Headed To Afghan

I have very bad anxiety today… I am not sure what it is… Maybe it's because I can't stop thinking about Danny. Which, it turn.. makes me feel bad… because i end up talking to him.. and digging up all the memories, thoughts, and loneliness… I should just stay strong and keep burying it deep inside.. he doesn't need to hear it. just like I don't need to sit here and cry all day….

I need to get out of this country.. so i can leave everything behind… and maybe just become a memory to him… hopefully one that he thinks only of the good…

Oh Man… so many thoughts… for starters… I'M CRAZY..

There is so much going on lately… and so many mixed emotions… I'm having a hard time dealing with all of… that stuff… for those who know-- you know. It's been on my mind constantly.. I am pretty good at pushing it aside, and ignoring the feelings that overwhelm me, but lately it's been constant. I keep having flashes of memories, smiles, watching him bouncing thru the house saying, "babbles, babbles, babbles, babbles…" and jumping on me.. and at moments in my life like that, i am not strong enough to push those thoughts under the rug, and the pressure is building. I know the end is coming soon--- and it's the reality that is tearing me apart. What will happen, must happen… but going thru the motions isn't working. and the realization is all coming down on my chest… I find my self in waves… I'm sad.. I'm angry.. IM FKN FURIOUS.. i feel resentful, ashamed, lonely, depressed… disbelief is probably the strongest emotion I feel… just… disbelief.. I can't believe that everything is happening, and what has happened… im also angry… Im so angry… I'm dwelling on conversations and events…. I'm so angry… I find myself hating… filling with rage… I failed. I failed at something that was so precious… out of my own selfishness… I guess all I can do is say that we live.. and we learn..I don't ever want to repeat the same mistakes that I made.. to hurt someone so much that I loved and cared about out of my own issues.

a lot is changing in life.. and i just want to close the book on my past life and never look back. I know that that's not what I actually want.. but it seems like the easier road… w/o pain.. and loneliness

we are out of here in about 2 weeks.. I will post my address for you all .. i am looking forward to running away from this life… right now it seems unbearable… and I'm more angry at myself then anything else…. angry and lost….