know that everything was going to change.

My whole life I've had a very hard time excepting time. I remember at a very very young age crying and panicking that time next stops, and that moments in life are so brief... and then they are over... Older and older.. always changing, never being able to hang on to a moment because then its done. I am a very emotional person. I catch myself driving down the road and if for a moment my thoughts get away from me and I think about how unpredictable life is... I break down and cry... Someday the people we love the most may not be there. Everything in life comes to an end and there is nothing I can do about it. I have no idea how I am going to handle death when it approaches. The Marines that Danny has served with that has given the ultimate sacrifice are Marines I have never met before, and it hurts so much to hear the news... and think about how they were here once, and then they aren't. How devastated their family must feel. How much pain it causes and adjustments to not have them anymore. Seeing the memorials of fallen Marines on facebook makes me cry every time. I know it's something that we are all aware of when we enlist. It is a thought that crosses all of our minds when we head out for deployments. We know there is always a possibility. Let's face it, we are putting ourselves out there... it's a lot safer at home... But it's what the military does. And it's something that we have to "just accept"... I really want to go to Afghan.. I really want to give my time and support my Marines out there-- and be apart of it. But there is always that thought that we as Marines have to swallow. The "what ifs"...

I can't imagine what it would be like to lose someone you love in combat.

I some what feel guilty for having a good day, when I know that there are people out there that don't have that person anymore. I mourn for Sgt Bury, Sgt Wilson, Sgt Atwell and anyone else that can't kiss their family and tell them they love them. Men that I don't even know. I pray for their families. I know they all have their support groups and their methods of dealing with their loss.... but I pray for their strength and courage to go thru such a challenging part of life... ........ how does that happen??? how is it that you are here.. and then you aren't?... that the last time I saw you was the last time I'll ever see you again???? How do you handle that??? How do you get out of bed in the morning???? ........ RIP Marines. You are never forgotten.

*glo*

I dont think anyone really realizes how much it means to me when people call me "Glo" Glo is a name that my close friends and family have always called me... much like every Gloria out there... but when people are comfortable, they call me Glo... I like this... or people who don't even know my well... but call me Glo because my family does... this makes me happy too. At work, the gals call me Glo now.. i like that as well.. friends of my brother... who I hardly ever speak with call me Glo.. men my dad works with... call me Glo...

It warms my heart.. and I dont think anyone realizes it but me :)

We're just two lost souls..swimming in a fish bowl... year after year....

I dont believe in panic attacks.. and I dont believe in ADHD... I believe that we are all in control of our own feelings. It's amazing what a healthy life style and diet does to an individual...along with the right amount of sleep each night.. Now, with that being said... my extreme level of ADHD is pissing me off lately... as well as my sudden panic attacks. I don't know if either of them are what they actually are.. But I keep panicking lately.. I am stressing about up coming events in life and the change of scenery that will be happening.. It's true... we all have to grow up some day in our lives... but when it's good.. you don't want that to change.. you want to keep having and awesome life.. awesome time.. awesome friends.. I love my job, i love my family, my home.. my friends.. my moments in life when i find myself driving down the 405 gazing out into traffic.. thinking about how awesome everything is... i love having a really awesome moment in time and thinking.. this is going to be a memory later... someday I'll look back and reflect on this exact moment I am living and wish I were here.. and want to reply everything about it in my mind.. and here I am.. living it... but as time is ever changing.. that moment is gone...

the question of contentment has been on my mind lately.. will I ever be content...being content? I dont really believe in that either.. as much as i'd like to say yes there is a goal of mine.. i know me well enough to know that i like change... as scary as it is.. and as much as i long for the good times to last and last.. i know that when life is too much of the same.. i must stir things up... it sucks sometimes..but i guess thats what keeps things exciting. I'm sad to be tearing up everything I am comfortable with and jumbling it all around-- but isn't that what keeps us in a fwd perpetual motion?

anxiety has been building up.... maybe i just gotta go for a run...

It's time for a new leaf...

