My thoughts

Sunday, September 23, 2012

We're just two lost souls..swimming in a fish bowl... year after year....

I dont believe in panic attacks.. and I dont believe in ADHD... I believe that we are all in control of our own feelings. It's amazing what a healthy life style and diet does to an individual...along with the right amount of sleep each night.. Now, with that being said... my extreme level of ADHD is pissing me off lately... as well as my sudden panic attacks. I don't know if either of them are what they actually are.. But I keep panicking lately.. I am stressing about up coming events in life and the change of scenery that will be happening.. It's true... we all have to grow up some day in our lives... but when it's good.. you don't want that to change.. you want to keep having and awesome life.. awesome time.. awesome friends.. I love my job, i love my family, my home.. my friends.. my moments in life when i find myself driving down the 405 gazing out into traffic.. thinking about how awesome everything is... i love having a really awesome moment in time and thinking.. this is going to be a memory later... someday I'll look back and reflect on this exact moment I am living and wish I were here.. and want to reply everything about it in my mind.. and here I am.. living it... but as time is ever changing.. that moment is gone...

the question of contentment has been on my mind lately.. will I ever be content...being content? I dont really believe in that either.. as much as i'd like to say yes there is a goal of mine.. i know me well enough to know that i like change... as scary as it is.. and as much as i long for the good times to last and last.. i know that when life is too much of the same.. i must stir things up... it sucks sometimes..but i guess thats what keeps things exciting. I'm sad to be tearing up everything I am comfortable with and jumbling it all around-- but isn't that what keeps us in a fwd perpetual motion?

anxiety has been building up.... maybe i just gotta go for a run...

Friday, September 14, 2012

It's time for a new leaf...

This last weekend was most likely one of the best in my life... and I'm here to tell you about it. As you all know I was in school for a month in July learning my new MOS for the Marine Corps. So this last weekend was the 1st reserve drill weekend I've had. Earlier in the week I was pointed in the direction to write this Sgt an email an let him know I'll be on deck the following weekend and I needed billeting for the room at the hotel.... He writes back and says, "Just show up in Alphas and we will go from there." Well this is irritating because I have a lot of question, and that doesn't answer anything. So I write him back. "Roger that Sgt, I already checked in to the unit when I got back from MOS school, do I still need to be in my Alphas? I know the company is going to the range this weekend, should I be prepared for that or have to bring anything? There may be CFT (combat fitness tests) to make up, should I be prepared to do that as well? Let me know asap so I can plan accordingly." So, the Sgt doesn't write me back and I can't get ahold of anyone.. So I Thursday morning I leave my house at 0445 to get to base by 0600. Im standing there in my dress uniform and the Marine I checked in after MOS school walks up to me and says, "Sgt, why are you in Alphas? You already checked in?" GAHHHHHHH!!!! **&^(^(#$(%ADFA*!! WHY DOES COMMUNICATION SUCK SO MUCH IN THE CORPS?!?!?!... So the Cpl tells me to go put on my cammies... "Aye, Cpl" lol...I change over and get introduced to the company GySgt.. he tells me that I will be attached to H&S Co. but doesn't know the details just yet.. Oh,okay.. roger that.. and tells me to go to supply and get my stuff I'm headed to the range this weekend .. ok! awesome! So i go an get my rifle.. and head to supply.. "Hey Sgt, sorry.. but we dont have anymore gear.." ... what do you mean???? "Um, well we dont have anything really left... what would you like?" ... "Well... do you have a sleep system?" .. "No".. well.. tell me what you do have?? Do you have a fleece, gator, gloves, polypro, and gortex?" Check... gimme that shit.. do you have a day pack I can put this in? "No. "... well screw you too then supply... OMgoodness... I just remembered that Danny and I camped out last weekend and all of our supplies are in the jeep still! THANK YOU!!!... I also was smart enough to have brought my pack that I bought that is authorized in cammies.. so, I pack my stuff up to hurry up an wait...

