to be a drunk.

Man... some days are better than others- I guess I am just waiting for my life to start again.... so I can stop sulking in my past. I think that if I could be a drunk or a drug addict.. I'd really enjoy being able to take the easy way out of forgetting the mistakes I have made.... But instead--- I don't really like drugs, and I hate hang overs... so looks like I am stuck. dealing with shit like a regular adult.

there has been many times that I have wanted to sit down and write a blog in the last 10 mths... but every time I site down to write something.. I felt that the "airing your dirt laundry" kicked in and I didn't want to complain. So many things have happened in the last 10 mths, so many obstacles so many emotions, feelings, hormones... you name it.. i felt it.. and it just didn't seem right to write about it ... do you know what i mean? like, i was feeling such angst, sorrow, pain and hurt that i didn't want to come off sounding like i was just airing my dirt laundry for the world to hear... I guess now that it is all said and done, it is okay to write about. In the last 10 mths... I have activated in the United States Marine Corps.. I moved to North Carolina to do me "work up" to head to Afghanistan.. my divorce was processing.. I deployed to Afghanistan.. I worked in the most stressful job I have imagined.. my job wasn't too stressful, but the enviornment I was working it was killing me... the divorce was final on my birthday.. which was terrible.. for the rest of my life.. what a great reminder that I fail in life.. I failed at something I commited to.. and itfailed because of the selfish choices i made which lead to adultery.. Ruining the greatest thing that came into my life..

I just didn't feel the need to express all of my feelings ... I didn't want to bring anyone down, and I didn't want to put it all out there...

but I guess now that it is all said and done.. its okay to express... ... altho.. I don't have a lot to say right now.. inspiration comes and goes.. and I had a moment where I wanted to share something.. but now the time has passed.. So... I don't really know what I want to talk about...

I am back "home" now.. staying with my best friend Lynnie.. her husband and her beautiful baby... It's calm and easy going.. my rage, sadness, happiness, content and bliss all comes in waves... a lot of things remind me of a life from the past, and many things carry on so fast that I forget where I am... Moving forward is the only sense of relief I have from the life that was before.. but every once in a while-- it all creeps up.. and like a slap in the face.. reality sets in.. and I am saddened by time... I guess this is all for now...maybe I will feel inspired later.. but for now.. this is all.. xoxoxo

Headed To Afghan

I have very bad anxiety today… I am not sure what it is… Maybe it's because I can't stop thinking about Danny. Which, it turn.. makes me feel bad… because i end up talking to him.. and digging up all the memories, thoughts, and loneliness… I should just stay strong and keep burying it deep inside.. he doesn't need to hear it. just like I don't need to sit here and cry all day….

I need to get out of this country.. so i can leave everything behind… and maybe just become a memory to him… hopefully one that he thinks only of the good…

Oh Man… so many thoughts… for starters… I'M CRAZY..

There is so much going on lately… and so many mixed emotions… I'm having a hard time dealing with all of… that stuff… for those who know-- you know. It's been on my mind constantly.. I am pretty good at pushing it aside, and ignoring the feelings that overwhelm me, but lately it's been constant. I keep having flashes of memories, smiles, watching him bouncing thru the house saying, "babbles, babbles, babbles, babbles…" and jumping on me.. and at moments in my life like that, i am not strong enough to push those thoughts under the rug, and the pressure is building. I know the end is coming soon--- and it's the reality that is tearing me apart. What will happen, must happen… but going thru the motions isn't working. and the realization is all coming down on my chest… I find my self in waves… I'm sad.. I'm angry.. IM FKN FURIOUS.. i feel resentful, ashamed, lonely, depressed… disbelief is probably the strongest emotion I feel… just… disbelief.. I can't believe that everything is happening, and what has happened… im also angry… Im so angry… I'm dwelling on conversations and events…. I'm so angry… I find myself hating… filling with rage… I failed. I failed at something that was so precious… out of my own selfishness… I guess all I can do is say that we live.. and we learn..I don't ever want to repeat the same mistakes that I made.. to hurt someone so much that I loved and cared about out of my own issues.

a lot is changing in life.. and i just want to close the book on my past life and never look back. I know that that's not what I actually want.. but it seems like the easier road… w/o pain.. and loneliness

we are out of here in about 2 weeks.. I will post my address for you all .. i am looking forward to running away from this life… right now it seems unbearable… and I'm more angry at myself then anything else…. angry and lost….

goals.goals.goals....

lately it seems i have really great ideas for a blog... and the moment i sit down... BOOM... everything escapes me! i think what i wanted to write about were my goals... as this deployment is quickly approaching, i can't help but contemplate what i want to accomplish while i am away. i had my initial counseling the other day with my SSgt, and he didn't really have anything to correct me on, but asked me what my short term goals are for this deployment--- and essentially it's just Marine Corps related... i want to get at least my brown belt in MCMAP (Marine Corps Martial Arts Program) ... i want to get my run time down.. and i'd like to start and finish my meritorious SSgt package and submit it to my unit in Seattle...

but I want to figure out some other life goals... so, this will be on my mind... what would i like to do with my life... where do i want to be... where will i go when i come home from afghan??? so many thoughts that I need to find the time to sit down and think about! ta tas for now xoxo glo

My Weeping Willow...

