Seattle has been hit with some major snow this last week... in some areas it was historical amounts.... What I find absolutely adorable is that no matter the age of an individual... the snow always brings the child out... I was driving thru my neighborhood and I saw what looked like grandparents out with their grandchildren... and the smile on the grandpa's face as you held the sled in his hand cheering on his grandkids was pretty priceless... Maybe it's just cause we dont get a lot of snow here, but it did give me a nice laugh... I also love that everybody comes out of the woodwork... I didnt know we had so many kids in the surrounding area.. and they were ALL at the park.. sliding down the smallest snow covered hill till the white was muddy... Today when we woke up, the warm air had come in over night and melted all the snow away.. it was good while we had it.. this past week made me feel like I was back home again.. only instead of Maple trees an Pines covered in snow, there are Evergreens... I'm still on the search of what I want to do.. there is a slight worry in the back of my mind that I will be going to school forever because I just wont be able to decide...

always starving for more.

Have we chosen the path of life in which we were meant for? How do we know this is what will make us happy? Could I have been happier choosing something else? I often find myself doing something I enjoy; like today for example... I sauteed some mushrooms, onions, cherry tomatoes and garlic together, and thru them on a toasted wheat wrap, where I cut up some grilled chicken and wilted spinach leaves, an had a spicy mustard dressing.. it tasted amazing, and I was entirely pleased with the choice of spices I had made.. While making Lynnie and me dinner I thought, " should I had gone to culinary school instead of cosmetology school?" which brings me to my next question.. is it too late? I wish I could have packed up an moved to some mountain an worked the lifts all winter an just done the "snow bum" thing.. saved my money, bought fewer items that tie me down, and travel more... should I had stayed in? always questions on my mind.. but isnt it on everyones? is that something that will always be? do we ever reach a period of time where we are okay with the path we chose? I feel like I will do something big someday! I'm going to achieve something GREAT!... my thoughts and goals are always dreaming of something better... is it just foolish talk? because... i am after all... just a dreamer..... I dream all day... all night... in the morning when my phone vibrates as the morning emails start to fill my junk box.. i lay with my eyes half open, not quite fully awake... but awake enough to day dream about the adventures and excitement I long for... shampooing my hair, when i get a client that isn't very talkative... driving home in my car w/o a stereo... an as I lay in bed at night slowly drifting off as I listen to the breath of my sleeping husband beside me.... I'm always dreaming... I pick a topic.. lets say its this idea of a café I have... i start with the items on my menu.. how much i would charge... i think about my favorite snakes or sandwiches, maybe a healthy cafe? maybe comfort foods... what would I paint the walls? i want a warm, welcoming feeling, maybe deep burgundy... internet access? leather couches? maybe a room to have a large screen TV so people can come in an pick a movie to watch?? I dream every moment I am not engaged in an active conversation, or occupied by time consuming nonsense (i.e. fb) Do we forever feel like there is something else out there for us? Is curiosity always consuming our thoughts? Will there every be a time that I look at my life an say I have made the right choices, and I am happy where I am? Or will I always starve for growth? Isn't it growth that keeps up alive, and productive? Instead of feeling like I am not doing enough, should i just recognize yearning for more is what will forever keep me in a forward perpetual motion and that its a good way of life? But would that be satisfying? or would I feel like I didnt amount to enough...