This last weekend was most likely one of the best in my life... and I'm here to tell you about it. As you all know I was in school for a month in July learning my new MOS for the Marine Corps. So this last weekend was the 1st reserve drill weekend I've had. Earlier in the week I was pointed in the direction to write this Sgt an email an let him know I'll be on deck the following weekend and I needed billeting for the room at the hotel.... He writes back and says, "Just show up in Alphas and we will go from there." Well this is irritating because I have a lot of question, and that doesn't answer anything. So I write him back. "Roger that Sgt, I already checked in to the unit when I got back from MOS school, do I still need to be in my Alphas? I know the company is going to the range this weekend, should I be prepared for that or have to bring anything? There may be CFT (combat fitness tests) to make up, should I be prepared to do that as well? Let me know asap so I can plan accordingly." So, the Sgt doesn't write me back and I can't get ahold of anyone.. So I Thursday morning I leave my house at 0445 to get to base by 0600. Im standing there in my dress uniform and the Marine I checked in after MOS school walks up to me and says, "Sgt, why are you in Alphas? You already checked in?" GAHHHHHHH!!!! **&^(^(#$(%ADFA*!! WHY DOES COMMUNICATION SUCK SO MUCH IN THE CORPS?!?!?!... So the Cpl tells me to go put on my cammies... "Aye, Cpl" lol...I change over and get introduced to the company GySgt.. he tells me that I will be attached to H&S Co. but doesn't know the details just yet.. Oh,okay.. roger that.. and tells me to go to supply and get my stuff I'm headed to the range this weekend .. ok! awesome! So i go an get my rifle.. and head to supply.. "Hey Sgt, sorry.. but we dont have anymore gear.." ... what do you mean???? "Um, well we dont have anything really left... what would you like?" ... "Well... do you have a sleep system?" .. "No".. well.. tell me what you do have?? Do you have a fleece, gator, gloves, polypro, and gortex?" Check... gimme that shit.. do you have a day pack I can put this in? "No. "... well screw you too then supply... OMgoodness... I just remembered that Danny and I camped out last weekend and all of our supplies are in the jeep still! THANK YOU!!!... I also was smart enough to have brought my pack that I bought that is authorized in cammies.. so, I pack my stuff up to hurry up an wait...

1st night.. trying to figure out all my stuff.. and where i belong.. reserves are a little different.. no structure right off the bat... that, or people were all lost bcuz of the range? i dunno.. but either way i spent the 1st day asking "WHO IS MY STAFF NCO?!?!?" That night- we have a Sgt's brief and I pull Gunny aside and ask, "Gunnery Sgt.. will you please inform me as to what I am doing here? Where I should be? And what my duties are? This is killing me, wandering around like a lost puppy..." So he tells me he's assigning me to H&S Co, Headquarters PLT Sgt.. awesome.. I've heard nothing but turrrrible things about this...but that's fitting.. I always have been the gold medal finalist a the special olympics.. That night I held formation with my new plt to introduce myself to them... as I barked "Plt, FALL IN"... their eyes perked open like that hadn't heard that in a minute.. I watch them slum along kind of dragging as to the POA (position of attention).. nasty... maybe it's because i have been out for a few years.. but oh man.. nasty... i say..

"Good Evening Marines, my name is Sgt Gilligan and I am your new Plt Sgt. I wanted to introduce myself to you and let you know a little bit about me and my beliefs.. 1st an foremost.. This is the United States Marine Corps, and even though you only cut your nasty hair one day a month, and get the privilege to put this uniform on two days a month, you will not forget that you are part of an elite group of people that get to call themselves Marines. I love the Marine Corps, and I am pumped to be here! I'm excited to be your Plt Sgt and I am excited to make you love the Corps as much as I do.. This shit seeps thru my pours... and I hope you get infected. Rank structure is crucial. Everything we do in the Marine Corps has a bigger picture to it.. and something as little as addressing your senior Marines by rank and name is the 1st step.. You will stand at parade rest when speaking to an NCO when you are not an NCO.. because I will do the same damn thing when Gunny comes rolling up to talk to me. " blah blah blah.. something along those lines.. The weekend went great and I was pumped and motivated.. I worked the pits on the little end all weekend on the radio.. running up an down and having a great time.. Terrified about qualing... It had been 4 years since I touched a rifle... well I did a great job.. and i feel like it was legit.. like.. i didnt get the hook ups from the pit.. I took well aimed shots.. and when I knew I hadnt taken my time.. it showed.. over all i shot a 233, Expert.. the highest inthe CO was 243 i think.. so not too shabby.. there were def things I could had done to geta higher score, but I was happy with it.. Back from the field on Sunday my XO (boot Lt.) pulls me aside to give me an initial counseling.. after asking me a bunch of questions about my life and where I came from she says, "Sgt, I am really excited you are here. I noticed you the minute you got on deck with your rush of enthusiasm and excitement. I love what you've done with your plt already and how motivated you are, watching you with your Marines makes me wish I was a Sgt, you motivate the hell out of me" blah blah blah... I was so excited! I was so nervous this weekend, coming in.. not knowing what it would be like.. and getting positive feedback made me as smitten as a kitten... Then after we secured.. my Company Gunny shot me a text message that said "out standing job this weekend, Sgt Gilligan.. you really came in at full speed.." or something like that... so it meant a lot to me.. and I feel confident and excited... life seems amazing right now.. and I am so happy to be back in the Marines.. and leading.. better yet.. getting the opportunity to lead... I never really got this chance when I was in... maybe a little.. but ya know.. I was always Gilligan.. i always felt like.... i dunno... I wont go into details here.. but I didn't ever feel like a good Marine.. my 1st couple of years was spent drunk and erasing the memories from the night before... never put in a position of authority till the very end.. and I really can't blame them.. I was too busy trying to be the funny guy for all the Marines.. I feel like I get a 2nd chance now. and I like how it's starting off.. its a new leaf for me... leaving Gilligan behind and rushing in as Sgt Sherer... This is my time to shine... and to do what I long to do... Lead Marines.... Hope I do a good job...

