i used to be AmAzInG...

ever have those moments in your life when it's just you an your music....
and you play an album from back in the day..
for me.. Because I was talking to James Allen last night, so when i was thinking of a song to listen.. For me it's The Misfits -- if you know me, thats a no brainer--- for I haven't listened to Famous Monsters album in forever..

INSTANTLY.. my blood boils..! i close my eyes an im sitting in my old house on Wood St.... blaring dads stereo while he is at work-- learning all the words so i can sing along with my brother...

im 15 all over again... on top of the world.. before i got sucked into a mentally destructive relationship... i knew me.. i knew who i was... an i knew i LOVED this music...

but really-- i didnt have a clue who i was....
isnt it THAT that makes us... AWESOME!

i didnt know who i was till i was on my own.. traveling the world... wish i spent a little more time single in my life ( i have never been single before).. but then agian, that is me.. thats part of me..an its okay.. i love to love.. and i will love anyone... an i think thats okay.. who said i can only love one person.. who said i cant face plant the day i meet someone ...
i face planted over my husband... even tho i couldnt have him... it wasnt till months later i connected the dots an relized he was the single most amazing, loving, big hearted, perfect for me... man i'd ever meet..

anyway.. back to being amazing...

i feel amazing..

and DANGIT!! it's because i LOVE THE MISFITS....

AND THATS OKAY TOO!

this blog has no meaning...

but feeling amazing..


BECAUSE THE MISFITS ROCK!!!

the sun is shining.. an i am a smiling

today is one of those days that you catch yourself driving down the highway with sun in you face, smiling.

i feel good.. i am on top of the world. i'm going places, and doing big things in my life..

i've got the bull by the horns, and i am in control of this roller coaster...

an no one can stop me!

drowning.

this morning... after serving at the cafe with my ladies in church.... i had a great moment durning worship.

while singing in church... i raise my hands to the lord and start to weep. tears streamed down my face as I pray to the Lord, and ask for forgiveness... for just a brief moment my thoughts are clear and i can communicate with him my feelings... I wish to be like you. I wish to be better.

in the midst of self evaluation an an sobs--- there managed to be a clear moment where i felt the worlds i sang, and spoke clearly in my mind.....

its very hard for me to pray.

i cant even close my eyes and listen to Pastor Don pray with out losing focus. a million thoughts flutter my brain... so clouded an masked ... I yell in my mind "FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS" ... just to drown out the distractions....

i feel like i am drowning. drowning in me. self indulged... me me me..... even this blog. isn't this just a place for me to talk about me? and im vain enough to believe that you all are really interested in me? isnt that vanity? but arent we all vain? dont we all seek self worth in others approval?

I'm not depressed... I'm just feeling lost. my mind doesnt shut off long enough to finish a thought. always thinking of a million things all at once... and i just need peace. I need peace in my heart... and my soul.. i need peace with the Lord...
I need to shut up so i can listen. I know he's speaking to me... I know he helps me... he's always around me... I'm just so wrapped up in my life that I feel that I am clouding him out....

Lynnie is amazing-- an when i shut up an listen to her... she really knows ...it helps to talk to her... I dont really know who to talk to sometimes... maybe that's why i like my blog... because I am talking to anyone that is interested in listening... and if no one is out there... then i still get it off my chest...

I'm drowning, but I can see a floaty near by..maybe its one of those noodles... those things are so handy... I just gotta clear the daubery between me an the survival... my an the Lord...

It's just you an me, God... bring it on :o) I need all your loving...

recent moments... the family all together

for the last 2 weeks -- Danny and I have been in Chelan, WA @ his parents house on Lake Chelan... google it, if you dont know what it looks like... for sure the most breath taking place i've been on this earth!
Libby an Mike came up-- an later Mike's gf joined the fun...