1st night.. trying to figure out all my stuff.. and where i belong.. reserves are a little different.. no structure right off the bat... that, or people were all lost bcuz of the range? i dunno.. but either way i spent the 1st day asking "WHO IS MY STAFF NCO?!?!?" That night- we have a Sgt's brief and I pull Gunny aside and ask, "Gunnery Sgt.. will you please inform me as to what I am doing here? Where I should be? And what my duties are? This is killing me, wandering around like a lost puppy..." So he tells me he's assigning me to H&S Co, Headquarters PLT Sgt.. awesome.. I've heard nothing but turrrrible things about this...but that's fitting.. I always have been the gold medal finalist a the special olympics.. That night I held formation with my new plt to introduce myself to them... as I barked "Plt, FALL IN"... their eyes perked open like that hadn't heard that in a minute.. I watch them slum along kind of dragging as to the POA (position of attention).. nasty... maybe it's because i have been out for a few years.. but oh man.. nasty... i say..

"Good Evening Marines, my name is Sgt Gilligan and I am your new Plt Sgt. I wanted to introduce myself to you and let you know a little bit about me and my beliefs.. 1st an foremost.. This is the United States Marine Corps, and even though you only cut your nasty hair one day a month, and get the privilege to put this uniform on two days a month, you will not forget that you are part of an elite group of people that get to call themselves Marines. I love the Marine Corps, and I am pumped to be here! I'm excited to be your Plt Sgt and I am excited to make you love the Corps as much as I do.. This shit seeps thru my pours... and I hope you get infected. Rank structure is crucial. Everything we do in the Marine Corps has a bigger picture to it.. and something as little as addressing your senior Marines by rank and name is the 1st step.. You will stand at parade rest when speaking to an NCO when you are not an NCO.. because I will do the same damn thing when Gunny comes rolling up to talk to me. " blah blah blah.. something along those lines.. The weekend went great and I was pumped and motivated.. I worked the pits on the little end all weekend on the radio.. running up an down and having a great time.. Terrified about qualing... It had been 4 years since I touched a rifle... well I did a great job.. and i feel like it was legit.. like.. i didnt get the hook ups from the pit.. I took well aimed shots.. and when I knew I hadnt taken my time.. it showed.. over all i shot a 233, Expert.. the highest inthe CO was 243 i think.. so not too shabby.. there were def things I could had done to geta higher score, but I was happy with it.. Back from the field on Sunday my XO (boot Lt.) pulls me aside to give me an initial counseling.. after asking me a bunch of questions about my life and where I came from she says, "Sgt, I am really excited you are here. I noticed you the minute you got on deck with your rush of enthusiasm and excitement. I love what you've done with your plt already and how motivated you are, watching you with your Marines makes me wish I was a Sgt, you motivate the hell out of me" blah blah blah... I was so excited! I was so nervous this weekend, coming in.. not knowing what it would be like.. and getting positive feedback made me as smitten as a kitten... Then after we secured.. my Company Gunny shot me a text message that said "out standing job this weekend, Sgt Gilligan.. you really came in at full speed.." or something like that... so it meant a lot to me.. and I feel confident and excited... life seems amazing right now.. and I am so happy to be back in the Marines.. and leading.. better yet.. getting the opportunity to lead... I never really got this chance when I was in... maybe a little.. but ya know.. I was always Gilligan.. i always felt like.... i dunno... I wont go into details here.. but I didn't ever feel like a good Marine.. my 1st couple of years was spent drunk and erasing the memories from the night before... never put in a position of authority till the very end.. and I really can't blame them.. I was too busy trying to be the funny guy for all the Marines.. I feel like I get a 2nd chance now. and I like how it's starting off.. its a new leaf for me... leaving Gilligan behind and rushing in as Sgt Sherer... This is my time to shine... and to do what I long to do... Lead Marines.... Hope I do a good job...

But Ill always be me... that wont ever change....

no matter how hard I try.. there will always be Dan Gilligan's genes inside, just dying to make people laugh... Thnx Dad! hahah