But Ill always be me... that wont ever change....

no matter how hard I try.. there will always be Dan Gilligan's genes inside, just dying to make people laugh... Thnx Dad! hahah

a little PT... just for you... just for me.....

*grumble grumble grumble* I went for a run this morning.... I know I am not the fastest runner.. but i felt great.. and I was running a 27-28 min PFT... THAT'S almost 6 minutes off my runtime! GAHHHH!!!! I am so embarrassed that I started MOS school off on such a bad foot :( I knew I could do better then that! Does humidity really screw you over like that?!?!?! I didn't realize that! I have my CFT in a few weeks-- i'm pretty confident it will be just fine... I guess rifle range is the same weekend.. This will be pretty exciting!

My cat doesn't let me sit on my computer.. she's such an attention whore like her mother... she must walk all over me and thru her head under my hands .. DEMANDING i pet her.. stop what I am doing... and show her love.. AND THEN... she RUNS thru the house like a mad woman! i know none of us in the house are drug users, but i wonder if she finds 8balls of crack somewhere....

Gilligan

i want to kiss you, but i want it too much, i want to taste you.. but your lips are venomous poison.....

back to the grind...

Jumping in with both feet i feel energized, confident, determined, and motivated! my music runs thru my veins, rushes my blood and its making me feel like I'm a million dollars... pulling motivation from my peers keeps the ultimate goal in full focus.. the only thing i have to really concentrate on is keeping my eye on the prize... This summer has brought lots of changes... I just spent 30 days back in the Corps... even though it was just student status- it was just what I needed to get a grasp of what I want... I just registered for fall qtr.. i am a little nervous of how busy I will be.. but i know that in the end.. it will all be worth it.. from 0630- to 2100 just about every day except sundays i will be in school then work.. if it's worth having in life, it's worth working your ass off for... some day I know I will look back on my life when i am an old woman and i will smile... i'll smile because i know i gave it my all. there are times when we fall off track- i think that's natural.. but the difference is when you recognize it, grab life by the horns and control your situation.. I say all the time and i'll say it again... from the great words of my father, "you are the sum total of all decisions you have made in life..." you don't sit around pouting because of your situation. YOU put yourself there.. YOU are responsible.. AND ONLY YOU... can change it.. so take a big gulp of suck it the @#$^ up and do something about it. I choose to be a product of my choices, not the other way around.

I don't really know what it is- but I feel like a ray of sunshine and energy.

I am so proud of the people in my life as well. Friends are coming out of the wood work to ask you about my father's brewing company.. and I can't help but get all bubbly and giddy inside for him and his best friend for doing just that.. taking life in the hands and pursing a goal in which they have both desired. I am confident that their choices in life have impacted others and help motivate people that may not even know in life. I am in Seattle, Washington and I have had clients in my chair tell ME about my dad's brewery in Kalamazoo, Michigan. my hats off to you daddy.. you have always been my cheer leader in life, always backed me up.. and always grounded me when i got too high... you are my saving grace, and I am forever indebted to your love and support.. you will always have mine...

i can't tell you what the future holds for me.. but i know it's going to be great... and on that note.. i'd like to address my husband...

Danny may very well be the most amazing man I have met in my life... ( i never met my father, i always knew him :) -- ) His love and support, and undying devotion and love centers me... He's encouraging and trusting even when i know he is leery... He is always there to make sure I have an open mind.. and makes me see the other side of the coin in all circumstances.. even when i don't want to hear it. I spend lots of my time day dreaming about him, how we met, moments in our relationship, the excitement, the uncertainty, the exhilaration and the copious amounts of impulse choices we have made together...from getting married in 12 hours.. to moving to a tropical island in which neither of us have ever been to, nor did we know anyone.. there isn't a person on this planet that I would ever want to get lost with, take uncharted adventures... or live out my days with... I'm more blessed then I deserve to be... He is my rock. My focus.. my love... and without him... well- i'd still be me.. and i'd still be independent, focused and driven... but with him..life is a lot less hectic and lonely...

