Far Behind by Candlebox

isn't it strange how much our teens suck... you feel so alone an troubled, like your falling down this deep dark hole... an no one understands you.. but then somehow .. you grow past it... an everything works out. an when you get older, you have an opportunity to listen to younger people-- an you realize.. holy hell.. we all go thru that stage.. at least for me anyhow.. I was thinking about life the other day.. well, i think about it everyday.. but the other day i was thinking about this.. an then i just read my cousin's blog-- an it is JUST like my journal when i was 17/18/19 years old.. SOOOOO boy crazy.. an inlove with EVERYONE.. holy crap was i inlove with every one. everything.. anytime a guy paid me attention.. i couldn't get them out of my mind. it was this sick twisted control that they didnt even know they had over me... but i couldnt help it.. like the plague they would just eat away at me.. until someone else came along and paid me more attention.. or some crazy dramatic falling out.. but when did that change? when did i start feeling in control? ya know- i'm not sure if i even feel in control these days hahah.. but what i was thinking about was how much people change.. how much i changed... somewhere from 18 an 21 my identity came to me..i go back home a visit occasionally.. but even then.. those people dont know me... i think about the time spent in Japan when i was 20... the boys i'd roll with.. Toler, thunder, Brody, Merz, Hayter, Krissy.. @ Terry's... drinking Boogies all night an slamming shots of habu saké... it was this whole new person that came out of me when i left home.. I'd like to be humble.. but confident when I say that my friends liked me.. they liked me around.. that i may have been the drunk center of attention.. but moreso they liked me because i was funny... the countless memories.. (or blackouts lol) from that period in time.. I remember being worried when i got back to the states.. that that person wasn't going to come with me.. I wanted to stay being the "funny guy" ... i was worried about how my friends in NC would take me... but it all rolled intogether.. Whit, Mikey, Sanford, Lew, Face, Scott, Driskill.. they were some of my group.. an I remember so many great nights... its this confidence.. somewhere along the way.. i became me.... an when i go home to Kalamazoo.. I know that not a single person there knows who I am.. which i guess is okay.. they don't need to know me.. that's why i left it behind.. an all the stupid things I did... Remember memorial day weekend in Knoxville, TN.. MAN that was fun.. i remember i wanted to go to Cottoneye Joe's soooo bad.. an ride a damn cowboy (wild bull.. but i kept calling it a cowboy).. an we taught Scotts mother (who doesnt drink) how to play beer pong.. an the rest of the 15 brothers an sisters he has.. an they made fun of how i eat.. an somehow Sanfords truck had my bootprints on the ceiling.. an Scott was looking for the lighter.. an i was looking for the lighter.. an he turned to me an said, "WHAT, ARE YOU DUMB".. an then the two of them laughed so hard.. an i was soo lost.. Kalamazoo just reminds me of boys..an it makes me ill... I spent so many years wasted on ... boys... damn.. i've wasted so many years of my LIFE.. on boys... what the hell for? why ?? why why why?? Im so happy that I'm married now. so its okay that i can be 100% consumed in love.. an its mutual... but what was wrong with me then... But as i was saying.. they don't know me.. but then again-- im not really that person anymore either.. i'm a home body.. i like to throw dinner parties and cook for lots of people an sew things, or crochet.. clean my house.. will we forever dwell on the past? replay our "glory days" over an over?... i am happy that i am past those days.. let me rephrase that.. I am HAPPY I got thru my teens.. an got the hell out of kalamazoo.. an all the crazy boys that i was inlove with who didnt even know i existed.. that i filled countless pages of my journal about.. craving attention from anyone that would look twice at me.. I hope i didnt mislead them.. because i guess I may have hurt some people along the way.. what in the hell happened in my life where that had to be such a big, pathetic part of my life???? so i am happy i lived past that, an joined the corps.. an i am happy i partied harder then i ever will again... for a few years.. an traveled the world with my brothers by myside.. an did some stupid .. but fun.. things... an i went balls to the wall.. (face planting over everyone)... but i lived passed it.. and now i am happy.. ECSTATIC actually.. that i lived passed that.. an met my match.. but even if i am happy where i am.. do will forever wish for our glory days again?? i met a guy that could match every story that i had.. an that was just as wild (well i thought.. come to find out.. he's SUPER.. the opp. of me! :o) --- ).. but i'm happy i lived those times and made it thru them... an have settled nicely .. as the 25 year old .. still lost, still looking for what i want in life.. but this time.. no boy drama.. just my baby... my baby an me... together.. trying to figure out what the hell i want outta my life.. our lives.. this blog was sparked by reading a younger woman's feeling about boys.. made me think about how completely retarded i was.. I guess i have no regrets.. well, thats bullshit.. because if a regret is considered "if i had another chance.. i'd do it differently" then hell yeah.. i would do SOOOO many things differently.. (as long as they still brought me to Danny :O)-- )... But i just wish i didnt waste so much time on boys.. i wish i could have been happy with me.. thats what it boils down to.. i couldnt handle myself.. by myself.. i didnt like me... couldnt handle the thought of being alone.. i just wish i would have listened to someone older then me... they are wiser.. they wre all wiser.. they all knew what was best for me.. man-- i could have played a sport... done better in school... saved more money... but nope... page after page after page... boy after boy... all of my time.. wasted .... on boys who didn't even know i was alive...man.. am i happy to not be 19 anymore.. my advice do the 16-20 y/o's..... stop wasting your time on a boy.. that part of your life can come later... right now... just be you.. learn to sit in your room by yourself.. an NOT focus on some dude.. an wonder if he likes you.. or dissect what his "hey" meant today... learn to love yourself.. an im not talking about for a night.. im saying... reallly.. really... get to know yourself.. go a couple mths w/o even batting an eye at a boy.. they aren't worth it.. an i can tell you another thing.. YOU WONT MARRY WHO YOU MEET NOW.... so it's not even worth it.. man... i wish i just played a sport.. i would have played... Softball, volleyball, i would have actually played a match in Golf.. an not just go to practice ... i could have been so cool then... if only i would have known.... only if i didnt wear my heart on my sleeve... and have a little more confidence.... so embarrassed of the person i was in kalamazoo.. just some thoughts. "an its not your fault, but mine .. an it was your heart on the line.. i really fucked it up this time... deny my dear... deny my dear.."