Far Behind by Candlebox

isn't it strange how much our teens suck... you feel so alone an troubled, like your falling down this deep dark hole... an no one understands you.. but then somehow .. you grow past it... an everything works out. an when you get older, you have an opportunity to listen to younger people-- an you realize.. holy hell.. we all go thru that stage.. at least for me anyhow.. I was thinking about life the other day.. well, i think about it everyday.. but the other day i was thinking about this.. an then i just read my cousin's blog-- an it is JUST like my journal when i was 17/18/19 years old.. SOOOOO boy crazy.. an inlove with EVERYONE.. holy crap was i inlove with every one. everything.. anytime a guy paid me attention.. i couldn't get them out of my mind. it was this sick twisted control that they didnt even know they had over me... but i couldnt help it.. like the plague they would just eat away at me.. until someone else came along and paid me more attention.. or some crazy dramatic falling out.. but when did that change? when did i start feeling in control? ya know- i'm not sure if i even feel in control these days hahah.. but what i was thinking about was how much people change.. how much i changed... somewhere from 18 an 21 my identity came to me..i go back home a visit occasionally.. but even then.. those people dont know me... i think about the time spent in Japan when i was 20... the boys i'd roll with.. Toler, thunder, Brody, Merz, Hayter, Krissy.. @ Terry's... drinking Boogies all night an slamming shots of habu saké... it was this whole new person that came out of me when i left home.. I'd like to be humble.. but confident when I say that my friends liked me.. they liked me around.. that i may have been the drunk center of attention.. but moreso they liked me because i was funny... the countless memories.. (or blackouts lol) from that period in time.. I remember being worried when i got back to the states.. that that person wasn't going to come with me.. I wanted to stay being the "funny guy" ... i was worried about how my friends in NC would take me... but it all rolled intogether.. Whit, Mikey, Sanford, Lew, Face, Scott, Driskill.. they were some of my group.. an I remember so many great nights... its this confidence.. somewhere along the way.. i became me.... an when i go home to Kalamazoo.. I know that not a single person there knows who I am.. which i guess is okay.. they don't need to know me.. that's why i left it behind.. an all the stupid things I did... Remember memorial day weekend in Knoxville, TN.. MAN that was fun.. i remember i wanted to go to Cottoneye Joe's soooo bad.. an ride a damn cowboy (wild bull.. but i kept calling it a cowboy).. an we taught Scotts mother (who doesnt drink) how to play beer pong.. an the rest of the 15 brothers an sisters he has.. an they made fun of how i eat.. an somehow Sanfords truck had my bootprints on the ceiling.. an Scott was looking for the lighter.. an i was looking for the lighter.. an he turned to me an said, "WHAT, ARE YOU DUMB".. an then the two of them laughed so hard.. an i was soo lost.. Kalamazoo just reminds me of boys..an it makes me ill... I spent so many years wasted on ... boys... damn.. i've wasted so many years of my LIFE.. on boys... what the hell for? why ?? why why why?? Im so happy that I'm married now. so its okay that i can be 100% consumed in love.. an its mutual... but what was wrong with me then... But as i was saying.. they don't know me.. but then again-- im not really that person anymore either.. i'm a home body.. i like to throw dinner parties and cook for lots of people an sew things, or crochet.. clean my house.. will we forever dwell on the past? replay our "glory days" over an over?... i am happy that i am past those days.. let me rephrase that.. I am HAPPY I got thru my teens.. an got the hell out of kalamazoo.. an all the crazy boys that i was inlove with who didnt even know i existed.. that i filled countless pages of my journal about.. craving attention from anyone that would look twice at me.. I hope i didnt mislead them.. because i guess I may have hurt some people along the way.. what in the hell happened in my life where that had to be such a big, pathetic part of my life???? so i am happy i lived past that, an joined the corps.. an i am happy i partied harder then i ever will again... for a few years.. an traveled the world with my brothers by myside.. an did some stupid .. but fun.. things... an i went balls to the wall.. (face planting over everyone)... but i lived passed it.. and now i am happy.. ECSTATIC actually.. that i lived passed that.. an met my match.. but even if i am happy where i am.. do will forever wish for our glory days again?? i met a guy that could match every story that i had.. an that was just as wild (well i thought.. come to find out.. he's SUPER.. the opp. of me! :o) --- ).. but i'm happy i lived those times and made it thru them... an have settled nicely .. as the 25 year old .. still lost, still looking for what i want in life.. but this time.. no boy drama.. just my baby... my baby an me... together.. trying to figure out what the hell i want outta my life.. our lives.. this blog was sparked by reading a younger woman's feeling about boys.. made me think about how completely retarded i was.. I guess i have no regrets.. well, thats bullshit.. because if a regret is considered "if i had another chance.. i'd do it differently" then hell yeah.. i would do SOOOO many things differently.. (as long as they still brought me to Danny :O)-- )... But i just wish i didnt waste so much time on boys.. i wish i could have been happy with me.. thats what it boils down to.. i couldnt handle myself.. by myself.. i didnt like me... couldnt handle the thought of being alone.. i just wish i would have listened to someone older then me... they are wiser.. they wre all wiser.. they all knew what was best for me.. man-- i could have played a sport... done better in school... saved more money... but nope... page after page after page... boy after boy... all of my time.. wasted .... on boys who didn't even know i was alive...man.. am i happy to not be 19 anymore.. my advice do the 16-20 y/o's..... stop wasting your time on a boy.. that part of your life can come later... right now... just be you.. learn to sit in your room by yourself.. an NOT focus on some dude.. an wonder if he likes you.. or dissect what his "hey" meant today... learn to love yourself.. an im not talking about for a night.. im saying... reallly.. really... get to know yourself.. go a couple mths w/o even batting an eye at a boy.. they aren't worth it.. an i can tell you another thing.. YOU WONT MARRY WHO YOU MEET NOW.... so it's not even worth it.. man... i wish i just played a sport.. i would have played... Softball, volleyball, i would have actually played a match in Golf.. an not just go to practice ... i could have been so cool then... if only i would have known.... only if i didnt wear my heart on my sleeve... and have a little more confidence.... so embarrassed of the person i was in kalamazoo.. just some thoughts. "an its not your fault, but mine .. an it was your heart on the line.. i really fucked it up this time... deny my dear... deny my dear.."

