Headed To Afghan

I have very bad anxiety today… I am not sure what it is… Maybe it's because I can't stop thinking about Danny. Which, it turn.. makes me feel bad… because i end up talking to him.. and digging up all the memories, thoughts, and loneliness… I should just stay strong and keep burying it deep inside.. he doesn't need to hear it. just like I don't need to sit here and cry all day….

I need to get out of this country.. so i can leave everything behind… and maybe just become a memory to him… hopefully one that he thinks only of the good…

Oh Man… so many thoughts… for starters… I'M CRAZY..

There is so much going on lately… and so many mixed emotions… I'm having a hard time dealing with all of… that stuff… for those who know-- you know. It's been on my mind constantly.. I am pretty good at pushing it aside, and ignoring the feelings that overwhelm me, but lately it's been constant. I keep having flashes of memories, smiles, watching him bouncing thru the house saying, "babbles, babbles, babbles, babbles…" and jumping on me.. and at moments in my life like that, i am not strong enough to push those thoughts under the rug, and the pressure is building. I know the end is coming soon--- and it's the reality that is tearing me apart. What will happen, must happen… but going thru the motions isn't working. and the realization is all coming down on my chest… I find my self in waves… I'm sad.. I'm angry.. IM FKN FURIOUS.. i feel resentful, ashamed, lonely, depressed… disbelief is probably the strongest emotion I feel… just… disbelief.. I can't believe that everything is happening, and what has happened… im also angry… Im so angry… I'm dwelling on conversations and events…. I'm so angry… I find myself hating… filling with rage… I failed. I failed at something that was so precious… out of my own selfishness… I guess all I can do is say that we live.. and we learn..I don't ever want to repeat the same mistakes that I made.. to hurt someone so much that I loved and cared about out of my own issues.

a lot is changing in life.. and i just want to close the book on my past life and never look back. I know that that's not what I actually want.. but it seems like the easier road… w/o pain.. and loneliness

we are out of here in about 2 weeks.. I will post my address for you all .. i am looking forward to running away from this life… right now it seems unbearable… and I'm more angry at myself then anything else…. angry and lost….

goals.goals.goals....

lately it seems i have really great ideas for a blog... and the moment i sit down... BOOM... everything escapes me! i think what i wanted to write about were my goals... as this deployment is quickly approaching, i can't help but contemplate what i want to accomplish while i am away. i had my initial counseling the other day with my SSgt, and he didn't really have anything to correct me on, but asked me what my short term goals are for this deployment--- and essentially it's just Marine Corps related... i want to get at least my brown belt in MCMAP (Marine Corps Martial Arts Program) ... i want to get my run time down.. and i'd like to start and finish my meritorious SSgt package and submit it to my unit in Seattle...

but I want to figure out some other life goals... so, this will be on my mind... what would i like to do with my life... where do i want to be... where will i go when i come home from afghan??? so many thoughts that I need to find the time to sit down and think about! ta tas for now xoxo glo

My Weeping Willow...

I have made these choices myself. Self inflicted heart-ache and pain. I know that this is what needs to happen, and I know that this is only the beginning.

Isn't it amazing how awful experiences can be, even when you are aware when they are happening? You can't even prepare yourself from your own prior knowledge.. You know the limb will break as you jump for your life the weight of your body bends until the little fibers can't hold up all 122lbs of you...but you jump anyways.. you know you are 100 feet from concrete, and it will hurt unlike any previous time in your life, but you fall anyway... you know you have to land softly and roll, otherwise you'll break your legs... But just as stubborn as a child you plummet to the solid concrete, stiff legged an all- shattering every bone in your body.. and you sat there, the whole time.. warning yourself of the pain the next step will cause... and you did it anyway...

Sometimes in life, we have to climb that Weeping Willow tree...( I picked a Weeping Willow, because it's the current feeling of my life).. it's such a sad looking tree... but so beautiful at the same time... The limbs are week an fragile, the twigs are delicate and frail... we climb an climb, hanging on for dear life, but the higher we go-- the harder it will be when we fall.. and I just took that step on the branch that was too weak...

and there my soul sits, at the very top, looking down as I fall with flailing arms..I wont die. I know there lay a thin sheet at the bottom, just before concrete -- to catch me... it comes in the form of Jesus.. an he never left.. he's just waiting for me to realize that he's there to catch me... I don't know how far I have climbed yet.. so I don't know when I'll stop falling.. but this is just the beginning... of my long journey down the Weeping Willow....

xoxoxo

glo

Whelp. Here we are.

I might as well start now. Some of you know, many many many of you do not. As of Aug 1st..I activate... I leave my home.. my family and my friends, and I start my long journey to Afghan.. I'll head to NC for about 4 mths- and from there head to the middle east... I will be deactivating my fb before I get in country.. I have zero interest in posting anything while I am over there, and exploiting my life ...