Everyday our friends rolled thru -- played airsoft with danny & mike, floated on the lake, or laid in the sun... It's so great to have that type of environment for a while...I'm even more grateful that Danny's parents are so warm an loving that they allow for visitors quite often, and even offer to feed them-- whether it was a planned drop by, or not...
I know sometimes it can be a bit much to have that many people over to your house at once, but they were so good about it.. :o) all they asked for was a few moments of just family time... and thats exactly what we got...

for the last 2-3 days, it was just the family...

it was the best 2-3 days i have had in a long long time...laying in the sun, playing in the water, sitting in a circle watching dad act out "Fankenstein" in the game of Guesstures,,,

I got to spend so much time with Libby- either driving around, at the bars, or just laying on a towel in the grass... amazing how much I miss her company-- and wit, already... " I just called to say hello!-- HeRrOw!" *hahahah* wishing I live closer to her, I have to just wait for our next visit...

Michael brought home his gf, Jana for the family to meet.. the woman is the sweetest woman... so soft spoken, but a person of her own self... young and excited about life still :o) much like me and everyone else i love in life :o) -- I feel as tho we hit it off, I hope we did at least... we did on my end of things :o) -- I know situations in life can throw some crazy curve balls at chya.. but you make the best out of any situation.. an thats exactly what we did... and I love her! I hope to see her again-- as i told her... w/ or w/o mikey-- I wanna see her!

Wine tasting, fireworks, home cooked meals, sitting around a table with a family that you love.... bestfriends making tie-dye shirts for the 4th of July... going to church for the 1st time in 4 mths... and most of all... being home after an adventure to St. Croix!

The last two weeks have been some of the best times.... now that it's time to get serious-- I pray that the Lord stays by my side... and helps in our paths-- as i know he does.. I have a job interview on wednesday.. for a job that i have been really excited about.. I pray that it is the right step for me....

my focus is a little sharper-- i have a short term goal- doesnt feel practical.. but i know i can do it... jsut a matter of taking the steps... just like our move to STX...

Happy to be home... LOVING our new home with Lynnie.. she did a GREAT job picking it out...
Makes me love the friends I have... they are one in a million.. makes me wonder why I ever put myself around people who dont care that they are in my life or not...




ON THAT NOTE!

Be a good friend.. be someone that you love... do what you can for anyone around you... become "you-centric, not me-centric" remember that extending an offer to help -- even if they dont take it, shows them that you care.... listen when they speak, and get that d*mn look off your face like you are thinking of the next thing you want to say-- during the entire time they are talking.. , When you rant-- listen to their rant, When you have an issue-- talk about it... and get over it...
I love the people in my life... but there are those who if I had to choose, based on the outline of their personality-- I wouldn't care to even know them....

WHICH BRINGS ME TO ANOTHER POINT---

Is my bubble made of mirror? Do I only see what I think I am? Am I a different person to others then I think I am???
How does one become humble? I ask the Lord all the time, when I catch myself being caddy-- HUMBLE HUMBLE HUMBLE... love, respect, honor each an every person you come across, becuz the Lord does.. and we should to..
but how do i become humble? do i just keep focusing on it?? keep asking for it??? does it eventually consume enough of my thoughts that I become a more considerate, loving individual????

at what point, does a persons TRUE personality change???

ANOTHER THOUGHT




I am just like everyone else.
I'm self-centered, I look at myself in a reflection of a glass window passing and say to myself "you're fat, why do you eat so much, ugh" ... or-- " i look nice today, i really like the way i did my hair"... just like every other girl... When I see a window, or a mirror coming up as I walk along-- I look down at my feet and deliberately not look.. stop being self absorbed.. stop thinking about yourself... (well, myself)... stop worrying about me... me me me.. me me me... why is it ALWAYS about me....

Lord I ask you to focus my attention on others... and love others... forget about myself, and love you.....

I do love you.... I do think of others... I do catch myself being "me-centric" and focus on being "you-centric..."


at what point-- does my "core-personality" actually change....????



at what point????
just some thoughts



gnight -glo

Love.

i am a married woman.
Life is a certainty.
it is something that everyone longs for... something that we wish to see in its truest sense....
you long for it... love.. you wish for it.. its what consumes you..and when you dont have it- you imagine it...an when you have it... you change it

its the nature of the beast... when we are told we are beautiful every day we laugh at the comments because we done take the seriously... but when we are told once a month--- we laugh because we dont take them seriously....



hollow
i have so much more to say---- i promise... but, as i listen to the coyote's ----- hollow--- i wish to sleep.