I have made these choices myself. Self inflicted heart-ache and pain. I know that this is what needs to happen, and I know that this is only the beginning.

Isn't it amazing how awful experiences can be, even when you are aware when they are happening? You can't even prepare yourself from your own prior knowledge.. You know the limb will break as you jump for your life the weight of your body bends until the little fibers can't hold up all 122lbs of you...but you jump anyways.. you know you are 100 feet from concrete, and it will hurt unlike any previous time in your life, but you fall anyway... you know you have to land softly and roll, otherwise you'll break your legs... But just as stubborn as a child you plummet to the solid concrete, stiff legged an all- shattering every bone in your body.. and you sat there, the whole time.. warning yourself of the pain the next step will cause... and you did it anyway...

Sometimes in life, we have to climb that Weeping Willow tree...( I picked a Weeping Willow, because it's the current feeling of my life).. it's such a sad looking tree... but so beautiful at the same time... The limbs are week an fragile, the twigs are delicate and frail... we climb an climb, hanging on for dear life, but the higher we go-- the harder it will be when we fall.. and I just took that step on the branch that was too weak...

and there my soul sits, at the very top, looking down as I fall with flailing arms..I wont die. I know there lay a thin sheet at the bottom, just before concrete -- to catch me... it comes in the form of Jesus.. an he never left.. he's just waiting for me to realize that he's there to catch me... I don't know how far I have climbed yet.. so I don't know when I'll stop falling.. but this is just the beginning... of my long journey down the Weeping Willow....

xoxoxo

glo

Whelp. Here we are.

I might as well start now. Some of you know, many many many of you do not. As of Aug 1st..I activate... I leave my home.. my family and my friends, and I start my long journey to Afghan.. I'll head to NC for about 4 mths- and from there head to the middle east... I will be deactivating my fb before I get in country.. I have zero interest in posting anything while I am over there, and exploiting my life ...

I know a lot of you know the path my life has been on in this last year.. and with a clean fresh start, I am taking this opportunity to cleanse. I will keep my blog, incase you are genuinely interested in what I am up to, I will have email-- but I don't want to be contacted via email...

gloria.sherer@gmail.com -- incase you wish.. otherwise, I am requesting hand written letters only... I'll post my address when i get there.. I have a long ways to go before I get there..

today i start packing up my life into many boxes and totes to be stored within a storage facility... I have about 4 days to do it... and as scatter brained as I am, I struggle to organize my thoughts and emotions long enough to get done what has to be done. My life has been pretty emotional in the last month.... the word "emotional" is a weak word to describe the magnitude of angst, stress, pain, and nausea I am actually experiencing. I think along this journey I have had my 1st anxiety attack. I can't tell if I need to vomit, or cry... maybe a little both.. maybe at the same time.. but instead.. when I know all I have to do is cry... for some reason i can't. I wont. I refuse to. I don't have time to be weak and sulk in the choices I have made... I will save that for another time.. maybe when i am alone in NC.. maybe when I am by myself and quiet in aghan. One of these days I will have to face the demons that lurk in the depths of the darkness.. the darkness that's trying to make me weak. I'm far too strong to give into such pathetic behavior... at least that's what I am talking myself into.

It's hard. everything is hard. I don't like being alone.

As I sat this afternoon in my garage, organizing boxes of my life... I ran across a tote filled with memories of my past. all my bootcamp letters/cards/pictures, along with a billion letters from gf's in high school. my cap an gown, journals from my childhood.. where i wrote Gloria Schuring over everything (hahah I love you, Danni!) letters even back to 8th grade band class, when Kim and I would pass notes in front of Mr. Hazen...

the letters that pull at my heart the most are from my father. There is no doubt in my mind that 90% of the choices I have made in my short life are in direct connection to making him proud. He wrote me so many in highschool, and so much encouragement thru bootcamp.. I pulled a few out and I intend on taking them on this deployment with me....

I really need to change up the music I am listening to lately... this is killing me... altho, the sappy shit is how I am feeling-- it doesn't help my motivation.. I have accomplished nothing today.. besides sitting alone in the garage, ready letters spread all over the floor, and crying.. Maybe that's all I needed.. i got my crying out of the way...

I am excited and I am scared. my life is going to be completely different when i get back... and as hard as it is too push that all aside and not dwell on it..it's still there.. tugging on the coat tails of my heart...

your heart is a funny thing.

There is so much that has to happen. and I waist my time--- sitting here ..... maybe I'll pack a little more.. maybe I'll just sit and stair at my Gizwiz... because I love her.. and she looks adorable with a collar n a bell :)... i think I am going to give her a bath tonight...she needs to smell like cherries,,, and then clip her nails...because I dont like how she claws me...

Also, found a journal entry from the day I walked into the rctr station the very 1st time. I'm proud of my insight... little did I know what I was actually getting myself into. I did mention that I had no idea know what I was getting into, nor what I would have to go thru.. but that God would never give me something I couldn't handle... whelp, looks like here is another one of those moments in my life...

I want to talk about something else... The Marine Corps... but I am very to sick of stressing about my feelings.. so I will save that for another rant. This is all I have on my mind....

Yut for now.. Rah rah and all that jazz...

xoxoxoxox

The Motivator ... (haha, that was my call sign :) AKA Sgt Sherer AKA Glo