I know a lot of you know the path my life has been on in this last year.. and with a clean fresh start, I am taking this opportunity to cleanse. I will keep my blog, incase you are genuinely interested in what I am up to, I will have email-- but I don't want to be contacted via email...

gloria.sherer@gmail.com -- incase you wish.. otherwise, I am requesting hand written letters only... I'll post my address when i get there.. I have a long ways to go before I get there..

today i start packing up my life into many boxes and totes to be stored within a storage facility... I have about 4 days to do it... and as scatter brained as I am, I struggle to organize my thoughts and emotions long enough to get done what has to be done. My life has been pretty emotional in the last month.... the word "emotional" is a weak word to describe the magnitude of angst, stress, pain, and nausea I am actually experiencing. I think along this journey I have had my 1st anxiety attack. I can't tell if I need to vomit, or cry... maybe a little both.. maybe at the same time.. but instead.. when I know all I have to do is cry... for some reason i can't. I wont. I refuse to. I don't have time to be weak and sulk in the choices I have made... I will save that for another time.. maybe when i am alone in NC.. maybe when I am by myself and quiet in aghan. One of these days I will have to face the demons that lurk in the depths of the darkness.. the darkness that's trying to make me weak. I'm far too strong to give into such pathetic behavior... at least that's what I am talking myself into.

It's hard. everything is hard. I don't like being alone.

As I sat this afternoon in my garage, organizing boxes of my life... I ran across a tote filled with memories of my past. all my bootcamp letters/cards/pictures, along with a billion letters from gf's in high school. my cap an gown, journals from my childhood.. where i wrote Gloria Schuring over everything (hahah I love you, Danni!) letters even back to 8th grade band class, when Kim and I would pass notes in front of Mr. Hazen...

the letters that pull at my heart the most are from my father. There is no doubt in my mind that 90% of the choices I have made in my short life are in direct connection to making him proud. He wrote me so many in highschool, and so much encouragement thru bootcamp.. I pulled a few out and I intend on taking them on this deployment with me....

I really need to change up the music I am listening to lately... this is killing me... altho, the sappy shit is how I am feeling-- it doesn't help my motivation.. I have accomplished nothing today.. besides sitting alone in the garage, ready letters spread all over the floor, and crying.. Maybe that's all I needed.. i got my crying out of the way...

I am excited and I am scared. my life is going to be completely different when i get back... and as hard as it is too push that all aside and not dwell on it..it's still there.. tugging on the coat tails of my heart...

your heart is a funny thing.

There is so much that has to happen. and I waist my time--- sitting here ..... maybe I'll pack a little more.. maybe I'll just sit and stair at my Gizwiz... because I love her.. and she looks adorable with a collar n a bell :)... i think I am going to give her a bath tonight...she needs to smell like cherries,,, and then clip her nails...because I dont like how she claws me...

Also, found a journal entry from the day I walked into the rctr station the very 1st time. I'm proud of my insight... little did I know what I was actually getting myself into. I did mention that I had no idea know what I was getting into, nor what I would have to go thru.. but that God would never give me something I couldn't handle... whelp, looks like here is another one of those moments in my life...

I want to talk about something else... The Marine Corps... but I am very to sick of stressing about my feelings.. so I will save that for another rant. This is all I have on my mind....

Yut for now.. Rah rah and all that jazz...

xoxoxoxox

The Motivator ... (haha, that was my call sign :) AKA Sgt Sherer AKA Glo

My Time.

The time that I get to sit by myself and enjoy a cup of coffee (no milk, no sugar.. just black.. like i like my me... just kidding... I don't like my men that way.. haha)is some of the best moments of my day. Just moments before my husband wakes up and joins me with that smiling, boyish face that I love so much.. but for now.. these moments are mine.

Not a lot is different from the rest of my day-- it's just a little more special.

Lately, I have been fantasizing about my 1st home that I'll buy some day.. Never thought I'd dream of a white picket fence but it's totally there. Mulch, shrubbery, foliage, beautiful flowers. I want a fountain with a stream and fish.. (THAT RACCOONS WILL NOT EAT! .. Danny and I were talking about this the other day and he said, "well yeah, until the raccoons eat of your fish.." HHAHAHA.. i was like... NOOOO MY HYPOTHETICAL FISH JUST GOT EATEN!!)

but we are in work right now to see if we can get preapproved.. I'm excited to go house shopping and spending weekends at Lowe's... oh man.. talk about a hot date... home improvement stores are the hottest kind of date... a long way to go still.. but for now.. I am enjoying my coffee.. sitting on the couch... watching whatever i want to watch.. planning the events of my day.. what should i do? I want to go to the gym, have to go to best buy, have to go to the apple store, want to get my nails done.. have to remember to eat right.. my German teacher from high school and I are trying to kick start a clean eating routine.. i did pretty great yesterday.. until I had 2 glasses of wine and a cookie.. oh yeah.. and this awesome sauce that i made to dip my artichoke in :( whoops.. I really have to control those little splurges that i engulf myself in...

