this morning... after serving at the cafe with my ladies in church.... i had a great moment durning worship.
while singing in church... i raise my hands to the lord and start to weep. tears streamed down my face as I pray to the Lord, and ask for forgiveness... for just a brief moment my thoughts are clear and i can communicate with him my feelings... I wish to be like you. I wish to be better.
in the midst of self evaluation an an sobs--- there managed to be a clear moment where i felt the worlds i sang, and spoke clearly in my mind.....
its very hard for me to pray.
i cant even close my eyes and listen to Pastor Don pray with out losing focus. a million thoughts flutter my brain... so clouded an masked ... I yell in my mind "FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS" ... just to drown out the distractions....
i feel like i am drowning. drowning in me. self indulged... me me me..... even this blog. isn't this just a place for me to talk about me? and im vain enough to believe that you all are really interested in me? isnt that vanity? but arent we all vain? dont we all seek self worth in others approval?
I'm not depressed... I'm just feeling lost. my mind doesnt shut off long enough to finish a thought. always thinking of a million things all at once... and i just need peace. I need peace in my heart... and my soul.. i need peace with the Lord...
I need to shut up so i can listen. I know he's speaking to me... I know he helps me... he's always around me... I'm just so wrapped up in my life that I feel that I am clouding him out....
Lynnie is amazing-- an when i shut up an listen to her... she really knows ...it helps to talk to her... I dont really know who to talk to sometimes... maybe that's why i like my blog... because I am talking to anyone that is interested in listening... and if no one is out there... then i still get it off my chest...
I'm drowning, but I can see a floaty near by..maybe its one of those noodles... those things are so handy... I just gotta clear the daubery between me an the survival... my an the Lord...
It's just you an me, God... bring it on :o) I need all your loving...
You're not drowning - God is swimming through you - he's having a go of this life through you - taking in all the sights and sounds and experiences you are having - all the doubts, and fears, and joys, and sorrows - that's what you can do for God - live your life full out, authentic, fully present - without concern that you are selfish - of course you are selfish - you are God - and without that God-self, how can you serve the world?
ReplyDeleteI love how authentic you are Gloria. You are just you and you're not afraid to be YOU. I could've written those words. Don't ever think your alone with your thoughts and feelings of drowning. This is a crazy busy world we live in. I am the same way listening to a prayer. Whether I am saying it or someone else, I can't keep my mind from wandering! Sometimes I feel ashamed that I can't shut off my mind! I can only think about "ME" stuff constantly. Sometimes it keeps me up at night. Thank you for being real. ;-)
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