You think your gangsta.. cuz you did time.. well listen up gangsta...

I've been meaning to express how absolutely beautiful I find Seattle... I drive south on the 405 from Lynnwood to Bellevue for work... and for the last few weeks there is this slight hill that I come up over and a get a beautiful view of colorful yellow, red, and orange trees blanketing the landscape of rolling hills thru the western side of Washington... on a clear day I see Mount Rainer tucked away like an old sleeping dragon covered in snow... with clouds covering the very tip..at night.. theres a lake in the distance.. reflecting the glowing lights of the million dollar mansions that pepper the hillside... Today I drove down Bellevue way.. (for those who do not know.. it is the richest city per capita in the US)... each building has lights that change colors and shine big snow flakes... all the poles are cover in lights.. the trees, bushes, windows.... little presents with bows on them line the sidewalks.. Penelope told me tonight that at night ..after Thanksgiving... they blow fake snow down the streets everynight at 6pm.... HOW AMAZING IS THAT!!!???? I've been listening to Christmas music today... it really makes me feel amazing..... I have stung lights around my head board.... they are the multi color - so they have a warm glow to them when my lights are off.. an snuggled under my electric blanket.... i can almost see the snow falling outside.. I went home a few weeks ago... it was amazing,,, but my trip home didnt quite satisfy my home-sickness.... it did just enough to tide me over.. now the rest is just dealing with the everlasting thought of knowing I'll never return... mainly because there is nothing there for my husband an me.. all what is left is some wonderful friends.. an a whole lot of memories.. in which.. most should be forgotten.. but yesterday when i was unpacking... finally.... all of my clothes smelled like my parents house.. my old bedroom... I didnt throw them in the basket... i balled them up.. im sure I'll need it later... when im homesick again... im signing up for winter qtr tonight.... cant decide on my classes.. i have my basics.. but i am contemplating some extra.. I need a back up career... what if i get bored with what I am doing??? what if the field i have dreamed of.... isnt really what will strike my fancy??? work work work thats all i know... and i wanna do something i love... i feel like ill be in school forever if i dont decide... Acting?? I was looking at acting classes?? do i have the dedication?? power training?? do i really have the dedication?? I really want to take some interior design classes..... what about architectural design... am i smart enough?? PHOTOGRAPhY... oi... i'd love that... what it really boils down to is being content with the path i've chosen.. but are we ever really content?? no... forget that.. i'm never going to be content.. an tht's okay.. because as I am an ever changing individual.. so will be my dreams.. and looks like i am just goingto have to settle on being content with change... staying consistent has no place when you are ADHD... how will i ever buy a house?? i wanna go too many places.. see too many things... change too much... i'm okay with it all actually... it'll all fit into place because i have faith that it will.... what if i pursued acting again??? that seems challenging again... my mom brought up how i won 8th in state out of 300sum kids ... ... does that mean that i have any talent?? or everyone just sucked..lol Oh Christmas music... I hope my dad is having fun in Mexico.. drinking something fruity that should be ordered by a woman while lounging on the beach somewhere... I'm happy to have reconnected with dear friends.... it's crazy how after years an years of no communication... that spark still lingers... and the friendship is still there.. i cant say that about a lot of people in my life.. Merry Christmas..... I'm already starting my shopping.. pretty proud of myself.. i wanna make a lot of gifts.. so if you rcv something hand made.. YOU BETTER TELL ME YOU FREAKING LOVE IT!!! im in a blissful mood... why arent more people just genuinly happy??? i was at the church cafe this morning.. trying to be as happy an pleasent.. an smiling.. "have a wonderful day!!!" because thats how constomer service ROLLS.. i worked at MENARDS.. an i was HAPPY!!! but its shocking to see how little it is in return.. WHY CANT EVERYONE BE HAPPY! gah you have air in ur LUNGS!!... lighten up a little! OR IM GUNNA SHOVE MY SMILE DOWN YOUR THROAT.. im sure i had much more to say..but i seem to be in a rant... nanite for meow.... mmmmm Gizmo... i love you.. an your splotchy ways oh.. an dont let me forget to tell you how much i LOVE the seattle rain... :)