I'm sweaty, smelling, sore, and the 6 mile run i just did with a break at the gym 1/2 way thru -- really makes me want to shower. Cheers for now. -Gilligan.

didn't have to stooooooooop so low

My time here has come to an end already.. most likely the fastest month of my life has come and gone... Getting back into it has been awesome! not going to lie... it's really hard knowing im not active... I want this life again... it fills an emptiness of wandering hopes... Itll be okay tho-- because the life I have made for myself blows MC life out of the water.. sometime I wanna save my cake and eat it too... I guess I am doing that with the reservist part.... Just sad to hear about everyones orders and where they will be going and giving them advice about the "fleet".... Thank you, Camp Johnson... you have been boring and hot/humid.. happy to leave.... but so sad to say goodbye.. -Sgt Gilligan

oh she makes me.......

I can't even tell you what the last 13 days of my life has been like.... What started in this euphoric, amazing, highly anticipated month quickly turned into the worse day of my Marine Corps... for a few reasons, in which it is no ones fault but my own. What my average PFT score is a medium to high 1st class. I started this course off by failing my PFT.. well news flash. as a Sgt, there is no room for error, and at the end of the day I could complain about frivolous things like, humidity and being out for 2 years blah blah blah... but what it boils down it, is that I didn't prepare enough, and I let the Marine Corps down. Which resulted in another Sgt telling me, essentially, that I was a disappointment and there was no reason for me to even be back in and I should have never picked up Sgt. well- slap in the face to me. But she is dead right. I understand that there are a ton of different style leaderships... PT is not my top 5 strong points. But that is something that can be controlled... So, you suck in the eff up and brush off your knees, mend your hurt ego and you put one foot in front of the other... I may not be very book smert -:) and I may not be a marathon runner... (wait, I did do that.. I just ran it slow)... and I may do everything the long and hard way 1st before I get a hang of it.. but there is one thing that no one can deny me of... an that's having heart. I'm not going to give up, I am not going to fail... (completely) and I will get better... It's been quite the adjustment getting back into the swing of things... Something things come so naturally and others throw me thru loops. I stare blankly at the instructions, trying so hard to understand and comprehend, I don't want to look like a fool... I know I'll get the hang of it.

It's hard being somewhere, starting over essentially, and not having any friends. I am not used to it... I am used to people knowing me, liking me, thinking I'm funny...

I didn't really have any expectations when I got back in.. I knew it would be different, but what I guess I didn't realize is how much time it would cause me to reflect on life. We as the NCO's are teaching and training the boots about the fleet, what it's like, what to expect, and how life is... and in the midst of everything.. I forget that I am not active... I wont be at work 24/7 with Marines... I wont be irritated one moment, running around like a headless chicken the next, and so excited every morning... I get kind of sad... This is making me wonder if I should have ever gotten out??? Should I have?? I think that there are all sorts of things in life that I want to see and be apart of it.. Maybe just the reserves is the right ave.? I do love my life in Seattle.. I love my family... my job... my cat... amazing husband an I moved to a tropical island last year... FOR THE FUN OF IT! ...where is next? What's next on my list of adventures... Should I keep my beloved Corps at an arms length so I can have my cake and eat it to?

While writing this blog, I was sitting outside my hatch on the balcony... and Taps began to play... The faint sound of the horn blanketing the outdoors in a ritual of pride and respect... we stand and salute as they lower the flag of the United States of America... and put her to bed for the night, so at 0800... she can wake up, unfurl, and dance in the breeze for the rest of the day.. representing everything we stand for and support.

this is what I missed...

The Marine Corps makes me feel like I had drive and a purpose.. Maybe because it's just a challenge for me... Everything comes the hard way... and I am pretty sure that is inadvertently self inflicted..

Maaaaatu posted a blog tonight that I stopped to read, and I loved it so much I pulled my boots into a room and read it to them....Her and I agree about a lot of things in the Corps.. and even tho (i'm pretty sure) I came in before her.... I look up to her... I respect her, I want to learn from her. She is squared away, self-motivated and driven... we share the love.... and the ambition... Still trying to figure out what it is that this life we have is in store for us... all we know is that we are going to have a blast trying to figure it out...

I have so much to do to grow--- to become better... to tweak....