You think your gangsta.. cuz you did time.. well listen up gangsta...

I've been meaning to express how absolutely beautiful I find Seattle... I drive south on the 405 from Lynnwood to Bellevue for work... and for the last few weeks there is this slight hill that I come up over and a get a beautiful view of colorful yellow, red, and orange trees blanketing the landscape of rolling hills thru the western side of Washington... on a clear day I see Mount Rainer tucked away like an old sleeping dragon covered in snow... with clouds covering the very tip..at night.. theres a lake in the distance.. reflecting the glowing lights of the million dollar mansions that pepper the hillside... Today I drove down Bellevue way.. (for those who do not know.. it is the richest city per capita in the US)... each building has lights that change colors and shine big snow flakes... all the poles are cover in lights.. the trees, bushes, windows.... little presents with bows on them line the sidewalks.. Penelope told me tonight that at night ..after Thanksgiving... they blow fake snow down the streets everynight at 6pm.... HOW AMAZING IS THAT!!!???? I've been listening to Christmas music today... it really makes me feel amazing..... I have stung lights around my head board.... they are the multi color - so they have a warm glow to them when my lights are off.. an snuggled under my electric blanket.... i can almost see the snow falling outside.. I went home a few weeks ago... it was amazing,,, but my trip home didnt quite satisfy my home-sickness.... it did just enough to tide me over.. now the rest is just dealing with the everlasting thought of knowing I'll never return... mainly because there is nothing there for my husband an me.. all what is left is some wonderful friends.. an a whole lot of memories.. in which.. most should be forgotten.. but yesterday when i was unpacking... finally.... all of my clothes smelled like my parents house.. my old bedroom... I didnt throw them in the basket... i balled them up.. im sure I'll need it later... when im homesick again... im signing up for winter qtr tonight.... cant decide on my classes.. i have my basics.. but i am contemplating some extra.. I need a back up career... what if i get bored with what I am doing??? what if the field i have dreamed of.... isnt really what will strike my fancy??? work work work thats all i know... and i wanna do something i love... i feel like ill be in school forever if i dont decide... Acting?? I was looking at acting classes?? do i have the dedication?? power training?? do i really have the dedication?? I really want to take some interior design classes..... what about architectural design... am i smart enough?? PHOTOGRAPhY... oi... i'd love that... what it really boils down to is being content with the path i've chosen.. but are we ever really content?? no... forget that.. i'm never going to be content.. an tht's okay.. because as I am an ever changing individual.. so will be my dreams.. and looks like i am just goingto have to settle on being content with change... staying consistent has no place when you are ADHD... how will i ever buy a house?? i wanna go too many places.. see too many things... change too much... i'm okay with it all actually... it'll all fit into place because i have faith that it will.... what if i pursued acting again??? that seems challenging again... my mom brought up how i won 8th in state out of 300sum kids ... ... does that mean that i have any talent?? or everyone just sucked..lol Oh Christmas music... I hope my dad is having fun in Mexico.. drinking something fruity that should be ordered by a woman while lounging on the beach somewhere... I'm happy to have reconnected with dear friends.... it's crazy how after years an years of no communication... that spark still lingers... and the friendship is still there.. i cant say that about a lot of people in my life.. Merry Christmas..... I'm already starting my shopping.. pretty proud of myself.. i wanna make a lot of gifts.. so if you rcv something hand made.. YOU BETTER TELL ME YOU FREAKING LOVE IT!!! im in a blissful mood... why arent more people just genuinly happy??? i was at the church cafe this morning.. trying to be as happy an pleasent.. an smiling.. "have a wonderful day!!!" because thats how constomer service ROLLS.. i worked at MENARDS.. an i was HAPPY!!! but its shocking to see how little it is in return.. WHY CANT EVERYONE BE HAPPY! gah you have air in ur LUNGS!!... lighten up a little! OR IM GUNNA SHOVE MY SMILE DOWN YOUR THROAT.. im sure i had much more to say..but i seem to be in a rant... nanite for meow.... mmmmm Gizmo... i love you.. an your splotchy ways oh.. an dont let me forget to tell you how much i LOVE the seattle rain... :)