how much does a pound of anxiety weigh?

I went to most likely my last Marine Corps Ball last night... and drank like a 21 y/o LCpl again.. lol
during the ceremony, my eyes may have gotten a little misty... the pride and tradition will forever mean the world to me..
you can look around to the dates of most the Marines and watch them sway, look around, mess with their hair, and not pay attention.. but you look at every squared away Marine in their dress blues... standing at complete attention, not moving a muscle.. respect and honor for what we stand for... it was pretty nice to be there again..

an for the rest of the night.. double jack an coke's took away most my memory ... but what I do remember is that Lynnie started the dance floor :) and it was amazing...

but what I did realize is that I am happy to be out. and that this chapter ... this part of my life... this prideful part of my life... its okay to be over with... its okay.. and I'm okay with it being done.


I'm gunna do big things in life... and thats how they get accomplished... you have to close chapters in order to start new ones...



I went home to Michigan for the 1st time in 2 years a few weeks ago.. and I had a blast... so so many people that mean so much to me..asked all the time when i was moving back to kalamazoo..
unfortunately, thats just not in the stars for me...
you cant do big things when u are in a stagnant lull and i feel like kalamazoo has me in a lull... a lot of memories that I am happy to have forgotten...

why cant we have our cake an eat it too? like-- a BIG ICE CREAM cake... mmMMmMmmm nom nom nom.... ice cream cake.....

my college qtr is almost done... i can't wait.. cuz this 0700 to 2200 everyday sched is kicking my ass...
snowboarding season is gunna start soon.... sooo excited....

speaking of school.. i have a paper to write.. because it's sunday night an i've had all week to do it-- an this is how i roll...
procrastination. .....

I super love my cat.


an random thoughts...


I love Pad Thai too...

mmmmmmm kung pow chicken..

this morning i thin i was still drunk when i got to work.. and i looked over to Penelope while I was cutting my clients hair and asked.. "does this look okay?"
haha
dont worry- it was a little boy... and he had a mess of hair.. i just wasnt sure what was going on ....
but P reassured me that I was doing good.. thats what true friends are for.. hahahahaha
and then i came home.. an i curled up in the arms of my husband and took the GREATEST NAP EVER!.. an ate some Pad Thai...

I love lamp.

peace. Im out. gnite ya'll...