Yut for now. off to start my day.. 1st things 1st.. wake up my bayyyyboooozeeee... ;)

OH MAN! I LOST IT!

It's been a LONG time since I have written anything, and I was feeling motivated and inspired.. Then I opened up blogger.com and I lost it all. Maybe that's a sign. I shouldn't blog. BAH! I say... I do what I want.. actually, Whitfield use'd to say that.. I dont. I just say, "meh." I say Meh a lot.. it signifies this feeling of.. I don't really care.. But the truth is, I do care.. and the shrug of my shoulders, the slight exhale and the sound that leaves my mouth... like.. "meeeh" is just a mask for me actually caring... but not having the energy to put forth and do anything.

So. Meh. I am going to write anyway. is the concept of a personal, public blog- self centered? Who am I to assume that you all are just dying to know what I am thinking about.. or what I have been up to. I think I may right a book someday.. about my life.. now, that's the ultimate vain thought.. not only am I under the impression that you really are interested in my random ass thoughts, but NOW.. i am going to make you pay $21.95 to read my thoughts.. HAHAHA.... THIS is a great idea.

I have been nominated for a nice award in the Marine Corps.. there is a very tiny to slim to none chance of getting this.. and that's okay.. it'll be a good thought after its all said and done.. but the conversation boils down to.. is my vagina the only reason why I would be getting nominated? "Being fun and bubbly is getting me this nomination...." (someone said this to me recently...) and it pisses me off.. because there is truth to that. No, I do not think that that is the reason.. but it just goes to show that if I work really really hard in the Corps.. there will always be an underlying factor that I am a cute bubbly girl, which gives me attention, so i will get "special" privileges.. you can bitch an moan all you want about how, "WELL DON'T USE THAT TO YOUR ADVANTAGE!!!"... And i could yell back till i was blue in the face and say , " I'M NOT!! IM REALLY TRYING HARD TO BE OUTSTANDING, AND DO EVERYTHING THEY ASK OF ME, AND THEN SOME! I WANT TO TRAIN, AND LEAD, AND DEVELOP JUNIOR MARINES TO BE OUTSTANDING! I WANT TO TEACH THEM OUT TO LEAVE A LEGACY OF BRILLIANCE.. I WANT TO SHARE THE LOVE... the love that burns so deep through my veins.. the passion for this screwed up institution.. I want to do everything I can to do a good job!!!!" but at the end of the day.. treatment will be different... and no matter the black and white... fellow Marines will look at me for just those reasons, " oh, shes a cute girl... that's why she's got it..." well this is what i have to say to you... "very well."

I'm actually not going to get upset by it, because I would be a fool to think that that's not true. Just like God made man and woman different, I know that woman will be treated differently then men. The defining line is if you use it to your advantage or not... Do you use the power of the vagina to get what you want? And at the end of the day, when you lay your greasy little face on your filthy pillow.. smudged in too tan foundation and mascara marks... and you feel confident in the abilities of yourself that you are not taking advantage of the system.. that's all what matter.

on that note.. I feel like.... if I was a 300 PFTer.. and I could run 3 miles in 24 minutes.. I would have the key to success in the Marine Corps.. honestly.. in my mind, when i think if the Corps.. that's the tool to infinite success. I can do what you ask, I will ask if I can not do.. I will follow up if I don't understand, and I will seek continuous guidance and room for improvement, while trying to pass on what I've been taught to my juniors... but if I can't run.. then I have nothing. I feel like running right now. I might just do that.. right after i get done watching America's Cutest Kittens.. THE BEST PART OF MY SATURDAY MORNINGS! ... I often find myself home alone saturday mornings.. and this show is ALWAYS on.. makes me soooooo happy.. Okay.. for today.. I am going to get off the couch... put away my laundry.. maybe start another load.. work on my marketing presentation final.. finish an assignment that was due last night.. THAT I ALWAYS FORGET TO DO ON FRIDAY NIGHts! ... start an finish my homework in my retail buying class... maybe watch a little bit more of cutest kittens.. (oh man, it would be so rad if my little whore of a cat was pregnant right now! KITTENS IN MY HOME!!!)... and then maybe go for a little run, just for fun... I need to find that for a sticker of my car..I want it to say.. "Little PT... good for you... good for me...?"

Blogging... I missed you.... I may come back.... but for now.. I have to go pee.