how much does a pound of anxiety weigh?

I went to most likely my last Marine Corps Ball last night... and drank like a 21 y/o LCpl again.. lol
during the ceremony, my eyes may have gotten a little misty... the pride and tradition will forever mean the world to me..
you can look around to the dates of most the Marines and watch them sway, look around, mess with their hair, and not pay attention.. but you look at every squared away Marine in their dress blues... standing at complete attention, not moving a muscle.. respect and honor for what we stand for... it was pretty nice to be there again..

an for the rest of the night.. double jack an coke's took away most my memory ... but what I do remember is that Lynnie started the dance floor :) and it was amazing...

but what I did realize is that I am happy to be out. and that this chapter ... this part of my life... this prideful part of my life... its okay to be over with... its okay.. and I'm okay with it being done.


I'm gunna do big things in life... and thats how they get accomplished... you have to close chapters in order to start new ones...



I went home to Michigan for the 1st time in 2 years a few weeks ago.. and I had a blast... so so many people that mean so much to me..asked all the time when i was moving back to kalamazoo..
unfortunately, thats just not in the stars for me...
you cant do big things when u are in a stagnant lull and i feel like kalamazoo has me in a lull... a lot of memories that I am happy to have forgotten...

why cant we have our cake an eat it too? like-- a BIG ICE CREAM cake... mmMMmMmmm nom nom nom.... ice cream cake.....

my college qtr is almost done... i can't wait.. cuz this 0700 to 2200 everyday sched is kicking my ass...
snowboarding season is gunna start soon.... sooo excited....

speaking of school.. i have a paper to write.. because it's sunday night an i've had all week to do it-- an this is how i roll...
procrastination. .....

I super love my cat.


an random thoughts...


I love Pad Thai too...

mmmmmmm kung pow chicken..

this morning i thin i was still drunk when i got to work.. and i looked over to Penelope while I was cutting my clients hair and asked.. "does this look okay?"
haha
dont worry- it was a little boy... and he had a mess of hair.. i just wasnt sure what was going on ....
but P reassured me that I was doing good.. thats what true friends are for.. hahahahaha
and then i came home.. an i curled up in the arms of my husband and took the GREATEST NAP EVER!.. an ate some Pad Thai...

I love lamp.

peace. Im out. gnite ya'll...

dedication.

********************disclaimer************************
my blogs are my thoughts- they are as real as the thoughts to myself. self-centered, arrogant, conceited, vain, love, lust, joy etc... all parts of my mind ... an most likely all of our minds.... but who has the balls to really admit their own vanity?
*******************************************************


I don't normally dedicate a blog to someone, because mostly they are just rants that I am thinking about at the moment.
But as all of you know- My level of motivation towards my beloved Corps is only rising. :o)

I had a discussion with my husband a bit ago, describing the ultimatum I have given myself. In 3 years time, if I don't feel that my income, benefits, an vacation isn't up to par- I know I always have a back up plan, an wish to reenlist at the Sgt that MOL has me as.