Am I the person I've always wanted to be? I am not sure about that.. Some days I'd say yes and others I'd say no...

In the end, it's just to make you proud, Daddy:) What if i have lived my entire life just to make that man proud? What if every choice I have ever made was just to make him tell me how great of a job I am doing??? Am I the only one on this planet that sees how much of an amazing man my father is? How hard working, how positive, how motivated, how.. "if there is a will, there is a man named Bill" he is???? How "you are the sum total of all choices you have ever made in lifE" he is... How " Words mean things, Gloria" he is??? am i the only one that thinks this man can just about walk on water????

not sure-- but if that's what it takes me to succeed in life.. I just hope I don't let him down... I want to live out his legacy... I want to teach some little child of mine some day the importance of "you are only as old as you feel" or "excuses are for those who make them" or "success is getting up one more time then you get down".. HOLY CRAP i guess i didnt realize how many saying i knew of his.. I could go on an on.. and the end of the day..

this is me. this is the path of life I have chosen. and this is the path of life I am going to run down.. weather it takes me 32:33 or not..... :)

in closing...

Brown Chicken- brown cow. Sgt Gilligan

The boys of the past.

never replacing the old.

on thursday i will board a plane and head to MOS school for the Marine Corps... again... but this time i am not a PVT. I am nervous and full of excitement to find out what is to come, and to be apart of something I love so much, again... I can't help but compare it to what I already know.. but it's not going to be the same.. fb is annoying when you don't want to run down memory lane.. but you find yourself flashing thru album after album, reliving your old moments in time..

I find myself on the Marine Corps ball of 2007... all of my friends.. all together... having a blast.. we are all LCpl's and some have already made it to Cpl.... so young.. not that we are old now.. but we are for sure not 21 anymore... it's hard to grasp that 6 years have already come and gone...

6 years is kind of a long time when you have only been an adult for 8.

I went to the Marine Corps ball this last year with someone I just met because he needed a date... (friends of friends)... I remember looking around (this was also before I decided to reup)... but I looked around and saw 300 Marines that I had never met before.. granted, we all do the same thing at the Ball.. sit around.. all done up in our best dress, eat slightly cold dinner, watch the Comm of the Corps give a speech (which is always found to have the audio mess up along the way)... followed by excessive drinking, black outs, dancing, and some of us puking.. But i realized that I don't know anyone.. and that the Corps will never be the same for me...

Headed to school in 5 days.. I must remember that this is not to relive the past, nor is it to duplicate my old life.... this is a new beginning and I can't be let down if it doesn't fulfill my nostalgia. If anything this is a chance to be the Marine I always wanted to be..

starting new things in 2012...

I started my Bachelor of Science in Culinary Arts last Monday.. a lot of homework, but i am excited to be learning new things...

and SUPER pumped to make dinner for my roommates and have them tell me how much they love it or what they can do to change it :)...

I also bought a leather journal.. i'll be channeling a lot of my thoughts there...

until my thoughts get too much -Gilligan

little bit of this.. little bit of that....

so- was going to write a blog on having children an why i am just not there.. then i found it directionless an boring. searching for a top to speak about... something that will bring insightful laughter an relatable memories.. but nope.. no motivation. I am sitting here with a clay masque on my face, hot rollers in my hair, Crest bleach strips on my teeth, an contemplating repainting the three nails that i smudged yesterday... chores must be done... laundry always to be washed an folded, an all the while Family Guy is distracting me.

July 19th I head to NC for training in the Marine Corps. I'm stoked. Stoked to feel like a belong again-- to train an lead Marines... I'm stoked to be miserable and fall out of formation runs... even tho I just ran a 1/2 marathon.. i sure as hell have a hard time doing any type of distance... in a timely manner.

my dad's brewery, Boatyard Brewing Co. is really taking off.. So happy for him.. just goes to show that you are not too old to start your dream. Too many of us find reasons to not pursue happiness, instead we stand by- comfortably miserable in life because routine is too hard to step off the beaten path...

what are my goals for when i turn 30.. 30 was a milestone, now I look at it as right around the corner.. my next bday will put me in my late 20's... I am not like other people.. i don't dread getting older.. I actually lie sometimes and tell people I am older then I am now.. just so they may take me more seriously. I am a screw off, clown, always looking' for a laugh.. but those people.. those kinds of people aren't ever taken seriously.. so .. maybe they will take a 29 y/o seriously.. haha .. But I have these goals in life. an I hope that where I plan to be at 30 really is where I will be... .. ya know.. i got nothing.... Cheers.

Gilligan