this dark cloud of truth...its kinda depressing...

I've noticed a trend in my blogs. It's mainly due to the fact that when I have this mild feeling of deep thought or depression, I find the need to share it with everyone... I'd like to add that this is not the way I am 24/7.. it's just something I have on my mind and have the desire to share.. as if it's a way to clear my thoughts, a way of healing... or maybe some of you may be experiencing the same things in life.. I am also noticing a cycle... call it PMS.. maybe that's just a good excuse for it... but about once a month for about a week I have a dark cloud of insecurities looming over myself... Altho I am happy.. I still feel it's there.. maybe its the feeders... (mom knows what I am talking about.. as if I am Nes Freemark... an the feeders are hiding out in my shadows of darkness waiting for the moment of weakness to really go to work...)... I had a big slap in the face of reality recently... Where I thought of myself in one light, and was told that it wasn't at all how I had perceived.. It's quite shocking... it's more so shocking because I was deliberately making an effort to avoid these circumstances, and then I was made aware that it was exactly the opposite of what I was trying to do... Now, this was a wonderful thing.. Dad always says, "words mean things" and that is exactly true... The things you say or do... other people may not take them the way you intend... seems like a 'no brainer' but really.... it happens.... thankfully I have people in my life that love me enough and have the balls to say, "listen Glo, this is how it is.. an this is what you're doing.." otherwise.. what... we walk thru our lives in our little bubbles of how we perceive the rest of the world sees us... especially if you are working on your own personality... we are a product of our surroundings.. an i see youth as an excuse to act like an ass.. it is the time in your life to find the way, learn from mistakes, seek new experiences and grow as an individual.. but as you get older.. you have nothing to hide behind... Ignorance is no excuse.. I think.. in my own little world.. that a person should seek to be the best person possible... seek self improvement... are you a good friend? are you a good listener? do you follow thru with tasks? can you be relied upon? these are some values that mean something in my life.. that I forever am thinking about.. because this is the type of person i love.. an therefor this is the type of person i want to become... so when you are told,... that you're really not that way... it sucks to hear... but its exactly what you need to hear.. maybe its just that time of month-- so everything seems so amplified... does this make me full of myself, that I am always focused on my image?? well.. what if it is to always be focused on improving my image? trying to be a better person to other people... should i just, "get over myself"??? but humility... an becoming humble is something where you have to focus on yourself... so you can grow... your 20's i think is a time to exp life... grow.. an work on success... i was talking to my husband last night about some people I have considered friends of mine.. an how i have noticed that when i get done talking to these people.. i feel worse then before... that they just aren't nice people.. they aren't people I wont in my life.. now, he said... "make sure you aren't forming these ideas off of one conversation with these people.. maybe they were having a bad day.." well... i guess he's right.. but then when i think about the years i have known them.. they have always been an ass.. maybe i was just an ass too an didn't notice.. and then it occurred to me.. Danny, you don't make people feel bad... you don't pick on them, belittle them, ridicule them.. I bet I could ask every single person my husband has EVER met before.. and not one person would be able to recall a time that Danny wasn't nice, loving, humble, considerate, or just plain bad ass... now .. THAT is a person we should all be like.. that is someone that won't bring you down... Can people say that about you?? How are you impacting people's lives.. In this instance... i don't need to "get over myself.." these are values I need to focus on.. an I'm sorry if that means i have to think about myself all the time.. but if i am not evaluating and considering how i effect other people.. then I can't be the best person to others as I want to be... So.. with all this being said... I just want to curl up an pray... i want to be alone and have time to ask for guidance... ask to be the best person God made me... i know it doesn't happen over night.. but maybe the more I beat myself up about it.. the more likely it is to all sink in... also--- INTERRUPTING PEOPLE!!!! HOLY SHIT am I the WORSE offender of it... it kills me that I can't sit an listen to someone long enough with out thinking what ever the hell i am saying is SOOOO much more important that I have to interrupt them... so... that's my focus...

baby steps people... baby steps... how do you eat an elephant.. ? One bite at a time..