I'd like to thank a marine in my life that hated me, despised the idea of a single deployment with me, let alone have me work for him.

My unit sends out tons of marines at a time for a giving deployment, but for this special case it was just me an the SSgt.. (an the LT who didn't like me either) According to my SSgt, he told me once that when he found out he was going on det with only me, he dreaded all the trouble i was going to get him into... because he knew only of my drunk stories, an rumors that would spread ... an some I can assume were not just rumors...


I dreaded the next 7 mths of my life.. knowing that this SOB was in charge of me.. he was an annoying, hard ass that had everything to complain about, and tell me what i was doing wrong. Micro-managing and shadowing me is NOT the way to get thru to me... I was, after all, "Cpl F**King Gilligan" ... Lots of friends, drunk every night, proud of my 200$ bar tabs ...and i thought I was amazing. Breaking hearts an booze made me feel powerful.

and then, along came the reality check....


not having anyone else in supply but my SSgt an I, the pressure was on...

I had picked up Cpl that spring, but moved shops an was still learning, so I never was put into a position of an NCO... so, according to me, in my little world, I was the center of it... I mine as well be a PFC at the rate I was going... but I was proud to be an NCO because I had a high PFT, high rifle, an good pros/cons, an went to Cpl's course 5 mths before I even picked up... so I thought as far as I am concerned I was hot shit... ya know, look at the paper work... it says it all.. but the truth was-- I had NO IDEA how to do ANYTHING... I never understood supply, I never had any marines to be responsible for, or set the example... pretty much all i knew how to do was issue boots, and i messed that up 1/2 the time anyway.

Headed to japan for the 2nd time with VMA-223 Harriers, I knew my way around...
So--- my SSgt puts me on night crew (probably so he didn't have to work with me or see me... )
Pushing me out of his hair back fired... the 1st night we had to work in Japan, SSgt had me workd day crew, then the next week I was switching to night crew, to manage myself ... this was a good idea??? (ya right)

The night before work, I went out drinking with my "friends" and was up till 0430, an had to be to work by 0530...
long story short, SSgt was pounding down my door at 0846 only to be greeted by his ONLY RESPONSIBILITY, still waisted, cigarette smelling, still dressed from the night before, makeup smeared down face, stumbling to the door in a delirious gaze like i didnt know where i was.

I had 10 min to be changed over, an in front of my barrack for the longest 5 min, silent drive, of my LIFE... all they way to the flight line.

an there awaits my LT that can't stand me and my SSgt that is already ashamed of the disgrace i was turning out to be.

our little office cleared, an i stood at parade rest getting the biggest, most embarrassing ass-chewing I'd ever gotten. Getting yelled at is one thing.. you messed up your job... *YELL YELL YELL, SPIT IN MY FACE, KNIFE HAND ME, IM A EFF UP, TURD BLAH BLAH BLAH* ... but when they are genuinely disappointed in you... because it wasn't even my 1st day of work an I had already fulfilled all of his dreaded nightmares an assumptions of me.... different story.

"YOU WANNA ACT LIKE A PFC, I CAN MAKE YOU ONE! YOU WANNA EMBARRASS ME, THAT'S FINE-- I'LL EMBARRASS THE HELL OUT OF YOU! I KNEW YOU WERE TROUBLE! I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO F**K UP THIS DEPLOYMENT FOR ME! etc.....You shouldn't even be a Cpl, you are a disgrace to a NCO....."

so-- low point in my career.. because, remember... I had tons of friends, and i could drink with my boys, and i liked to party.. because isnt that was the corps is about??? I remember my DI telling us, "Just remember, we work hard-- but we play even harder" and i thought to myself, "SWEET! IT'S GOING TO BE A PARTY FOR THE NEXT 4 YEARS!!!"

SSgt put me on day crew and I have ZERO room to mess up anything...micro-manage, and always breathing down my neck-- I hated him even more...

and then it all changed.. We were delivering C-130 tires to the ship yard on the other side of base, and in the EZ-Go.. we talked about life... and I told him where I came from, and the things I had done, and what I really loved about the Marine Corps, and what I wanted to be... an I wanted to be a good NCO, I want marines to look up to me.. i just dont know who... because I never had a Staff NCO to allow me to be that way... I was stuck in this FLIPPING, stupid shop that had the highest turn over rate of OIC's n Staff NCO's ... I was always by myself.. and always messing up things...my ASO told me I was doing great all the time an not to change.. then my Gunny would pull me aside an tell me I was a f**k up...

from that point out.. SSgt an I bonded.. he understood me.. he knew why i was the way i was...
He gave me responsibility.. put my incharge of things.. i got to be an NCO, he believed in me, taught me about supply.. an how it worked, and what I had to do, an know... gave me a reason to try an improve... kinda shined a different light on the ridiculous life I was living..

Granted, a lot of the marines I worked with back garrison couldn't stand him.. an didn;t understand why I loved him so much... but they also didn't know what he meant to me... I really embarrassed him, and made a mockery out of myself... and he pulled me back up.. I think because of him-- is why I loved the corps so much in the end...

Now, I know at going-aways every one tells you nice things, weather its a bunch of BS or not... no one is gunna stand up an say, "You were a jack ass" but I had a good turn out.. My Mastergunns was there, even my ASO! lots of my friends... and the best compliment I ever received from anyone was Master Gunnery Seargent Cook... "Cpl Gilligan, a great marine, w/o a single military bone in her body... no bearing and an no discipline, but a fine marine that will be greatly missed...."
Take it how you will- but that made me feel like I did a great job...
Knezeck would always feel that I was her go to marine for help... maybe that was mostly because after Cpl Driskill went on preggo leave, no one else was left to seek guidance from :o)...

But i want to thank you, SSgt Carlos Moreira..... inspite of what they all say about you (hahaha) I really loved you.. you taught me a lot, and didn't give up on me, and I hope I made you proud in the end....

I hope I made everyone proud in the end.... I loved the corps then, and I love it now... I didnt wanna be just another "wm" an i hope I illustrated that in the end..

... silence is the loudest parting word, you never say...

not feeling up beat an chipper....
not feeling in love with my life...
the sun is shining down on this beautiful earth, and i am ..... here..... stuck in the corner of my brain.... shuffling thoughts of an argument that hasn't happened. and argument that is played out in my mind 1000 ways... but the only outcome is pain.

how many times do you have to repeat yourself until you feel like you have spoken?

my thoughts become issues, issues become anger which turns into rage... next thing i know.. i am making my bed in the most aggressive manner possible, and just screaming at the top of my hypothetical lungs in my hypothetical fight in my own mind.

there are so many things to say, but no words will come out right...

the waiting game is becoming my next obstacle to conquer... patience and time is the only remedy for this problem...

but when the day has come I know that it will be better. That that smile will be on your face, and it will light up my life... and I will love again... love my life, love these days...

ya know how they say "the grass is always greener" i think thats a bullshit statement.. because I know that it's not...
I don't understand where that perspective comes from.. because even when I am upset and sad and angry and frustrated... I know that at these moments of darkness...... these moments are better with you then a great moment with anyone else....
I'd rather live in silence and pain for a bit then to be happy with anyone else....

which brings me to my next point....

its not that bad... maybe I am okay today... maybe all it took was a few sentences... and now I can smile with you... because I do know that this time will go by.. and everything will be perfect.. because since you've come into my life... my life has been complete...

I am sorry I don't do a good job supporting you... and that I say the wrong things at the wrong time... and I clam up when you need me the most sometimes... I am still new at this "wife" thing.... and we have a lot of years together to perfect it... just don't give up on me, and I wont give up on you :o) even when i eat the rest of dinner and didnt leave you any :(

I remember this man I met once... on the back of an aircraft carrier.. we sat above the wake and watched the sun set below the horizon of the Sea of Japan... and he looked at me and said, "Bonnie an Clyde... till the end"... an described this life we'd have together...that we'd be on a roller coaster, and no one could ever stop us... and that he'd love me forever and always....

I remember those butterflies... they are still here..... I love you.... you are my everything....





this was us :o)








---- i feel much better... thnx for listening :o)